Cold Open: Hardball
3 Stars
Gay marriage is the topic of today's show
Chris Matthews is talking gay marriage and his guests are conservative politician Gary Bauer and Rosie O'Donnell. Gary thinks gay marriage will result in a slippery slope of 3 men getting married and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers changing their name to the Tampa Bay Butt Pirates. Rosie isn't going to let anyone stop her from living her gay life. Then Darrell as Chris throws it to Darrell as Arnold Schwarzenegger who supports the gays with the rubbing and the groping and all of those things. Unlike most political talking head cold opens, this one was very fast paced and had plenty of silly.
Christina Aguilera Monologue
Chris Matthews is talking gay marriage and his guests are conservative politician Gary Bauer and Rosie O'Donnell. Gary thinks gay marriage will result in a slippery slope of 3 men getting married and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers changing their name to the Tampa Bay Butt Pirates. Rosie isn't going to let anyone stop her from living her gay life. Then Darrell as Chris throws it to Darrell as Arnold Schwarzenegger who supports the gays with the rubbing and the groping and all of those things. Unlike most political talking head cold opens, this one was very fast paced and had plenty of silly.
Christina Aguilera Monologue
2 Stars
The cast wants Christina to get dirrty
Christina comes out in a suit and Jimmy is wondering when she's gonna change into her wardrobe. Backstage, Lorne and the rest of the men are wondering when Christina is going to "whore it up". Finesse says he'll take care of it (Lorne seems to not know who this black man is). Finesse goes out and says that they want the "dirrty" Xtina. Christina refuses and instead sings "Beautiful" acapella. Always fine with a musician host singing in their monologue and I always liked Aguilera's voice. The backstage bit was fun but Christina is making me a little worried with her comic timing.
Sex And The City
Christina comes out in a suit and Jimmy is wondering when she's gonna change into her wardrobe. Backstage, Lorne and the rest of the men are wondering when Christina is going to "whore it up". Finesse says he'll take care of it (Lorne seems to not know who this black man is). Finesse goes out and says that they want the "dirrty" Xtina. Christina refuses and instead sings "Beautiful" acapella. Always fine with a musician host singing in their monologue and I always liked Aguilera's voice. The backstage bit was fun but Christina is making me a little worried with her comic timing.
Sex And The City
2 Stars
Scene from the series finale of Sex And The City
I've never seen a single episode of Sex And The City so I don't think I can accurately judge this one. This is one of those sketches that feels like a MAD magazine parody. It's specifically referencing things in the show and if you don't have a frame of reference then you're left out. Christina plays the Kim Cattrall character and she gets a few laughs with her sultry and deep voice and dry delivery. I thought she worked in this.
Do You Know Who My Father Is?
I've never seen a single episode of Sex And The City so I don't think I can accurately judge this one. This is one of those sketches that feels like a MAD magazine parody. It's specifically referencing things in the show and if you don't have a frame of reference then you're left out. Christina plays the Kim Cattrall character and she gets a few laughs with her sultry and deep voice and dry delivery. I thought she worked in this.
Do You Know Who My Father Is?
1 Star
Entitled and spoiled children compete on a game show
Chris asks a question to Will, Christina and Seth and they all are answered the same way, "Do you know who my father is?". I thought all the performances were good here, Will was funny as a spoiled rich kid, Seth was fun with a Scandinavian accent, Chris makes a good game show host but it's a game show sketch where the name of the game is also the punchline. I hate these. One thing I noticed in this one, Christina is going balls to wall with her character and getting nothing from the audience. I don't think her performance is bad but she's going to 11 with her screams and the audience is dead. Usually that gets hoots and hollars. I think she's faring better than Jessica Simpson but Jessica had a better crowd.
Fun With Real Audio
4 Stars
Chris asks a question to Will, Christina and Seth and they all are answered the same way, "Do you know who my father is?". I thought all the performances were good here, Will was funny as a spoiled rich kid, Seth was fun with a Scandinavian accent, Chris makes a good game show host but it's a game show sketch where the name of the game is also the punchline. I hate these. One thing I noticed in this one, Christina is going balls to wall with her character and getting nothing from the audience. I don't think her performance is bad but she's going to 11 with her screams and the audience is dead. Usually that gets hoots and hollars. I think she's faring better than Jessica Simpson but Jessica had a better crowd.
Fun With Real Audio
4 Stars
Pat O'Brien can't stop teasing entertainment stories throughout his daily life
This is a hard one to describe and one of the weirder ones I've seen. Pat O'Brien from Access Hollywood is seen pitching stories on his show like "Who gets what in the Bennifer breakup?" and "Has Jacko gone wacko?" and we follow him throughout his day and we find that he only speaks in these soundbites. He has lunch in the cafeteria, walks solemnly along a river bank, has dinner with his family, stays awake at night, sits in church, delivers a friend's eulogy, stumbles around drunk and visits the Dalai Lama who kicks him in the nuts. Pat then dies, goes to heaven, falls down to hell where he lands back on the Access Hollywood set. So Pat is living in his own personal hell forced to repeat these inane celebrity taglines like "What was Britney thinking?". Weird, and oddly deep.
Celebration Of Women Week
2 Stars
This is a hard one to describe and one of the weirder ones I've seen. Pat O'Brien from Access Hollywood is seen pitching stories on his show like "Who gets what in the Bennifer breakup?" and "Has Jacko gone wacko?" and we follow him throughout his day and we find that he only speaks in these soundbites. He has lunch in the cafeteria, walks solemnly along a river bank, has dinner with his family, stays awake at night, sits in church, delivers a friend's eulogy, stumbles around drunk and visits the Dalai Lama who kicks him in the nuts. Pat then dies, goes to heaven, falls down to hell where he lands back on the Access Hollywood set. So Pat is living in his own personal hell forced to repeat these inane celebrity taglines like "What was Britney thinking?". Weird, and oddly deep.
Celebration Of Women Week
2 Stars
A liberated woman in the 1880s challenges the ideals of her compatriots
Phil Donahue introduces this re-enactment of the life of Abigail Cornelius Smitherton Rivington Steele, the first woman to stand up to her husband. Amy, Maya and Rachel are all married woman who respect and serve their husbands and in walks Christina who calls her husband by his first name, rides horses, smokes cigars and poses for paintings. The other women can't read the newspaper, know where babies come from, chew their own food, go to the bathroom by themselves and have to wear leather bags over their heads. Not a bad premise and the women are funny here, Rachel especially. The sketch goes on way too long, Christina isn't the strongest comic actress and the Phil Donahue wraparound was unnecessary.
Maroon 5
This Love
Phil Donahue introduces this re-enactment of the life of Abigail Cornelius Smitherton Rivington Steele, the first woman to stand up to her husband. Amy, Maya and Rachel are all married woman who respect and serve their husbands and in walks Christina who calls her husband by his first name, rides horses, smokes cigars and poses for paintings. The other women can't read the newspaper, know where babies come from, chew their own food, go to the bathroom by themselves and have to wear leather bags over their heads. Not a bad premise and the women are funny here, Rachel especially. The sketch goes on way too long, Christina isn't the strongest comic actress and the Phil Donahue wraparound was unnecessary.
Maroon 5
This Love
Here's a fellow musical guest turned host, Adam Levine and Maroon 5. I really liked this album when it came out. It was like boy bands growing up. It had that same kind of vocal style but with actual instruments.
Weekend Update
"Although with 500 Peta girls there I bet there will still be a fair amount of fur"
Didn't bother taking notes on Update this week, let's just jump right to the only desk piece.
Kenan Thompson was supposed to share his personal thoughts on Black History Month but he overslept. So, instead Will Forte is here. Finesse can't do it because he's entertaining a lady in his dressing room and Maya can't do it because it's not Half Black History Month. Will's not sure where to start. How about Michael Jordan? He's certainly black, plus he has the Michael Jordan steak house. Excellent steaks from an excellent black. There's also rap, P. Diddy, Eminem, Luther Vandross. In summation, Martin Luther King: Yeah. Slavery: Boo. End of slavery: Yeah! Michael Jordan: Yes. Eminem: Double yes. Goooooooo blacks! You gotta be a certain type of performer to pull this off.
You Got Served
1 Star
Kenan Thompson was supposed to share his personal thoughts on Black History Month but he overslept. So, instead Will Forte is here. Finesse can't do it because he's entertaining a lady in his dressing room and Maya can't do it because it's not Half Black History Month. Will's not sure where to start. How about Michael Jordan? He's certainly black, plus he has the Michael Jordan steak house. Excellent steaks from an excellent black. There's also rap, P. Diddy, Eminem, Luther Vandross. In summation, Martin Luther King: Yeah. Slavery: Boo. End of slavery: Yeah! Michael Jordan: Yes. Eminem: Double yes. Goooooooo blacks! You gotta be a certain type of performer to pull this off.
You Got Served
1 Star
Two competing dance crews square off
Uh, everybody takes turns dancing? I'm guessing that was the pitch to this sketch because that's all it was. Seth, Kenan, Finesse, Maya, Christina, Horatio and Chris all do silly dances and then talk trash to the opposing team. Then Will roller-skates in and tells everyone to get along so they all dance together. Not sure what the hell this was supposed to be.
Dressing Room
1 Star
Uh, everybody takes turns dancing? I'm guessing that was the pitch to this sketch because that's all it was. Seth, Kenan, Finesse, Maya, Christina, Horatio and Chris all do silly dances and then talk trash to the opposing team. Then Will roller-skates in and tells everyone to get along so they all dance together. Not sure what the hell this was supposed to be.
Dressing Room
1 Star
Christina is visited backstage by Star Jones, Patti LaBelle and the Osbournes
After Christina's performance she is visited backstage by Star Jones (Kenan in a dress) and her husband (Finesse) who everyone calls Steadman. Then Patti LaBelle (Maya), then Sharon, Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne (Amy, Horatio an Rachel). They all have the same opinion of Christina, she can be as skanky as she wants to be because she can sing. Christina doesn't see herself as a skank and says she's just expressing her sexuality and... you lost me at Kenan in a dress, honestly.
Besos Y Lagrimas
After Christina's performance she is visited backstage by Star Jones (Kenan in a dress) and her husband (Finesse) who everyone calls Steadman. Then Patti LaBelle (Maya), then Sharon, Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne (Amy, Horatio an Rachel). They all have the same opinion of Christina, she can be as skanky as she wants to be because she can sing. Christina doesn't see herself as a skank and says she's just expressing her sexuality and... you lost me at Kenan in a dress, honestly.
Besos Y Lagrimas
An overly dramatic Spanish soap opera
I had no idea this existed, nor did I know they brought it back 2 more times, in 2006 and 2010 with Jennifer Lopez and Antonio Banderas. This is like The Californians in Spanish. It's the same joke repeated over and over and over again. Something will happen and then they will cut to a title card. Then it goes into the next scene where someone will say something to the camera overly dramatic or cry and then they will cut back to the title card. Did I mention it's all in Spanish, so I have no idea what the hell is going on?
Yet another rerun of Huggies Thong, 4th time this season?
I had no idea this existed, nor did I know they brought it back 2 more times, in 2006 and 2010 with Jennifer Lopez and Antonio Banderas. This is like The Californians in Spanish. It's the same joke repeated over and over and over again. Something will happen and then they will cut to a title card. Then it goes into the next scene where someone will say something to the camera overly dramatic or cry and then they will cut back to the title card. Did I mention it's all in Spanish, so I have no idea what the hell is going on?
Yet another rerun of Huggies Thong, 4th time this season?
Firing Sandy
4 Stars
4 Stars
An obnoxious employee is finally let go
Here we go, an unbridled Will Forte sketch. Just the thing I need in this lousy episode. Will comes into his boss's office with an attitude. He's only been working there a month but he's called in sick 18 times, doesn't come into work until 11am sometimes 2pm and routinely takes naps at his desk. When he's fired he claims racism, then sexism, even though him and Chris are both white males. As a final act of defiance, Will grabs Chris's sandwich and jumps out the window only to have the sandwich stolen by a bike messenger. I needed some silliness.
Maroon 5 returns with Harder To Breathe which is another song I always liked. I thought it was cool how Adam Levine moved the mic away from his mouth to censor himself from saying "fucking". It was a little thing but I thought he did it in a cool way.
Don's Apothecary
2 Stars
Here we go, an unbridled Will Forte sketch. Just the thing I need in this lousy episode. Will comes into his boss's office with an attitude. He's only been working there a month but he's called in sick 18 times, doesn't come into work until 11am sometimes 2pm and routinely takes naps at his desk. When he's fired he claims racism, then sexism, even though him and Chris are both white males. As a final act of defiance, Will grabs Chris's sandwich and jumps out the window only to have the sandwich stolen by a bike messenger. I needed some silliness.
Maroon 5 returns with Harder To Breathe which is another song I always liked. I thought it was cool how Adam Levine moved the mic away from his mouth to censor himself from saying "fucking". It was a little thing but I thought he did it in a cool way.
Don's Apothecary
2 Stars
A pharmacist with old timey ideals and values
Horatio is running the register of a pharmacy, when Chris comes in to buy a penis support sleeve. There's no price on it so he calls in his associate, Christina, to check how much the penis support sleeves are. She giggles, Horatio ends up saying Chris's full name and what he's buying over the intercom, he leaves in a huff. Rachel comes in to buy some long lasting vaginal moisturizer and we get the same kind of buffoonery. Then Horatio makes a Grapes Of Wrath type speech.
"As long as people got floppy wing-wangs, dried out hoo-hahs and itchy heinie holes, I'll be here to sell them their medicine".
It had a good twist at the end that was actually a commercial for Walgreens, who promises to keep your creepy stuff private but it's just an average sketch with a kind of tired premise. Buying medicine is embarrassing. How many times have you heard the "price check on (something embarrassing)" joke?
FINAL ANALYSIS
Horatio is running the register of a pharmacy, when Chris comes in to buy a penis support sleeve. There's no price on it so he calls in his associate, Christina, to check how much the penis support sleeves are. She giggles, Horatio ends up saying Chris's full name and what he's buying over the intercom, he leaves in a huff. Rachel comes in to buy some long lasting vaginal moisturizer and we get the same kind of buffoonery. Then Horatio makes a Grapes Of Wrath type speech.
"As long as people got floppy wing-wangs, dried out hoo-hahs and itchy heinie holes, I'll be here to sell them their medicine".
It had a good twist at the end that was actually a commercial for Walgreens, who promises to keep your creepy stuff private but it's just an average sketch with a kind of tired premise. Buying medicine is embarrassing. How many times have you heard the "price check on (something embarrassing)" joke?
FINAL ANALYSIS
"Come back with my stolen sandwich!"
Average
Average
2 Stars
MVP
Will Forte
Do You Know Who My Father Is?, Weekend Update, You Got Served, Firing Sandy
Do You Know Who My Father Is?, Weekend Update, You Got Served, Firing Sandy
Best Sketch
Firing Sandy
Worst Sketch
Besos Y Lagrimas
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
This is another in the long line of, pretty much all of these sketches were terrible so it doesn't matter what order you put them in. Firing Sandy is the only sketch here I would say is worth anything but that belongs exactly where it is, near the end where you can get weird and silly.
Host Analysis
She was bad but she was also committed, so I almost respect her. Almost every choice she made was wrong but she also went all out. So it was bad but it was also kind of interesting to watch because of how bad she was. It was fascinating to see her in sketches like Do You Know Who My Father Is?, where she is screaming at the top of her lungs, being so unfunny but never seeming to think that she is out of her element. I'm definitely grading her on a curve as we have had some bad hosts this season but so far I liked her better than Halle Berry, Jessica Simpson and Drew Barrymore.
Final Thoughts
Final Thoughts
While this was a little better than the last episode, that's not high praise at all. This still wasn't good but there were a couple things to like in it, as compared to nothing to like about the Drew Barrymore episode.
Up Next
What was Colin Firth doing in 2004? I guess he was promoting Love Actually, maybe? I wasn't really aware of him until a couple years later when he started getting Oscar nominations for movies like A Single Man and The King's Speech. Like most every other host this year, he is not known for comedy. Sometimes those people can surprise us, but none this season have.
Up Next
What was Colin Firth doing in 2004? I guess he was promoting Love Actually, maybe? I wasn't really aware of him until a couple years later when he started getting Oscar nominations for movies like A Single Man and The King's Speech. Like most every other host this year, he is not known for comedy. Sometimes those people can surprise us, but none this season have.
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