"Where's my prostitute?!"
Cold Open
My version of this episode is missing the cold open which according to SNL archives has Bill Murray backstage with Lorne Michaels and his lawyers. I got a repeat of the Liberace cold open from a few weeks ago. If I'm able to track it down I will edit this article but until then I will be cursing the SNL gods who refuse to put full unedited episodes online.
Bill Murray Monologue
4 Stars
Bill laments America's stronghold on comedy
Bill is upset. A film comedy from another country was a number 1 hit.
"We should have made Crocodile Dundee, but we didn't. This isn't a Chicken Little scenario, this is serious. Look at the French. They used to be funny, now they just have Jerry Lewis and The Smurfs. England had Benny Hill but they squandered him. Mexico had Cantinflas and they worked him to death. Now the Japanese are taking away our cartoon shows."
Bill is sorry that he took a year off to be with his family but he is committed to help this country regain its comedic prowess and asks the audience for help. They need to promise to laugh tonight, even if something's not funny. Bill has an energy and a presence that just makes things funny. He doesn't have to try too hard, or at all, he's just naturally funny.
New York Telephone
I am also missing this commercial parody from my episode. Once again, I will edit this article if I can track it down.
One-Night Stand
Bill is upset. A film comedy from another country was a number 1 hit.
"We should have made Crocodile Dundee, but we didn't. This isn't a Chicken Little scenario, this is serious. Look at the French. They used to be funny, now they just have Jerry Lewis and The Smurfs. England had Benny Hill but they squandered him. Mexico had Cantinflas and they worked him to death. Now the Japanese are taking away our cartoon shows."
Bill is sorry that he took a year off to be with his family but he is committed to help this country regain its comedic prowess and asks the audience for help. They need to promise to laugh tonight, even if something's not funny. Bill has an energy and a presence that just makes things funny. He doesn't have to try too hard, or at all, he's just naturally funny.
New York Telephone
I am also missing this commercial parody from my episode. Once again, I will edit this article if I can track it down.
One-Night Stand
4 Stars
A woman wakes up to find her drunken one night stand has moved in
Bill is in his underwear making breakfast and telling his buddy on the phone that he can come crash at any time because his new girlfriend is super cool. He cranks up the volume on the stereo which wakes up Jan from the next room. She tries to give him the brush off but he insists that they are in love.
"I can sense we're growing apart. Everyone knows it. The girl at the GAP wouldn't even let me use your Visa."
He has changed the answering machine message on her phone and made a dinner date with her mom for the three of them. He has also set her cat free as he's allergic. He finally leaves to give her some space and think but when she goes to take a shower he comes back with his buddies and cracks open some beers on the couch. Bill and Jan have great chemistry and their performances elevate this simple "annoying guy won't leave" sketch.
Donahue
"I can sense we're growing apart. Everyone knows it. The girl at the GAP wouldn't even let me use your Visa."
He has changed the answering machine message on her phone and made a dinner date with her mom for the three of them. He has also set her cat free as he's allergic. He finally leaves to give her some space and think but when she goes to take a shower he comes back with his buddies and cracks open some beers on the couch. Bill and Jan have great chemistry and their performances elevate this simple "annoying guy won't leave" sketch.
Donahue
4 Stars
Tonight's topic: Celibacy"Sex is good. But sex is messy it's hard work, expensive, it can be extremely embarassing and can kill you."
Nora is celibate after only having sex once, with stand up prop comic Gallagher. Victoria is a high school senior who is saving herself for marriage, although until recently she was "the trashiest, trampiest, little hose bag in her school". Jan is an adult film star who is now celibate but still does porno. Jon is a 34 year old virgin who is celibate, but not by choice. He can't even find a prostitute that will have sex with him. Phil then goes on a long and rambling rant as he walks backstage and grabs a doughnut, still talking with his mouth full. We cut to the sponsors of the show and when we come back he's still rambling. Phil, again, gives a terrific performance here that is worth watching.
Nick Slammer
3 Stars
Nick fulfills his community service by performing for inmatesNick is crooning for a group of prisoners. He gets introduced to one inmate and his bitch. There's not much else to say, Murray is fun singing slightly off key. The writing of the sketch is just clever enough to let Bill do his thing.
Weekend Update
"Siskel and Ebert legally changed their names to the fat guy and the other one."
Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker was the big story this week as well as Reagan's memory lapse in the Iran Contra scandal. I didn't write down any jokes this week as nothing really stood out as memorable but Miller always holds this segment together.
Bill Murray is back with his Oscar picks. Best Actress is going to Marlee Matlin as Jane Fonda isn't really an actress, she's a gym teacher. He has to recuse himself from voting for Sissy Spacek, Kathleen Turner and Sigourney Weaver as they have all hosted the show, he's worked with Sigourney and slept with Sissy and Kathleen. Best Actor is going to Paul Newman because they love his marinara sauce. The real heat is for the Irving Thalberg Award though and he's predicting Spielberg for the win. He's predicting a tie for Best Picture between Platoon and Hannah And Her Sisters because they are basically the same movie. He didn't see Platoon but he did get a note from his doctor saying he had flat feet and didn't have to.
It's A Girl
It's A Girl
5 Stars
A doctor who only delivers girls is profiled for People MagazineDr. Hopper has practiced for 21 years, delivered 4,300 babies and they have all been girls. A reporter for People Magazine is here to interview him and has calculated the odds of that happening as 1 in 700 trillion. He lets her stay for a meeting with a set of expecting parents. Dr. Hopper has delivers all 7 of their daughters. Their next child is also going to be a girl but will need an operation. About 51% of the time a girl will be born with a penis and testicles which will need to be removed and reshaped. His nurse enters and it's Jon Lovitz in drag. The reporter begins to smell something foul.
"Half of those babies were boys!"
"No, they weren't boys. They were little girls trapped in little boy bodies. Boys are bad. They have bad thoughts. Sometimes they disobey their mothers and have to be punished. What do their mothers know? They're out all night with Uncle Rudy. Hes not my uncle. Why does she call him my uncle?"
He breaks down crying and we end with the People article about girl crazy obstetrician and a sneak peek at Martina Navratilova's new travel companion (Nurse Jon Lovitz). Phil gives an Emmy award worthy performance as the doctor. He starts as a simple and kind man but eventually evolves into an insane lunatic.
Percy Sledge
'When A Man Loves A Woman'
This is a beautiful song, sung beautifully. Why is he the musical guest in 1987? I did some research and while this song was originally released in 1966 it was reissued in 1986 to promote the soundtrack to Platoon. For some reason, this song doesn't get me in the mood for a dark and gritty Vietnam drama.
Il Returno De Hercules
4 Stars
A poorly dubbed film about Hercules in his later, less muscular yearsI love seeing sketches like this done live. Nowadays this would be pre-filmed but doing it live gives it a charm that would be missing. Bill stars as Hercules, he's out of shape and a little pudgy and trying to rescue a princess from an evil king. The whole sketch is dubbed by Jim Downey and Tom Davis as the actors move their mouths silently. The king orders Hercules to display some feats of strength, like lifting a boulder. He does but pulls his back and has to lay down for a while.
Tough Parents
2 Stars
Parents beat their kids for not performing to their standardsDana comes home with his dad, Bill, after coming in 2nd in the junior golf tournament. After much verbal abuse, Dana grabs a gun and threatens his father. Dad criticizes how he holds it. Nora comes out as the mother and tells dad to lighten up until she hears about the tournament and starts beating her son. Victoria comes in as the daughter. She won two events at her swim meet but lost the third. They spank her and yell at her. Dana ends up shooting mom who falls out the window and then fires at dad. As dad dies he finally expresses a pride in his son for standing up for himself and he dies with a big smile on his face. So, this was dark. It could have been a lot more funny. I almost appreciated the edge but I wish I laughed more than I was shocked.
Taxi
3 Stars
An eccentric cabbie drives a man home
Bill is a chatty cabbie driving Dana home from Papaya King. He talks about how his landlord is raising his rent and he needs to get a lawyer and talks about his ex-prostitute girlfriend who he kidnapped from her pimp, held her hostage and reverse brainwashed her. The pimp is probably somewhere out for blood. Dana is dumbfounded by his story and gets dropped off. Just an excuse for Bill to do his thing.
FINAL ANALYSIS
FINAL ANALYSIS
"This is why I won't do Ghostbusters 2"
Average
3.6 Stars
MVP
Phil Hartman
Donahue, Nick Slammer, It's A Girl
Donahue, Nick Slammer, It's A Girl
Best Sketch
It's A Girl
Worst Sketch
Tough Parents
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
Placement was perfect this episode. The majority of sketches were good so it's not a huge deal where they land in the lineup. If I was producing the show I would definitely package the rerun with the same sketches. I'm missing the cold open and the commercial parody from my episode and the last two sketches were flip flopped. Unless there was some reason that the sketches couldn't be included but from my experience in this department it's usually just useless tinkering.
Host Analysis
He's Bill freaking Murray, where you expecting anything less than great?
Final Thoughts
The sketch average is a little off as I'm missing two sketches but this was a really fun episode. There was only one sketch that I disliked but I still have to give Tough Parents credit for trying. It pushed its bad taste to the limit. I was expecting to love this episode and it didn't disappoint. See the difference a great host can make?
Up Next
Future gun rights activist Charlton Heston hosts for the first time. I reviewed an episode hosted by him in season 19 and I remember him being game for anything and professional. He knew his lines and committed to his characters. He was a crazy gun nut but a decent actor.
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