"That leaves us two minutes to fornicate"
Cold Open: Oral Roberts University
2 Stars
God visits Oral Roberts asking for his money
Charlton Heston plays God visiting Oral Roberts.
"You have the money?"
"Yes. All 8 million."
God is displeased with his false prophet ways and says that he will crawl on his belly and east dust all the days of his life. Oral tells him that he's ready for his punishment and God says, "Live from New York...". I liked the set up of God coming to a televangelist asking for the money that was raised but this could have gone in a number of directions. Instead they squandered that idea for a weak cold open.
Charlton Heston Monologue
Charlton Heston plays God visiting Oral Roberts.
"You have the money?"
"Yes. All 8 million."
God is displeased with his false prophet ways and says that he will crawl on his belly and east dust all the days of his life. Oral tells him that he's ready for his punishment and God says, "Live from New York...". I liked the set up of God coming to a televangelist asking for the money that was raised but this could have gone in a number of directions. Instead they squandered that idea for a weak cold open.
Charlton Heston Monologue
3 Stars
Heston isn't a fan of the new school
Heston has been told that if you work with young people you will stay young forever. He doesn't think that's true as he's aged 10 years this week. He's from the old school where you show up on time, know your lines, do the scene and go home. These young kids today come to work, read the paper, eat Chinese food, sit around and tell jokes, eat Mexican food, ask the host for money, go out drinking, eat Japanese food and then come in on Saturday with nothing written. This commentary on young punk kids was pretty funny coming out of Heston's mouth.
The Fruiting
Heston has been told that if you work with young people you will stay young forever. He doesn't think that's true as he's aged 10 years this week. He's from the old school where you show up on time, know your lines, do the scene and go home. These young kids today come to work, read the paper, eat Chinese food, sit around and tell jokes, eat Mexican food, ask the host for money, go out drinking, eat Japanese food and then come in on Saturday with nothing written. This commentary on young punk kids was pretty funny coming out of Heston's mouth.
The Fruiting
5 Stars
A trailer for a new horror film
It starts out like a commercial for fruit juice or maybe a refreshing body wash. Orange slices land on a girl's eyes, strawberries land in Phil's cereal, a collection of fruit drops into Nora's bath. It turns into a horror film quickly as orange juice starts coming from the drain, an ominous peach flies at a young boy, a cop's head is replaced by a watermelon and a pineapple chases a kid. A cameo appearance from Gallagher would have made this perfect. The title card promising a special appearance by Jack Lemmon gave this the right touch of stupid.
The New Paper Chase
2 Stars
Students cram for their exams at the University of Las Vegas, Nevada
"If you don't like to study, don't come to UNLV."
It's the toughest course at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, the principles of blackjack. Heston gives the class a John Houseman-esque speech about how they need to study hard to succeed. After class is dismissed we see Phil, Victoria and Dana cramming in a library.
"Two cherries and a gold bar?"
"You would...lose."
"A cherry, a lemon and a gold bar?"
You would win. No. You'd lose."
"3 gold bars?"
"Jackpot."
"See, you know this stuff."
Phil cracks under the pressure that he will never live up to his uncle Jimmy The Greek. We get a scene from next week's episode where Jon Lovitz tries to get Heston to pass one of his basketball players so he can play. This sketch was way too long to be so one note and unfunny.
Church Chat
3 Stars
Church Lady interviews Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker
The television ministry industry has been rocked by scandal lately so Enid is talking with Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. She shames them and runs through the 15 minutes Jim spent in a hotel with Jessica Hahn.
"We check in under a false name, slip a pill in Jessica's wine, peel off her spandex pants and tube top, Jimmy has to explain that this has never happened to him before. That's about 5 minutes."
Tammy then talks about her drug induced hallucinations, we cut to Church Lady and when we cut back to her she has mascara running down her face. The Church Lady blames Satan and Jim pleads to the audience that they need their emotional and financial support. Enid ends with a message to her viewers.
"These are trying times, people are trying things and getting caught. I want to reassure my viewers that I am not a televangelist, I'm just The Church Lady. The Swaggarts and Falwells and Roberts and all the Wall Street traders, Reagan and his Iran scammers. I think you will all agree that I'm just a little bit superior to all of thee."
Wynton Marsalis
"We check in under a false name, slip a pill in Jessica's wine, peel off her spandex pants and tube top, Jimmy has to explain that this has never happened to him before. That's about 5 minutes."
Tammy then talks about her drug induced hallucinations, we cut to Church Lady and when we cut back to her she has mascara running down her face. The Church Lady blames Satan and Jim pleads to the audience that they need their emotional and financial support. Enid ends with a message to her viewers.
"These are trying times, people are trying things and getting caught. I want to reassure my viewers that I am not a televangelist, I'm just The Church Lady. The Swaggarts and Falwells and Roberts and all the Wall Street traders, Reagan and his Iran scammers. I think you will all agree that I'm just a little bit superior to all of thee."
Wynton Marsalis
"J Mood"
A little bit of smooth jazz
The President Has Mustard On His Chin
3 Stars
A TV movie of the week where the President is in crisis
From the author of 'The President's Plane Is Down' and 'The President's Tennis Racket is Missing'. Heston enters with a big glob of mustard on his chin and his staff tries to give him hints without telling him. Heston says he has a press conference in 15 minutes but before he goes out he has to eat a candy bar and smears a mess of chocolate on his face. This was fine but a one joke sketch.
Weekend Update
"Vanna White is appearing in Playboy. You can buy a vowel for $250."
A lot of jokes about Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker this week.
"I'm going to hell because I haven't been born again? Pardon me for getting it right the first time."
He also has some things to say about some Disney characters.
"Let me tell you something about Goofy. He's a dog with a dog for a pet. I don't think that's right."
Victoria Jackson gives an editorial but realizes that she has nothing to say and feels apathetic. She ends up laying on the Update desk and speaks to Dennis as her therapist. She ends with an original poem called, "The Life Of A Rug".
Brookfield Zoo Banquet
"Let me tell you something about Goofy. He's a dog with a dog for a pet. I don't think that's right."
Victoria Jackson gives an editorial but realizes that she has nothing to say and feels apathetic. She ends up laying on the Update desk and speaks to Dennis as her therapist. She ends with an original poem called, "The Life Of A Rug".
Brookfield Zoo Banquet
3 Stars
The Sweeney Sisters perform at a zoo benefit
Jon and Victoria are celebrating a new primate house at the zoo when Phil comes in with Charlton Heston. He saw him waiting at the airport and pretended to be his cabbie. They make him say a few words about their new ape habitat as he starred in 'Planet Of The Apes'. Then The Sweeney Sisters come out and sing a monkey medley containing songs like The Theme To The Monkees, Yes We Have No Bananas, If I Could Talk To The Animals and Shock The Monkey. Why is there always such a long buildup to these sketches? Why can't we just get to the singing? Once again Jan and Nora seem to be having a great time and their energy is contagious.
The Hustler Of Money
The Hustler Of Money
3 Stars
A short film directed by future cast member Ben Stiller
John Mahoney plays Paul Newman and Ben Stiller plays Tom Cruise in a parody of The Color Of Money. Newman spots Cruise in a bowling alley showboating and takes him under his wing. The film is a little disjointed but enjoyable especially Stiller prancing and juggling bowling balls as Tom Cruise set to 'Werewolves Of London'.
The Slave Drivers
1 Star
A tribute to the slave drivers who helped build the pyramids
Heston is the captain of the slave drivers and he is throwing them a party for a job well done.
"You guys took a bunch of unmotivated slaves and beat the hell out of them. I'm damn proud of each and everyone of you."
A tribute to the slave drivers who helped build the pyramids
Heston is the captain of the slave drivers and he is throwing them a party for a job well done.
"You guys took a bunch of unmotivated slaves and beat the hell out of them. I'm damn proud of each and everyone of you."
He tells them that their lives will be spared and unveils the product of their hard work. He opens a window and a pyramid is shown on its side. The Pharaoh shows up with his wife who doesn't like the design. Heston pounds his hammer on the floor which sends the pyramid toppling to its correct side. Pleased the Pharoah leaves and tells the slave drivers to get working on another one. Not only was this really unfunny, it was long as all hell. This was one of the more excruciating sketches to sit through this season.
Wynton Marsalis returns with more trumpet instrumental and 'Juan (E. Mustaad)'. It's pleasant but not really right for the show. This is background music or something you hear in a jazz club or a coffee shop. It's not incredibly interesting to watch live on TV especially during a late night comedy show.
UNLV
Wynton Marsalis returns with more trumpet instrumental and 'Juan (E. Mustaad)'. It's pleasant but not really right for the show. This is background music or something you hear in a jazz club or a coffee shop. It's not incredibly interesting to watch live on TV especially during a late night comedy show.
UNLV
Kevin wants to clarify an earlier sketch. They've already gotten a number of calls regarding the UNLV sketch. He tells us that the reason they did the sketch is to prove that UNLV is not a good school. He apologizes for any confusion it might have caused.
FINAL ANALYSIS
FINAL ANALYSIS
"Some of you still haven't put your slaves to death and you know who you are"
Average
2.7 Stars
MVP
Jan Hooks
Oral Roberts University, Church Chat, Brookfield Zoo Banquet, The Slave Drivers
Best Sketch
Oral Roberts University, Church Chat, Brookfield Zoo Banquet, The Slave Drivers
Best Sketch
The Hustler Of Money
Worst Sketch
The Slave Drivers
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
Ugh. There was no saving this one. Not a bright spot in the lineup. Start off with Church Chat as that was probably the best of the lot. Then of course you have Oral Roberts and Jim Bakker sketches back to back. I don't know honestly, this was all around a clunker. To top it off, you have Wyntom Marsalis as the musical guest. So I have to watch a long and unfunny sketch and then listen to a guy blow in a trumpet for 5 minutes.
Host Analysis
Heston said during the goodnights that he hasn't had this much fun since the old Sid Caesar days. He seemed to be having a good time and he also seemed to have his lines memorized. I didn't notice any fumbling over cue cards. He was committed and professional. Just not very funny. However, I can't blame him at all for this episode not working. The writing this week was terrible. He went on to host again in season 19 and did a much better job.
Final Thoughts
Final Thoughts
Don't let the sketch average fool you. This was not a good episode. 2.7 stars puts it slightly under average but it was pretty abysmal to watch. The 5 star rating I gave to The Fruiting skewed the average slightly. None of the sketches worked tonight. The Sweeney Sisters were fun but thrown into a sketch that made no sense otherwise. The Church Lady was cute but I feel like I've seen it 100 times by this point. Then the original sketches offered nothing and were completely too long. I can handle an unfunny sketch except for when it drags. The New Paper Chase and Slave Drivers were insufferable to sit through.
Up Next
Here's a silver lining. John Lithgow hosts next episode. He was my favorite host of season 11 and I don't doubt that he'll bring the goods again.
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