Saturday Night Live Season 12 Reviews - Episode 13 - Valerie Bertinelli / Robert Cray Band

"What if she no like chicken?"

Cold Open: Affair

2 Stars

Don Regan and Nancy Reagan iron out their differences

White House Chief of Staff Don Regan has a 300 page report for President Reagan about the Iran Contra investigation.  Reagan is hesitant to read it so he is handed a 27 page summary of the report.  Still hesitant he is handed a 6 page outline of the summary then a 1 page abstract of the outline before finally just going with an oral report.  The report basically says that Reagan approved shipments of arms to Iran, which he did.  In comes First Lady Nancy Reagan who has reportedly butted heads with Don.  Ronald asks them to try to get along.
"Now I may not know much about foreign policy or the budget or trade relations or national defense or education or foreign policy or health or social security or the history of our country or how the different branches of government work, but I do know one thing, people."
He leaves the room to let them hash it out and as soon as he does they start talking about the secret affair they are having.  This leads to them making out, a lot, like for an uncomfortable amount of time.  I'm not sure if Phil Hartman was late for his queue or if it was a staging problem but I watched Kevin Nealon and Jan Hooks lock lips for awhile before Phil comes back as Reagan and obliviously looks at the camera and says, 'Live from New York...".  These political cold opens really don't hold up and I don't expect them to.

Valerie Bertenelli Monologue

1 Star

Valerie is trying hard to change her image

After 9 seasons of 'One Day At A Time', Valerie is tired of being seen as 'the girl next door'.  She did a TV movie called 'Vigilante Hooker' and films called 'Chainsaw Stewardesses' and 'Biker Princess' but by the time the censors cut all the sex and violence she was just playing the girl next door in all 3 movies.  I hate to be rude because I like Valerie but this reminded me of when that guy in your office who thinks he's really funny tries open mic stand up and bombs.  She seemed nervous, uncomfortable and most of all, unfunny.

Rerun of McSooshi

Hard News Cafe

3 Stars

Lunch rush at a news themed restaurant

Phil and Valerie are enjoying the Hard News Cafe and admiring the memorabilia, like Irving R. Levine's bowtie.  Sam Donaldson is having lunch at a nearby booth.  Patrons call the waitress over like they are trying to get her attention at a press conference.  Geraldo Rivera is trying to sneak in but gets kicked out by the bouncer.  Dana comes in as Ted Koppel.
"I'm Ted Koppel and THIS...is my lunch."
Ted and Sam talk about the menu as they would a panel discussion show.  Jon Lovitz comes over as a rabid news fan and gets thrown out by veteran newsman and former SNL host Edwin Newman, playing himself.  The concept was fun and some of the jokes were good but the sketch was pretty repetitive once you got the joke.  I also missed the establishing shot the first time I watched the sketch so I didn't immediately understand what was going on.

Discover

5 Stars

Peter Graves interviews a scientist

Phil Hartman plays Peter Graves interviewing a New York University physics professor.
"What is a molecule?"
"It's the smallest portion of a substance while still being that substance."
"So this model is not actual size."
"No.  Molecules are very small.  There are as many molecules in a teaspoon of water as there are teaspoons of water in the Atlantic ocean."
"So molecules are very very small?"
"Yes."
"But you just said that they were very small.  So you were wrong?"
"Yes."
So, Peter is an aloof moron and the professor is going along with his stupidity.  Right away I am loving the absurdity of this sketch. 
"Elements are substances that can not be separated into two or more substances."
"Like a pencil?"
"No."
The professor shows him some gold which Peter tries to pocket.  He also shows him some Osmium which weighs 1,400 pounds which Peter tries to lift.  He then shows him Californium, the world's most expensive element.  Peter removes it from its glass case which sets off an alarm as the element is highly radioactive.  The next element is sodium but the professor is only concerned with the fact that they are all going to die.
"I guess I won't be back next week for another episode of Discover."
Hartman was hysterical here and Lovitz made an excellent straight man.  This was an incredibly funny sketch.

Dinner At The Van Halen's

3 Stars

Valerie and her husband, Eddie Van Halen, try to enjoy dinner but get interrupted by roadies

Dana, Dennis and Kevin are roadies getting a dinner party set up.  Valerie, Eddie and their guests arrive and are consistently interrupted by the roadies talking on walkie talkies, putting down gaffer tape, doing mic checks and shining flashlights on Valerie's head when she references her new highlights.  Valerie ends up getting upset and leaves in a huff.  The roadies call their bedroom guys and tell them to fluff the pillows and turn the lights down.  Once you get the joke of the sketch it keeps repeating until it fades out.

The Robert Cray Band

"Smoking Gun"

The Robert Cray Band offers some blues inspired rock which is a nice change of pace from the usual 80s pop we get during this time period in SNL.

Weekend Update

"Hey, isn't that the animal that never forgets?"

Dennis gets 'War Pigs' from Black Sabbath as his intro this week.  In response to Ronald Reagan saying that he had trouble remembering exactly what he was doing on August 8th 1985 when he agreed to sell arms to Iran, Dennis goes on a pretty funny rant.
"I remember exactly where I was August 8th, 1985.  I was in an intensive therapy session trying to quell my fear that the country was in the hands of a doddering old man."
New Beatles CDs have been released and the clarity is so amazing that Charles Manson now realizes that they probably weren't talking to him.  He must have had a blown speaker.
It's Brian Jones's birthday and if he were alive today I think all of us would be more than a little surprised.

The winner of MTV's Lost Weekend with David Lee Roth contest reports from his hotel room.  Dana plays Roth as he speaks gibberish into the camera and jumps on the bed while the contest winner holds up a sign that says, 'Help Me'.

Kevin Nealon give another rambling report.  I'm really enjoying these and understand why he was called up to replace Miller when he left.  He's here to talk about tax season.  Last year he hired a Chinese account who turned out to not be Chinese, just really tired.  He then invested in a home computer but got trapped in the box it came in.  He thinks he did his taxes correct this year as he got $876,000 back.  He drew a stack of money on his form and colored it in while staying within the lines.

Pet Chicken Shop

1 Star

Ching Change falls in love at first sight

Here's my immediate reaction to this sketch, "No, no, no.  Make this stop.".  Ching Change is running his pet chicken shop but refusing to sell any chickens to customers as, "Chicken make lousy housepet".  Valerie comes in and Ching is instantly enamored by her.  She leaves and he sings 'Get Me To The Church On Time'.  One thing I did get out of this sketch was when Ching Change lies to his sister he says, "Yeah, that's the ticket".  Once again this season, the SNL nerd in me went nuts.  Somehow, Ching Change is aware of Tommy Flanagan's catchphrase.  Does he watch SNL?  Impossible.  He himself is an SNL character and if he was aware of that television program the concept of his own fake existence would be too much for his fragile little mind.  Maybe he frequents the same bar as Tommy and got into a lying contest.  So they all live in the same universe.  This is an insane revelation.  The possibilities are endless.  Sketches can now cross over.  The SNL Cinematic Universe is in full force.

Stompin' 8H

Eddie Van Halen sits in with G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band to do a rock instrumental.  There was a lot of mugging.  At one point I thought Eddie and G.E. were gonna make out.

Washington Center Cosmetic Surgery

Nora Dunn says that no matter how good you look you can always look your best.  Call Washington Center Cosmetic Surgery for a free consultation.  No jokes at all.  I was very confused by what this was until it gets called back later.

Let's Go To The Movies

2 Stars

Two ditsy girls review movies

Valerie and Jan are Chrissy and Bobbi, two high school valley girls.  They are talking about The Color Of Money and they only focus on how cute Tom Cruise is.  They keep talking over each other and saying things like 'Barf' and 'Vomit'.  They also think Paul Newman is a cutie and they tease their next episode which is a retrospective of Rob Lowe films.  This was by no means funny and got a little annoying as it went on.  There was no point to it other than to showcase Jan and Valerie's natural exuberance.  The performances were fun but it seemed unrehearsed and sloppy.

Washington Center Attorneys

3 Stars

Ok, so now I understand what the hell that Washington Center Cosmetic Surgery commercial was about.  Nora is made up to look like The Joker and says that if you have been disfigured during a cosmetic surgery procedure that you could be entitled to compensation.  Call Washington Center Attorneys today, the consultation is free.

On Broadway

3 Stars

An interview with Yul Brynner's replacement in The King And I

Jan is sitting down with Ross Treadway, an actor who is now appearing on Broadway in The King And I taking over the role originated by Yul Brynner.  His performance has been called 'adequate', 'satisfactory' and 'serviceable'.  He has also chosen to play the king with a full head of hair.  Pushed to his breaking point with Brynner comparisons he grabs a pair of scissors and starts to cut his hair off only to be saved by his wife, Nora, who chastises the audience.
"You people make me so damn mad.  He's not Yul Brynner.  Gee, I'm not Yul Brynner either and neither are you."
Ross is going to quit the show after his contract is up and has high hopes for his next gig, the lead role in Zorba The Greek.  This was one of the only times in SNL history where I was not impressed by Hartman's performance.  I thought he was too quick to anger that it ruined the build up to the joke that his character has gone crazy from being compared to Yul Brynner.  A better lead up would have helped the execution but this still had a charm to it.

The Robert Cray Band returns with 'Right Next Door' which is another awesome set.

Opera Singer Doctor

4 Stars

A bad doctor wishes he had followed his true calling

I think at the end of the season I'm gonna make a list of most thankless A. Whitney Brown performance.  He very rarely has lines in sketches and he starts off this piece as a dead body lying on a desk.  Lovitz is a doctor, upset that all his patients die and he never lived out his dream of being an opera singer.  Dana comes in as a patient with a blister on his finger, the doctor pops it but releases a blood clot that kills him instantly.  His next patient is Phil Hartman who is an old man looking for a refill of his heart medication.  Jon recognizes him as a world famous opera teacher.  He asks if he can sing for him and get his opinion.  Jon performs an aria and Phil has a heart attack.  Before he dies he tells the doctor that he has talent.  Satisfied with the knowledge that he could have made it he happily brings in the next patient, who will most assuredly die.

FINAL ANALYSIS

"You want Yul Brynner?  Dig him up.  See what kind of a show he'll do for you."

Average

2.7 Stars

MVP

Phil Hartman
Affair, Hard News Cafe, Discover, Dinner At The Van Halen's, On Broadway, Opera Singer Doctor

Best Sketch

Discover

Worst Sketch

Pet Chicken Shop

How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It

I liked Opera Singer Doctor as an end of the night sketch but if it were me behind the helm I would bury Pet Chicken Shop as deep in to the show as I could.  The only other issue I had with placement was the Washington Center Cosmetic Surgery/Attorney commercial.  I would have wrapped those around the first sketch.  When it came late in the show I had no idea what I was watching and it seemed like a mistake.  Having it right after the monologue would still confuse me but at least I know that's were commercial parodies go.

Host Analysis

I hope I don't sound sexist because I say this about most female hosts, but she was merely adequate.  It's not me though, the show was not known for knowing how to use women.  Every now and then the show would get a Gilda Radner or a Jan Hooks and later a Amy Poehler or Kristen Wiig.  If you were a female cast member on SNL you better know how to write for yourself because the group of white guys that writes all the sketches won't be doing you any favors.  The same goes for the hosts, they know how to write for white men so if you're a white dude hosting SNL you have the tools to succeed.  If you're a woman you are going to playing a lot of thankless girlfriend roles.  She played well with Jan Hooks in Let's Go To The Movies but other than that she was only serviceable.

Final Thoughts

A fair but forgettable episode.  There were some good things in here (the Discover sketch will probably make my best of season list) but everything else was pretty bland.  Looking at the air dates, this is the 3rd in a row for the crew and they only had one week off since they came back so they were probably tired.  Looking forward, they have a month off before they come back with the next episode and it's one that I'm excited for.

Up Next

SNL alum Bill Murray hosts with musical guest Percy Sledge.  I'm going to predict Nick The Lounge Singer.  During his two hosting stints in the Doumanian and Ebersol years he aligned with Eddie Murphy and only wanted to do sketches with him.  I'm wondering if he is going to latch on to one particular cast member.  My guess would be Carvey or Lovitz but I would love to see what Bill and Phil could do together.