"I got a bag of Snickers and a piss jar under this desk"
Cold Open: Well Babies Tragedy
5 Stars
The McCaughey septuplets become media sensations again when their babies fall down a well
Jenny McCarthy's sitcom is interrupted for a special report by Brian Williams. The McCaughey septuplets, recent media sensations as they became the first set of surviving septuplets, have fallen down a well. Williams calls this the "coolest news story ever" and he throws to Ana who is at the well who also describes the story as a "jackpot". She interviews the parents played by Molly and Jim who say that they lost their babies while they were on a walk and placed them on the edge of a well for safekeeping.
"I heard 7 splashes and I said, 'No. No. No. No. No. No. No.'"
The media circus surrounds this well quickly as we get a visit from Geraldo Rivera, a statement from President Clinton, an interview with fellow well survivor Baby Jessica and corporations donating items to the babies so they can get on TV including Hostess filling the well with Twinkies and Midas Mufflers filling the well with mufflers. Everything worked in this cold open and it was great to see most of the cast get a chance to shine. Will was particularly great as Brian Williams, reveling in the fact that this story is great for his career and declaring his love for the "kick ass graphic" they made for the well babies.
Nathan Lane Monologue
Jenny McCarthy's sitcom is interrupted for a special report by Brian Williams. The McCaughey septuplets, recent media sensations as they became the first set of surviving septuplets, have fallen down a well. Williams calls this the "coolest news story ever" and he throws to Ana who is at the well who also describes the story as a "jackpot". She interviews the parents played by Molly and Jim who say that they lost their babies while they were on a walk and placed them on the edge of a well for safekeeping.
"I heard 7 splashes and I said, 'No. No. No. No. No. No. No.'"
The media circus surrounds this well quickly as we get a visit from Geraldo Rivera, a statement from President Clinton, an interview with fellow well survivor Baby Jessica and corporations donating items to the babies so they can get on TV including Hostess filling the well with Twinkies and Midas Mufflers filling the well with mufflers. Everything worked in this cold open and it was great to see most of the cast get a chance to shine. Will was particularly great as Brian Williams, reveling in the fact that this story is great for his career and declaring his love for the "kick ass graphic" they made for the well babies.
Nathan Lane Monologue
3 Stars
Nathan sings 'Hakuna Matata' to describe his attitude towards hosting
Nathan comes out in a robe, reading the paper. He seems to be aloof to the fact that he's on live TV until Ana comes in and asks him why he's not taking this seriously.
"I think you people take it too seriously. I have a showbiz philosophy, Hakuna Matata."
"You mean that lame song you sang in The Lion King?"
"Yes. One of the most annoying songs ever written."
He is quickly joined by Ernie Sabella, who voiced his cohort, Pumbaa in the film and the three of them sing the song as they walk through the studio. They tell everyone to stop worrying and relax, just like the song says. Darrell is getting into Ted Koppel makeup, Chris and Molly are going over lines but Nathan gets them in to the laissez-faire attitude and they join in his song. Will is nursing a head injury from when a piece of set fell on him but even he can get into the spirit. By the time they return to set Lorne is playing electric guitar. Everyone is in agreement that this will be an episode where nobody cares.
Chess For Girls
Nathan comes out in a robe, reading the paper. He seems to be aloof to the fact that he's on live TV until Ana comes in and asks him why he's not taking this seriously.
"I think you people take it too seriously. I have a showbiz philosophy, Hakuna Matata."
"You mean that lame song you sang in The Lion King?"
"Yes. One of the most annoying songs ever written."
He is quickly joined by Ernie Sabella, who voiced his cohort, Pumbaa in the film and the three of them sing the song as they walk through the studio. They tell everyone to stop worrying and relax, just like the song says. Darrell is getting into Ted Koppel makeup, Chris and Molly are going over lines but Nathan gets them in to the laissez-faire attitude and they join in his song. Will is nursing a head injury from when a piece of set fell on him but even he can get into the spirit. By the time they return to set Lorne is playing electric guitar. Everyone is in agreement that this will be an episode where nobody cares.
Chess For Girls
3 Stars
Girls can play chess now that it's fluffy and pink, and includes unicorns
A boy and a girl are playing chess but the girl is bored. She thinks chess is a boy's game. "Not anymore!" says an off-screen narrator. With Chess For Girls, chess pieces come in pretty clothes and you can braid their beautiful hair. The queen smells like strawberries. Tastybake Chess Over sold separately.
Spartans Dream
3 Stars
Craig and Arianna dream about their wildest fantasies
Craig and Arianna are in their beds talking about their Christmas wishes, Craig wants a painless back waxing kit and Arianna wants a nice rack. As they drift off to dream land they imagine themselves as the most popular kids in school. They get invited to a cool party and their gym teacher invites them to be part of the official Spartan cheerleaders. To make their dream complete they get to do a cheer with the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders and Scott Wolf calls and requests that his show be changed from Party Of Five to Party Of Seven. This was actually probably my favorite from these recurring characters because it played with the format but it's still the same old thing I've seen for 3 seasons now.
The Quiet Storm
2 Stars
Two competing DJs with very different styles fight for airtime
Tim is playing Chris 'Champagne' Garnett, DJ for The Quiet Storm a late night R&B radio station designed for love making. During his commercials, Larry, the host of Afternoon Delight the easy listening show steps in to cohost. Larry plays Air Supply's All Out Of Love which Chris turns off in favor of a tune from D'Angelo. The two fight and argue in their different radio voices which eventually leads to a knife fight. We cut to Tracy dancing with his woman while we hear the fight escalate eventually leading to a gunshot. When we cut back Chris has murdered Larry and announces that he will be hosting Afternoon Delight tomorrow. This sketch seemed like it wanted to be recurring but it wasn't working for me. I'm kind of glad we only got this one outing from The Quiet Storm.
Sister Wendy Beckett's Art Odyssey
3 Stars
A nun guides us through an art museum and seems to be focused on the naughty bits
Lane is dressed in a habit touring an art museum. Apparently this is based on a real show but I am completely unfamiliar with the show about a nun in a museum that aired on PBS in the mid-90s. She looks at a Cezanne painting and sees breasts, sees a trembling naked goddess in another entangled in "fluffy, fluffy pubic hair", gets caught touching a statue's penis but doesn't like Andy Warhol's soup can because you can't "get it on with a can of soup". Lane was funny here but it seemed unfinished. Sister Wendy keeps seeing dirty things in different paintings and then it ends. There's no punchline. I was expecting it to be a runner throughout the night but this is all we got. A nun said dirty stuff, that's all you get here.
History Of Vaudeville
History Of Vaudeville
3 Stars
Portrait of a vaudeville team that specializes in racist stereotypes
Norm, as an old agent, introduces us to Weber and Rose, a Vaudeville song and dance team who are remembered for being the first to do "ethnic stuff". We first see the pair do their Italian act.
"Pizza pie. I'm greasy and hairy and I love-a-you. Guinea guinea guinea wop wop."
The go on to other cultures like Chinese ("Me likey egg roll"), Irish (Boozy McLiver Damage), Mexican ("We no like to work, we only like siesta"), Jewish ("I gouge you every day") and French ("I eat babies, I drink pee") but they refuse to appear in blackface because as a historian puts it, "they didn't want to look black even for a second". Lane and Kattan play the two vaudevillians and after each one of their tasteless routines they mug to the audience. I don't mind off-color jokes but this was maybe a little too early in the show for so much racism. Also, there's not much of a joke here other than being politically incorrect just for the sake of it. Compare this to something like "Viewer Hate Mail" from Mr. Show. They did pretty much this exact same concept but there was a reason they were doing it, they were trying to provoke viewers into hating them. This sketch just seemed like they wanted to do some racist jokes.
Weekend Update
The Unabomber trial is underway and Ted Kaczynksi's shack will be moved to the courtroom. After the trial it will be moved to Hollywood and will serve as the home of Mickey Rourke.
The new season of The Real World promises people from several diverse backgrounds. They will all share one trait though, I will hate them.
Tony Danza was quoted as saying the kiss between Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in front of the president was extremely distasteful. When reached for comment, President Clinton said "Somebody should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up".
Kenny G set a world record for holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he warned the crowd that it would be boring it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes.
Police in the Bronx made a gruesome discovery, the body of an elderly woman was found in a closet. The woman had been dead for some time and her corpse had been mummified. The officer who found the woman is here to give his report, Lou Costello. He stutters and stammers trying to give details until Norm, filling in for Bud Abbott, slaps him around and tells him to cut out all the nonsense. They do a bit of 'Who's On First' when Lou says he found a mummy in the closet and Norm asks him what his mother was doing there. Norm ends by asking Costello if he was involved in the latest scandal of police brutalizing subjects, Lou's response, "I'm a bad boy".
Metallica
Metallica
"Fuel"
I got into Metallica for one album and one album only and it was this one. They played this song, The Memory Remains and The Unforgiven II a lot on MTV and I thought they were pretty rad. I actually downloaded the album from Napster and then deleted it because I was scared Lars Ulrich would come to my house to sue me.
Songs That Ruined Everything
2 Stars
Dennis DeYoung sells a collection of horrible songs
Will plays Styx lead singer Dennis DeYoung and he has an album for you. A CD full of career destroying hits that turned your favorite rock band into an easy listening laughing stock. There's Abracadabra by The Steve Miller Band, Dancing In The Dark by Bruce Springsteen, Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? by Rod Stewart, The Harlem Shuffle by The Rolling Stones, Jump by Van Halen any many more. It's not a bad idea for a sketch but it's a commercial parody and should be after the monologue where it belongs. It's also just a sketch where they list off a bunch of songs. There's no real jokes except for the songs themselves. The biggest laugh I got was when they showed Styx to call out Mr Roboto and they put Will's dumb smiling face in with the band.
In The Lost Deep Thoughts, Jack Handey tells us that when you look at an old man and then a photo of him as a young man back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to.
Miss Milo
In The Lost Deep Thoughts, Jack Handey tells us that when you look at an old man and then a photo of him as a young man back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to.
Miss Milo
2 Stars
A temperamental actress tells theater stories to her dresser
Will is a theater major at the local community college and he has been hired to be the dresser to Miss Milo for her big performance. Milo tells him stories while he gets her in her gown. She complains about the length of her hairpins, the lack of accommodations for her beloved cats and the fact that her costume was not made of a breathable fabric. The punchline comes from the fact that Miss Milo is not performing on stage but rather appearing as a mall Christmas tree. Once she's all dressed up she leaves for her big entrance. Lane, as Miss Milo, was amusing and seemed to be ad-libbing a lot. The sketch was missing something, a solid ending would have been nice or an epilogue from Will telling us all the things he's learned from his time with Miss Milo. It just kind of ended and even though I thought Lane's ad-libbing was fun it did give the sketch a kind of "sloppy" feel.
Metallica returns with "The Memory Remains" which is another pretty rad song. This one features Marianne Faithfull doing a creepy, mumbly chorus which will haunt your nightmares.
Ex-Convict Santa
1 Star
A rough mall Santa from the Bronx upsets parents
Colin is a tough mall Santa with a Brooklyn accent but this isn't his St. Nicky character that he did on Weekend Update in season 21. This is Gene, an ex-con who he apparently did in season 22, but that time he was a waiter. He has Lane's son on his lap and reveals to him that he's just been released from prison where he did 12 years for home invasion. Instead of asking the kid what he wants for Christmas he invited him back to his room at the Y to listen to Ronnie James Dio and read Barely Legal magazine. This was just a vacuum of comedy. I don't understand how Colin Quinn has stuck around on the show this long. Makes me really not look forward to what's about to happen.
We end with another The Lost Deep Thoughts which tells the story of a little boy who dreamed of being an acrobat, spinning, flipping, landing on people's shoulders. Little did he know it would be so boring. Years later after he quit he found out that he hadn't been working as an acrobat. He had just been a street weirdo.
FINAL ANALYSIS
"I eat babies. I drink pee. I must be French, French, French"
Average
Average
2.7 Stars
MVP
Will Ferrell
Well Babies Tragedy, Monologue, Chess For Girls, Spartans Dream, Songs That Ruined Everything, Miss Milo
Well Babies Tragedy, Monologue, Chess For Girls, Spartans Dream, Songs That Ruined Everything, Miss Milo
Best Sketch
Well Babies Tragedy
Worst Sketch
Ex-Convict Santa
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
Two musical performances and 2 Deep Thoughts really makes the episode feel on the light side. I've been very impressed this season with how packed the episodes feel. There have been so many sketches in the first half of the season but this episode was thin. It also offered nothing after Update. 2 weak sketches, a musical performance and a commercial parody is all you got after Norm. History Of Vaudeville is way too racist to be so early in the show so I would save that for the 10-1 slot and move Songs That Ruined Everything to the post monologue spot, save Chess For Girls for another show. I would also flip flop the two Nathan Lane in drag sketches, put Miss Milo in the front half and Sister Wendy in the back. Basically I'm just evening out the crap so there is something to look forward to at the end of the show.
Host Analysis
Seeing as how Lane is from the theater, and has three Tonys to prove it, it was no surprise that he handled himself well in front of a live audience. There were times where he was either ad-libbing or doing a really good job of sounding off-the-cuff. I think it was the former. When Norm hit him too hard in Update he told him ''That's how Lou died, But hit him too hard" and when his gloves weren't put on correctly in Miss Milo he said "I like them better this way". I thought he was good. He didn't knock my socks off but he was funny, committed to all his characters and got laughs. I liked him better in the smaller roles he played like the gym coach in Spartans Dream and the dad in Ex-Convict Santa. He made a good straight man. In the sketches he headlined, like Miss Milo and The Quiet Storm, I started to grow a little tired of him.
Final Thoughts
On the weaker side of episodes but not quite a stinker. There was enough good in here that I enjoyed watching it but nothing here will stay in my memory long outside of the cold open and maybe Lou Costello. It's hard to really complain about this one because while not everything worked at least it was something new and different. We only got one recurring sketch this episode and it actually wasn't a bad one. I guess you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Rest on your laurels and you get the 17th Mary Katharine Gallagher sketch, try something new and you get Ex-Convict Santa.
Up Next
Helen Hunt hosts the last show ever to include a Norm MacDonald Weekend Update
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