Saturday Night Live Season 16 Reviews - Episode 3 - George Steinbrenner / The Time

"There goes the opposite of a horrible man"

Cold Open: Dream

4 Stars

George dreams that he is the entire New York Yankees lineup

Kevin and Victoria go into Steinbrenner's dressing room to wish him luck before the show and find him taking a nap.  We go into his dream and he's pitching a shut out in game 4 of the World Series.  He's a shoo-in to get the Cy Young award but the MVP will probably go to his teammate all star catcher George Steinbrenner.  We then see that the entire Yankees team is made up of Steinbrenners.  Manager George Steinbrenner wants to make a pitching change so he's pulling Steinbrenner in favor of his ace closer George Steinbrenner.  He wakes up from the dream and screams, "Live from New York...".  I very rarely say this about SNL sketches, much less cold opens, but I wanted this to be longer.  I loved the shot of Steinbrenner in the dugout and the bench of players were all wearing Steinbrenner masks.  It was well edited and fun and I wouldn't mind seeing some more silliness.  Something like George Steinbrenner leaping up to rob a home run or hitting the game winning home run and having a little baby Steinbrenner catch it in the stands.

George Steinbrenner Monologue

3 Stars

George thinks that he's a beloved citizen

George says that only two types of people host SNL, entertainers and beloved citizens from other walks of life.  Since he's not an actor, comedian or contortionist or can catch a bullet in his teeth or eat 100 eggs he must not be an entertainer so he must be the latter.  I feel like there's a hint of humility here but I'm not quite sure yet.  I did like his delivery though.  His befuddled and clueless cue card reading came off as funny in that way where he doesn't realize that the joke is on him.

Middle-Aged Man

3 Stars

Middle-Aged Man and his sidekick, Drinking Buddy, help a woman in crisis

Middle-Aged Man gets his own theme song as we see Myers in a bald wig and a fat suit running down the street.  Tonight's episode is 'The Affair' and Jan is in the kitchen with her friend, Victoria, she is worried that her husband is having an affair.  In comes Middle-Aged Man and his sidekick, Drinking Buddy, who proceeds to raid their fridge for beer.  Middle-Aged Man offers some advice in the form of dad jokes.
"Did he buy a sports car?"
"Yes."
"Did he get a young man's haircut?"
"Yes."
"Does he seem unusually happy?"
"No."
"Then he's not having an affair."
Then he tells the ladies to stop looking at his gut and brags that he knows where all the warranties to all his appliances are.  Not terrible but not great either.

Carl's Quik-Stop

4 Stars

The owner of a convenience store is incapable of firing his employees

Phil comes up to George and tells him that one of his employees needs to be let go.  He's consistently late, rude to the customers and steals.  George doesn't have the heart and wants to go with a warning because firing is so extreme.  This is a reference to Steinbrenner's repeated firings of not only Billy Martin but of players on his team.  Steinbrenner goes on to say that threatening his employees with termination is no way to run a business.  Only a jackass would run his business like that, a yammering nincompoop in a fancy suit.  He then asks Phil how he would feel if he got blamed for all the problems and was fired, then replaced, then the replacement was fired, then he got rehired, then fired again.  Phil understands and thanks God that the boss he's talking about only exists in our worst nightmares.  A nice bit of self referential humor and what I really liked about it is that Steinbrenner still doesn't seem to know that he's the butt of the joke.

Slapped By Beaver Tails

2 Stars

A talk show for people who have been slapped by beaver tails

The first guest is Victoria and she has a big red mark on her face.  We see video of her getting slapped by a beaver while she was trying to pet it.  Kevin is the next guest and he was slapped repeatedly while swimming in a pond.  The final guest is Phil but he leaves because he misunderstood the nature of the show and has nothing to add.  I feel like I missed something here.  The video of Victoria getting slapped and the sight gag of Kevin's beaver marks were funny but other than that this seemed like a huge waste of potential.

Winston-McCauley Funeral Home

4 Stars

A funeral home you can trust not to have sex with your dead body

Care.  Compassion.  Dedication.  Never having sex with a dead body.  Those are the things you can count on at Winston-McCauley Funeral Home.  Applicants are rigorously tested to make sure they don't have the urge to molest corpses.  We see one such employee getting dragged away as he tries to mount a deceased woman.  If you can prove that your relative was the victim of a postmortem sexual relationship then you will receive a $1,000 discount.

The Time

"Jerk Out"

"Jerking everything in sight.  Gotta make some love tonight."  I think there's a hidden meaning in this song.  The Time offers lots of fun choreographed dance moves including bringing out a mirror so Morris Day can check his hair.  About a minute in, a stage hand can be seen plugging in one of the band member's guitars.  A pretty fun set.

Weekend Update

"4 Deney Terrio embryos and Sylvia Plath with writer's block"

The war in the Persian Gulf is heating up as we get a lot of jokes about the middle east.  I liked his rant on The New Kids On The Block and Luther Campbell.  When talking about the lead singer of 2 Live Crew as a poster boy for first amendment rights he also laments that we as a nation went to bat for a really bad album.  Couldn't we have gone to the wall for 'Layla' or 'Purple Haze' rather than 'Me So Horny'.  We also get a Donald Trump joke.  After the New York real estate magnet has declared bankruptcy he is selling the only thing he has left at auction, his massive ego.  That guy in that Weekend Update joke from 20 years ago is now the president.

Chris Rock shows up to talk about the Evander Holyfield vs. James Buster Douglas fight.  People are calling Holyfield the favorite but Rock has his money on Douglas as he knocked out Mike Tyson.  Then he talks about how black people are better fighter than white people.  That's what Rocky IV made no sense to him.  Puerto Ricans are better than black guys.  Seems like the farther down the socioeconomic ladder you are, the better fighter you are.
"For every Puerto Rican boxer, there's 5 American Indians ready to kick his ass."

Tom Arnold and Roseanne appear via satellite to talk about their recent legal issues.  They are currently suing the National Enquirer for 35 million dollars.  Farley is hilarious as a high energy, coked up Arnold.  They end up making out and at one point Farley pulls his pants down to prove that he doesn't have a tattoo of Roseanne on his butt.  After the segment Miller equates seeing that to being above the Grand Canyon in a helicopter.

Attack Of The Colossal Killer Lincoln

4 Stars

Upset about the government shutdown, Lincoln's memorial comes to life and wrecks havoc

Dana and Jan are at the Lincoln Memorial when Dana tells her an old legend that if congress and the president can't agree on a budget, the statue will come to life to destroy Washington.  With that, Lincoln springs to life and bites Dana's head off.  This is done with Hartman, as Lincoln, in front of a green screen biting the head off of a doll.  It's very cheap but also very funny.  He goes on to attack the city, pick up a car and throw it back down on the road, we get stock footage of people fleeing, Lincoln also has lazer beam eyes.  Steinbrenner is ordering a bunch of soldiers to fire upon Lincoln but Chris Rock thinks he can be reasoned with.  Lincoln picks up Rock and bites his head off.  It ends with the Thomas Jefferson statue coming in to fight Lincoln, who gets impaled on the Washington Monument.  This was all incredibly silly and kudos to the cast and crew who pulled all of this off live.  There are numerous glitches and mistakes but that all adds up to its charm.  There is no way they would attempt to pull off something this complicated today.  This would be a pre-filmed bit.

Ultra Slim-Fast

4 Stars

George Steinbrenner and other ruthless dictators talk weight loss

Chris Rock is playing Idi Amin who says he lost a lot of weight on Ultra Slim-Fast.  Nealon, as Saddam Hussein, says he lost 20 pounds in 2 months on Ultra Slim-Fast.  He also executed many of his own people.  George Steinbrenner says he lost 15 pounds but before Pol Pot can ring in George stops the sketch.  He doesn't understand the joke.  Lorne Michaels enters and tells him that it is a parody of those Slim Fast commercials but George doesn't see why he is being partnered with a bunch of evil dictators, I mean Idi Amin, he ate people.  To clarify the sketch, Lorne brings out Al Franken who says that the sketch is about the current weight loss mania in a world full of problems which is why Pol Pot and Saddam Hussein are here.  George is supposed to represent the every man and the exact opposite of a guy like Saddam.  George agrees to finish the sketch and Lorne gives him a German helmet to wear.  Third time of the night that they have basically called the host an evil man

The Time

"Chocolate"

This song seems to be about a girl who really wants some chocolate and a man who is willing to give it to her.  He must really like giving her chocolate as it seems to excite him.  He even offers to show her his Tootsie Roll.  I don't know, I feel like that might make her jealous unless you offer to share.  At the end of the song, a table is brought out with silverware and a roasted chicken for Morris to eat.  He replies, "Where the fuck this chicken come from, I thought I ordered ribs".  Then he proceeds to eat the chicken.  I was entertained but very confused.

What Was I Thinking?

3 Stars

People who made bad decisions are questioned about them

Phil's first guest is Shelley Long who left the popular sitcom Cheers to star in films like The Money Pit, Troop Beverly Hills and Hello, Again.  She doesn't have an answer to the question, "What were you thinking?".  The next guest is Walter Mondale who promised to raise taxes if he were elected president, he was defeated in a landslide.  He also does not have an answer to the titular question.  The final guest is George Steinbrenner who is questioned as to why he got breast implants.  We then cut to George with a pair of boobs under his sweater.  George says that when he makes choices he doesn't look back and stands by his decisions.  A nice unexpected payoff to a sketch that seemed to be repeating the same joke over and over.

Paying For Dinner

1 Star

Two men fight over who will pay for dinner

George wants to pay for dinner but Kevin also offers.  George insists that he pays but then continues to give Kevin grief for not paying.  He also insinuates that Kevin is not a good tipper and tells the waiter that he is lucky that he's picking up the check.  It ends with them physically wrestling over the check.  George was glued to the cue cards for this lifeless and unfunny sketch.

Complaint

2 Stars

George handles a sexual harassment complaint in his underwear

George Steinbrenner has gotten a complaint from a reporter at the New York Post.  She is offended that when she was in the Yankees locker room one of the players showed her his penis.  George calls her 'honey' and 'sweet lips' before getting up from his desk to reveal that he's not wearing pants.  He offers to make her a drink and she eventually storms out.  I don't think this was meant to be as nasty as it seems.  I think it was a comment on the story at the time about the New England Patriots but it comes off as just 'George Steinbrenner likes to sexually harass women in his office'.  With all the negative Steinbrenner sketches this week I wouldn't be surprised if that's all it was either.

Schiller's Reel: The Vision Of Van Gogh

4 Stars

Vincent Van Gogh's paintings change drastically with his new glasses

Tom Schiller plays Vincent Van Gogh and we hear him in voice over talking about how he is suffering from headaches and the blistering sun.  He also laments that his paintings are not selling in Paris.  We then get his brother writing to him about how the public doesn't see his vision but he is enclosing a new pair of glasses to help with the headaches.  Now with a new outlook on life Van Gogh can see what he is painting and paints pictures of monkeys riding dogs and monkeys wearing headphones all to the delight of Parisian aristocrats.  This was a cute little short film to end the night.

FINAL ANALYSIS

"Even though he is dead, this was truly the wisest of all our monsters"

Average

3.1 Stars

MVP

Phil Hartman
Carl's Quik-Stop, Slapped By Beaver Tails, Winston-McCauley Funeral Homes, Attack Of The Colossal Killer Lincoln, What Was I Thinking?, Paying For Dinner

Best Sketch

Attack Of The Colossal Killer Lincoln

Worst Sketch

Paying For Dinner

How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It

First off, put Winston-McCauley Funeral Home right after the monologue where it belongs.  Then I think you lead with Carl's Quik-Stop and move Slapped By Beaver Tails to the end of the night.  It was a half formed idea with an even less formed execution.

Host Analysis

I liked Steinbrenner's delivery.  He didn't try to act or be funny he just delivered what ever crazy lines they wanted him to say.  This worked in every sketch except for his last two when he was called upon to act in the same scene with other performers.

Final Thoughts

I really liked this episode.  They squeezed in every 'Steinbrenner is an asshole' sketch that they could but still found time for some really fun absurd pieces like Attack Of The Colossal Killer Lincoln.  There was also only one recurring character to slow down the show but they started with him so I had all but forgotten about Middle Aged Man once the show was over.  There were also a lot of sketches.  This episode had 12 rateable segments as opposed to the usual 9 or 10.  I would much rather have more short sketches than fewer long sketches seeing as how the biggest complaint I usually have with sketches is that they drag.

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