Cold Open: NFL Video Countdown
3 Stars
A Super Bowl Shuffle style video from the kickers point of view
Walter Payton is introducing music videos from different NFL teams. The Giants, Rams, Colts and Bills have all released music videos and the next video on the countdown comes from the NFL kickers. The cast all sing in broken accents.
"We are kickers, we kick ball. We play with ball, we kick the ball."
It's short and cute and probably not a sketch that would be considered politically correct today.
Joe Montana Monologue
Walter Payton is introducing music videos from different NFL teams. The Giants, Rams, Colts and Bills have all released music videos and the next video on the countdown comes from the NFL kickers. The cast all sing in broken accents.
"We are kickers, we kick ball. We play with ball, we kick the ball."
It's short and cute and probably not a sketch that would be considered politically correct today.
Joe Montana Monologue
3 Stars
Joe is happy to be back after his concussion
Joe had not intended to be here this weekend, a comment on how the 49ers were eliminated in the playoffs and wouldn't be in the Super Bowl that's happening tomorrow. He then says that he is very happy to have fully recovered from the mild concussion he suffered during that game. Then he says that he didn't intend to be here this weekend and is happy to have recovered from his concussion. Then he says that he didn't intend to be here this weekend and is happy to have recovered from his concussion. It's a simple joke that Montana was able to execute well.
Rerun of Adobe
Bar
Joe had not intended to be here this weekend, a comment on how the 49ers were eliminated in the playoffs and wouldn't be in the Super Bowl that's happening tomorrow. He then says that he is very happy to have fully recovered from the mild concussion he suffered during that game. Then he says that he didn't intend to be here this weekend and is happy to have recovered from his concussion. Then he says that he didn't intend to be here this weekend and is happy to have recovered from his concussion. It's a simple joke that Montana was able to execute well.
Rerun of Adobe
Bar
3 Stars
Tommy Flanagan meets Walter Payton at a barWalter orders a drink and starts up a conversation with Tommy. Tommy asks if Walter has ever heard of the Heisman Trophy, he posed for it. He also used to play football but suffered a lot of injuries, when Walter asks where his scars are he clarifies that they were all internal injuries. Payton says that he played in 405 consecutive games without a miss and Tommy says he once got his appendix taken out at half time. As soon as Walter has had enough of Tommy's lies he leaves.
"Your drinks are on me."
"Don't worry about it. I own this place. They made a movie about it, Peyton Place."
"Oh, yeah. I directed that."
"I starred in it. Remember me?"
"No."
"I was invisible."
"Oh, yeah. I think I saw you."
I think I can safely say that I have seen Tommy Flanagan enough.
The Honest Man
4 Stars
A man's honest roommate interrupts his datePhil and Jan are having a date and as they talk we also hear their inner monologue. They are both being polite but thinking that they would like to jump each other's bones. Phil subtly asks Jan to spend the night and in his thoughts we hear his lascivious plans. Jan wants to but is afraid she'll appear too trampy. Then Phil's roommate shows up who is described as a real honest guy. Phil is worried he'll ruin everything and Jan thinks he's a bore. Joe Montana plays Stu, the roommate and all of his thoughts are exactly what he says.
Stu: I hope I'm not bothering you.
Stu's thoughts: I hope I'm not bothering them.
Stu: I'm very glad to meet you
Stu's thoughts: I'm very glad to meet them.
He says he'll leave them be and go to his room
"You won't disturb me. I'll be up in my room masturbating."
"They won't disturb me. I'll be masturbating."
Again, Montana's natural charm works here as he doesn't have to do much except smile and nod.
Crack
4 Stars
Young professionals try crack
Dana is seen jumping up to the uneven bars to start his gymnastics routine, Kevin is taking calls in his office, Jan is dancing at a night club. They are young go getters, they get things done, they are the crack generation. Then Jan steals a wallet and gets in a fight with a dog, Kevin eats his coffee cup and has a heart attack and Dana goes into fast motion and eventually bursts into flames. This reminded me of the "Where You're Going" commercial from last season, a bunch of yuppies start to pay for their decisions. The visual gags were well executed, this was pretty funny.
The NFL Today
3 Stars
A lot of topics are discussed regarding the Super BowlKevin Nealon hosts The NFL Today on CBS as Brent Musburger, to complete the impression he holds his eyes down the whole time. His first guest is Joe Montana who is forced to watch the replay of the sack that resulted in his concussion over and over again. We then get a callback to the monologue where he again tells Brent that he's happy to be on the show. Then we get a satellite interview with Neil Young who will be performing at the half time show. Then Hartman comes out as Jimmy The Greek with his Super Bowl predictions. This had some laughs but was kind of a muddled mess. There were too many things at play here. They could have stopped with Montana's interview or extended that premise to make the sketch cleaner. Seeing interview after interview just makes the sketch feel endless.
Deborah Harry
"French Kissin' In The USA"
Much like the last sketch, there are too many things going on here which makes it not the most interesting song to hear live. There are so many instruments, background singers and noise that Deborah Harry ends up taking a back seat to everything going on around her.
Mace
3 Stars
A man held at gunpoint tries to escapeHartman is Mace, a violent criminal holding Nealon hostage. He tells him to play by the rules and not try anything funny and nobody will get hurt. As soon as Mace calls for the ransom, Kevin leaps up and tries to wrestle the gun away. Mace quickly gets the upper hand and points the gun on him again. Nealon apologizes and says he won't do it again. Of course, he does do it again and again. He tells Mace that the cops are behind him or there is a spider on his back and tries to wrestle the gun away only to get usurped by Mace every time. Eventually Mace needs to use the bathroom and as soon as he leaves Kevin calls the cops and tells him where he is. It's one of those sketches where they keep repeating the same gag until the sketch fades out but the performances bolster this slightly.
Weekend Update
"Congratulations on being names Time Magazine's Woman of the Year. Now get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich"
Bobby Vinton's Blue Velvet opens the piece and Miller says, "Don't look at me, don't you look at me". The David Lynch film must have just opened. A few funny bits this week including Reagan failing a drug test because he missed the cup 3 times and condom ads not being allowed on TV because "nothing should come between a network and its audience".
Victoria Jackson was supposed to report on Iran but her daughter caught a cold so she stayed home with her. While there she discovered that her daughter can predict the future if fed Cheerios. We see a video of the baby shaking her head when asked if there will be peace in the middle east, if Elvis will return from the dead and if Three Amigos will win the Oscar for Best Picture.
A. Whitney Brown is here to talk about race relations. It was a little uncomfortable coming from a show that has absolutely no black people in front of the camera. But then it got funny when he says it's not fair to blame all white trash for racial prejudice.
"Just because a man drinks cheap liquor out of a jelly jar doesn't mean he's a bigot. I speak on behalf of all white trash when I say we resent being lumped in with the redneck peckerwoods."
Chick Hazard, Private Investigator
A. Whitney Brown is here to talk about race relations. It was a little uncomfortable coming from a show that has absolutely no black people in front of the camera. But then it got funny when he says it's not fair to blame all white trash for racial prejudice.
"Just because a man drinks cheap liquor out of a jelly jar doesn't mean he's a bigot. I speak on behalf of all white trash when I say we resent being lumped in with the redneck peckerwoods."
Chick Hazard, Private Investigator
2 Stars
A private eye tracks down a missing womanChick Hazard is promised free shirts for a month from his dry cleaner if he can find his missing daughter. His search takes him to The Jungle Room, which we haven't seen since the Sam Kinison episode and I forgot all about until now. Victoria sings off-key while Jon Lovitz's gangster character watches. They tricked me. I thought I was in for a fun Phil Hartman character but this sketch focuses mostly on Lovitz. Hazard comes in and rescues the girl and Lovitz yells. I liked this better than the first time but not by much.
Super Bowl Gambling Memories
3 Stars
Flashback to Super Bowl 10 where the Steelers were up against the Cowboys. In the 4th quarter the Cowboys made a hail Mary pass which didn't win them the game but did allow them to cover the spread.
Church Chat
5 Stars
Church Lady welcomes Shirley MacLaine, Joe Montana and Walter Payton to her show
She starts with some viewer mail.
"Dear Church Lady, I sometimes think you don't listen to other's opinions"
She rips up the letter and says, "Well, isn't that special?". Her first guest is Shirley MacLaine who said in her most recent memoirs that she is God. She explains that she believes that God is in everyone, therefore we are all God. Church Lady thinks Satan is influencing her so she dismisses her. I like thinking about the reality of these sketches. How can The Church Lady, a woman who hosts a public access show able to book big name guests and usher them out after 90 seconds. You would think that if that happened just once that nobody would ever come on her show. But week after week she continues to attract A list celebrities. Her next guests are Montana and Payton who play a little game of football with Enid. As she squats in front of Montana he grabs her butt. She fakes out Walter by telling him the devil is behind him then runs into the audience and catches a pass from Joe. The three do a superior dance as the sketch fades out. This was my favorite of The Church Lady sketches so far, I had a huge smile on my face with all the double entendres and sexual innuendo as they talked about scoring, tight ends and slapping each other on the butt. Guess it proves where my sense of humor lies.
The Michael Jackson Workout Tape
"Dear Church Lady, I sometimes think you don't listen to other's opinions"
She rips up the letter and says, "Well, isn't that special?". Her first guest is Shirley MacLaine who said in her most recent memoirs that she is God. She explains that she believes that God is in everyone, therefore we are all God. Church Lady thinks Satan is influencing her so she dismisses her. I like thinking about the reality of these sketches. How can The Church Lady, a woman who hosts a public access show able to book big name guests and usher them out after 90 seconds. You would think that if that happened just once that nobody would ever come on her show. But week after week she continues to attract A list celebrities. Her next guests are Montana and Payton who play a little game of football with Enid. As she squats in front of Montana he grabs her butt. She fakes out Walter by telling him the devil is behind him then runs into the audience and catches a pass from Joe. The three do a superior dance as the sketch fades out. This was my favorite of The Church Lady sketches so far, I had a huge smile on my face with all the double entendres and sexual innuendo as they talked about scoring, tight ends and slapping each other on the butt. Guess it proves where my sense of humor lies.
The Michael Jackson Workout Tape
2 Stars
Michael Jackson sells his new workout tapeSince Walter Payton has a high pitched voice they put him in spandex and a white glove to play Michael Jackson. He says that from time to time he likes to disappear and change his whole look. He's been bulking up recently and has a new workout tape to sell, all you need is an exercise mat and a llama. I felt that Payton was limp wristing it up here and even though he was doing an impression, his lisping was coming off a little homophobic.
Deborah Harry returns with "In Love With Love" and either the acoustics were terrible or this song is just not a good representation of Harry's singing abilities. I could not hear her and the song was very repetitive and kind of boring to listen to.
According to SNL Archives I am missing a Joe Montana PSA for United Way. Instead I got a musical performance from Buster Poindexter.
FINAL ANALYSIS
"You make a pass at a tight end who goes deep and long and that's how you score."
Average
3.2 Stars
MVP
Phil Hartman
NFL Video Countdown, Adobe, The Honest Man, NFL Today, Mace, Chick Hazard
NFL Video Countdown, Adobe, The Honest Man, NFL Today, Mace, Chick Hazard
Best Sketch
Church Chat
Worst Sketch
The Michael Jackson Workout Tape
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
Why not lead off with Church Chat? It was the best part of the episode and recurring characters should go up front just to get them out of the way. That's what the casual viewer is here to see and the diehard nerds like me don't like seeing them stuck in at the end of the show when I would prefer an original sketch. Mace would have been a nice and weird end of the night sketch.
Host Analysis
I expect absolutely nothing when it comes to athletes hosting and Montana and Payton didn't disappoint. They were looser and more affable than most athletes but I would never say that I wish they would return. The show used them well too. They played themselves all night so we didn't get any uncomfortable moments where they failed at acting and they didn't do the old standard of dressing them up in women's clothes.
Final Thoughts
An average episode that was kind of on the weak side. It's exactly what I was expecting for the both an episode hosted by athletes and the first episode after the Christmas break. It always seems that the first episode of the calendar year is usually the weakest. With Montana and Payton lumbering through their hosting duties the show did the same and just kind of lumbered along. The two sketches without them were hit and miss with Hartman's gangster character being enjoyable and his detective character being forgettable.
Up Next
Speaking of non actors hosting, Paul Shaffer hosts next week. My expectations are considerably low.
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