"If a sketch doesn't have an ending, so what?"
Cold Open: The Blizzard Of '96
2 Stars
Mayor Giuliani and Governor Pataki tells us why the show is gonna suck
New York City was hit with the worst blizzard in 50 years and over 2 1/2 feet of snow. Pataki and Giuliani compliment each other on the cleanup effort over the week and also thank the cast of SNL who have been out shoveling sidewalks and driving snow plows. They ask us to keep that in mind if they show feels under rehearsed. Then they argue over who's gonna open the show and then decide to do it together. It's hard to rate something that is intentionally lame but there is no better way to start a comedy show than have two non-actors clumsily read off cue cards.
New York City was hit with the worst blizzard in 50 years and over 2 1/2 feet of snow. Pataki and Giuliani compliment each other on the cleanup effort over the week and also thank the cast of SNL who have been out shoveling sidewalks and driving snow plows. They ask us to keep that in mind if they show feels under rehearsed. Then they argue over who's gonna open the show and then decide to do it together. It's hard to rate something that is intentionally lame but there is no better way to start a comedy show than have two non-actors clumsily read off cue cards.
Christopher Walken Monologue
4 Stars
Walken sings a Christmas medley
Due to the blizzard, Walken says he's been stuck with his family watching his old movies all week. His family wonders why he always plays villains.
"Why do you always have to hurt people, shoot them and chop them up? Once in a while you should do something nice."
So Nancy, Molly and Cheri join him on stage for a little winter song medley. He starts with Let It Snow before transitioning to Winter Wonderland. He does a little tap dance and closes out by dropping his own name in the song.
"I'm Walken, Christopher Walken in this winter wonderland."
Good start to the show. They should have just done this instead of the cold open.
Front Porch
Due to the blizzard, Walken says he's been stuck with his family watching his old movies all week. His family wonders why he always plays villains.
"Why do you always have to hurt people, shoot them and chop them up? Once in a while you should do something nice."
So Nancy, Molly and Cheri join him on stage for a little winter song medley. He starts with Let It Snow before transitioning to Winter Wonderland. He does a little tap dance and closes out by dropping his own name in the song.
"I'm Walken, Christopher Walken in this winter wonderland."
Good start to the show. They should have just done this instead of the cold open.
Front Porch
3 Stars
Rita laments the snow fall to her neighbor
Rita DelVecchio is back on her front porch dealing with the snow storm. She talks to her neighbors, she makes jokes and then says he's bad. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. Then Walken shows up as her neighbor with a snowblower and his awkward way of reading the cue cards while he talks saves the sketch. She tries to bribe him into doing her sidewalk with some pasta fazool. He refuses (even though he loves pasta fazool) because Rita keeps her Christmas lights up too long. He runs after a kid who throws a snowball and Rita says she's keeping his snowblower because it touched her porch.
The Continental
Rita DelVecchio is back on her front porch dealing with the snow storm. She talks to her neighbors, she makes jokes and then says he's bad. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. Then Walken shows up as her neighbor with a snowblower and his awkward way of reading the cue cards while he talks saves the sketch. She tries to bribe him into doing her sidewalk with some pasta fazool. He refuses (even though he loves pasta fazool) because Rita keeps her Christmas lights up too long. He runs after a kid who throws a snowball and Rita says she's keeping his snowblower because it touched her porch.
The Continental
4 Stars
The Continental, world renowned lover, entertains a lady
Walken's hosted 7 times now and done The Continental 6 of those times. They used Phil Hartman's voice-over introduction every time too, even after his death. If you've seen one of these you've seen them all but since they only do this sketch every 3 years or so, I forgive them. Walken talks directly to camera in a POV shot of a lady coming to his apartment. He hopelessly tries to woo his visitor until she slaps him in the face and leaves. Here he offers her caviar (he gets his from a dock worker cousin who looks the other way sometimes, he loves how the gooey eggs tickle his tongue) which gets thrown in his face. The best part of the sketch was watching the caviar covered toast stick to Walken's head only to have it fall off and he eats it. This was fun but at almost 10 minutes long really stretched the time limit of a sketch like this. It ends when he shows her a rare objet d'art on his mantle and then ducks out of frame to stoke the fireplace. When the camera pans down he has his head up her skirt.
Joan Osbourne
Walken's hosted 7 times now and done The Continental 6 of those times. They used Phil Hartman's voice-over introduction every time too, even after his death. If you've seen one of these you've seen them all but since they only do this sketch every 3 years or so, I forgive them. Walken talks directly to camera in a POV shot of a lady coming to his apartment. He hopelessly tries to woo his visitor until she slaps him in the face and leaves. Here he offers her caviar (he gets his from a dock worker cousin who looks the other way sometimes, he loves how the gooey eggs tickle his tongue) which gets thrown in his face. The best part of the sketch was watching the caviar covered toast stick to Walken's head only to have it fall off and he eats it. This was fun but at almost 10 minutes long really stretched the time limit of a sketch like this. It ends when he shows her a rare objet d'art on his mantle and then ducks out of frame to stoke the fireplace. When the camera pans down he has his head up her skirt.
Joan Osbourne
"One Of Us"
"What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus."
I did not own this album but I heard this song a lot when it came out. I used to watch the VH1 music video countdown every day after school and this song stayed on their charts for weeks and weeks. I always thought the song was pleasant and incredibly catchy. I've caught myself singing this to myself randomly throughout the week.
Weekend Update
...the cremated remains of his father are still missing. Don't I know it!
O.J. is going to release a tape which attempts to prove his innocence. Should the tape not sell he will release a video of the actual murders themselves.
Christian Brando was released from prison. Meanwhile his father Marlon Brando ate 9 pizzas.
A 3 year old boy is healing from his wounds after being attacked by the family's pet cougar. No one knows why the attack happened except for maybe the fact that their pet is a cougar.
U.S. News and World Reports came out with its best and worst jobs issue. Last year's worst job, crack whore, has been replaced with assistant crack whore.
Jim Breuer shows up to do yet another physical stand up piece about drinking. He tells us to think of our body as a party and your stomach as the bouncer. Beer shows up and mixes well with other beer but then Scotch shows up and starts picking fights. Then he starts letting in his friends Jägermeister, Fuzzy Navels and Kamikazes. At the end of the night, here comes Tequila and it's time for your stomach to tell everyone to get out. This had good energy and I remember loving this bit when I was younger. It didn't hold up that well, probably because I knew what was coming.
Then, after Norm does a joke about Martin Luther King, Jr.'s assassin getting raped in prison, he brings out Jesse Jackson who is Darrell Hammond in blackface. He talks in bombastic circles which reminded me of his Phil Donahue from a few episodes ago. The impression was fun (Norm was particularly cracking up, as if he couldn't believe what they were doing) but I couldn't help but wonder, why? I understand you do a good Jesse Jackson but I can never really condone blackface.
Connie Stinson Talks
A 3 year old boy is healing from his wounds after being attacked by the family's pet cougar. No one knows why the attack happened except for maybe the fact that their pet is a cougar.
U.S. News and World Reports came out with its best and worst jobs issue. Last year's worst job, crack whore, has been replaced with assistant crack whore.
Jim Breuer shows up to do yet another physical stand up piece about drinking. He tells us to think of our body as a party and your stomach as the bouncer. Beer shows up and mixes well with other beer but then Scotch shows up and starts picking fights. Then he starts letting in his friends Jägermeister, Fuzzy Navels and Kamikazes. At the end of the night, here comes Tequila and it's time for your stomach to tell everyone to get out. This had good energy and I remember loving this bit when I was younger. It didn't hold up that well, probably because I knew what was coming.
Then, after Norm does a joke about Martin Luther King, Jr.'s assassin getting raped in prison, he brings out Jesse Jackson who is Darrell Hammond in blackface. He talks in bombastic circles which reminded me of his Phil Donahue from a few episodes ago. The impression was fun (Norm was particularly cracking up, as if he couldn't believe what they were doing) but I couldn't help but wonder, why? I understand you do a good Jesse Jackson but I can never really condone blackface.
Connie Stinson Talks
4 Stars
Connie Stinson likes to guess what his guests are thinking
This was one of the weirdest sketches and it wouldn't have worked with anyone other than Christopher Walken. Walken plays Connie Stinson, a guy who hosts a talk show. His topic today is men who are considering leaving their girlfriends because they have gained weight. His first guest is Will Ferrell who admits that when he met his girlfriend she was a little overweight but then she got a little bigger. Connie does his best to assess the situation.
"She was fat, and she got fatter and you said, uh-uh, no way, hasta la vista, fat hog, right?"
Ferrell says that's not entirely the case. Nancy Walls comes out in a fat suit and Connie seems to think she looks good.
"You gotta tell yourself, I may be a huge stinking pile of fat hog, but that's me."
Then we go to his next guest, Tim Meadows who is upset that his wife, Cheri Oteri, has packed on some pounds and the joke repeats. His last guest is Fred Wolf who has a fat wife but would like her to be fatter.
"So you say, hey, I'm a skinny puke so I'm glad my wife is a fat slice of hog meat."
Connie then goes to the audience to get their opinions. David Koechner stands up and tells the girls that he thinks they are all beautiful.
"You see, other guys don't seem to have a problem with your greasy hog wife. This guy just said, hey, big fat gross hogs. My face is leaving town in 5 minutes, be on it."
He then tells everyone to join the show tomorrow to see more idiots and freaks. This would not have worked with anyone other than Walken in the lead role.
Guidance Counselor
This was one of the weirdest sketches and it wouldn't have worked with anyone other than Christopher Walken. Walken plays Connie Stinson, a guy who hosts a talk show. His topic today is men who are considering leaving their girlfriends because they have gained weight. His first guest is Will Ferrell who admits that when he met his girlfriend she was a little overweight but then she got a little bigger. Connie does his best to assess the situation.
"She was fat, and she got fatter and you said, uh-uh, no way, hasta la vista, fat hog, right?"
Ferrell says that's not entirely the case. Nancy Walls comes out in a fat suit and Connie seems to think she looks good.
"You gotta tell yourself, I may be a huge stinking pile of fat hog, but that's me."
Then we go to his next guest, Tim Meadows who is upset that his wife, Cheri Oteri, has packed on some pounds and the joke repeats. His last guest is Fred Wolf who has a fat wife but would like her to be fatter.
"So you say, hey, I'm a skinny puke so I'm glad my wife is a fat slice of hog meat."
Connie then goes to the audience to get their opinions. David Koechner stands up and tells the girls that he thinks they are all beautiful.
"You see, other guys don't seem to have a problem with your greasy hog wife. This guy just said, hey, big fat gross hogs. My face is leaving town in 5 minutes, be on it."
He then tells everyone to join the show tomorrow to see more idiots and freaks. This would not have worked with anyone other than Walken in the lead role.
Guidance Counselor
4 Stars
Mary Katherine Gallagher has some fantasies about her guidance counselor
Mary Katherine Gallagher runs into her guidance counselor's office, of course she knocks over some chair on the way in. She's in trouble because some kids were making fun of her so she stole all their coats and set them on fire. Walken asks her what he needs to do to keep her out of trouble. With that, Mary drifts off to fantasy land where her and Walken dance to 'The Way You Look Tonight'. They dance into the audience and on to home base where Walken spins her into some folding chairs and she knocks over a cue card guy. Back in reality, Walken tells her that she will have detention in his office all week. Mary is excited about that prospect and screams, "Romance!" as she leaves the office. This was really nice. I'm just starting to get sick of this character so it was nice that they did something completely different with her. It was also super cute to see her dance with Walken around the studio. I'm always a sucker for when the show breaks the fourth wall.
Spade In America
Mary Katherine Gallagher runs into her guidance counselor's office, of course she knocks over some chair on the way in. She's in trouble because some kids were making fun of her so she stole all their coats and set them on fire. Walken asks her what he needs to do to keep her out of trouble. With that, Mary drifts off to fantasy land where her and Walken dance to 'The Way You Look Tonight'. They dance into the audience and on to home base where Walken spins her into some folding chairs and she knocks over a cue card guy. Back in reality, Walken tells her that she will have detention in his office all week. Mary is excited about that prospect and screams, "Romance!" as she leaves the office. This was really nice. I'm just starting to get sick of this character so it was nice that they did something completely different with her. It was also super cute to see her dance with Walken around the studio. I'm always a sucker for when the show breaks the fourth wall.
Spade In America
3 Stars
Spade reports via satellite but there are technical difficulties
Walken sits in for Spade as Spade is on assignment. He is outside the studio to report on the blizzard. We cut to Spade who can not hear Walken, he's joyfully singing 'One Of Us' and lamenting that he has to freeze his ass off.
"Can't one of the new guys do this? How about that guy that does the cheerleader?"
Walken tries to get his attention to no avail. A passerby yells at Spade and asks him who's hosting the show. Spade says that it's that creepy guy who always plays villains and later says that he's probably in his dressing room "going over his lines" as he pantomimes drinking. They finally get the link working just in time for Walken to tell him that the piece is over and Spade says, "I flew out here for this?". We're all thinking the same thing. This was better than most Spade In America bits but I still never look forward to this waste of airtime.
Execution
Walken sits in for Spade as Spade is on assignment. He is outside the studio to report on the blizzard. We cut to Spade who can not hear Walken, he's joyfully singing 'One Of Us' and lamenting that he has to freeze his ass off.
"Can't one of the new guys do this? How about that guy that does the cheerleader?"
Walken tries to get his attention to no avail. A passerby yells at Spade and asks him who's hosting the show. Spade says that it's that creepy guy who always plays villains and later says that he's probably in his dressing room "going over his lines" as he pantomimes drinking. They finally get the link working just in time for Walken to tell him that the piece is over and Spade says, "I flew out here for this?". We're all thinking the same thing. This was better than most Spade In America bits but I still never look forward to this waste of airtime.
Execution
4 Stars
T-Bone interrupts an execution
We open with Walken strapped to an electric chair awaiting execution. His executioner removes his mask and it's Gerald "T-Bones" Tibbons, a southern "truth teller" with a comb over and an underbite. He's confused over when he's supposed to pull the lever. The warden yells that he's supposed to remain anonymous but T-Bones doesn't mind, in fact he'd like to talk to the condemned man. T-Bones keeps giving him just a little bit of juice and eventually says he has to hit the water closet. The warden gets a call from the governor about a reprieval but it was just T-Bones playing a practical joke. I liked this character, the only fault for me in the sketch was I thought Walken played his part too straight. He actually seemed scared that he was gonna die which killed some of the joke. It's a small complaint because I can always have more T-Bones in my life.
FINAL ANALYSIS
We open with Walken strapped to an electric chair awaiting execution. His executioner removes his mask and it's Gerald "T-Bones" Tibbons, a southern "truth teller" with a comb over and an underbite. He's confused over when he's supposed to pull the lever. The warden yells that he's supposed to remain anonymous but T-Bones doesn't mind, in fact he'd like to talk to the condemned man. T-Bones keeps giving him just a little bit of juice and eventually says he has to hit the water closet. The warden gets a call from the governor about a reprieval but it was just T-Bones playing a practical joke. I liked this character, the only fault for me in the sketch was I thought Walken played his part too straight. He actually seemed scared that he was gonna die which killed some of the joke. It's a small complaint because I can always have more T-Bones in my life.
FINAL ANALYSIS
"Hey, we're mindless hyenas, worthless white trash and no account colored people, but we still know when a guy has his head up his ass"
Average
3.5 Stars
MVP
Christopher Walken
If picking from the cast
David Koechner
Connie Stinson Talks, Execution
If picking from the cast
David Koechner
Connie Stinson Talks, Execution
Best Sketch
Connie Stinson Talks
Worst Sketch
Cold Open: The Blizzard Of '96
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
Other than the cold open, every sketch had something to like so it really doesn't matter where you placed the sketches. Throw them all in a blender and put them wherever you like. Connie Stinson Talks needs to be post Update though. That sketch was too weird to be on early in the show.
Host Analysis
Walken is always off-puttingly brilliant. He reads directly off the cue cards, he stumbles over his words, sometimes he seems to be making lines up off the top of his head. No matter what he's doing, he's always interesting. Some may think he's making weird acting choices, I tend to think that this is just him. He's a good actor but in real life he's just an odd fellow and this is him just being himself. He has a natural comic timing and if you give him funny lines he will deliver them. He's like a white Tracy Morgan, just put something funny on the cue cards, wind him up and let him go.
Final Thoughts
I didn't realize until I was watching the episode again to grab screenshots, but we only got one musical act this episode. I guess Joan Osbourne truly was a one-hit wonder. Actually what probably happened is the show ran really long. Possibly due to Walken's delivery, some of the sketches felt like they went on forever. I usually have 10 rateable sketches per episode, here I only had 8. The Continental was almost 10 minutes and Connie Stinson Talks was about the same, those two sketches take up half the episode. At the end of the show they cut to home base and Lenny Pickett played saxophone for about a minute to fill time. This was a pretty solid episode but an atypical one. It may have been because Mayor Rudy Giuliani told me right up front that the show was gonna suck and it had me expecting an uneven show before it even started.
Up Next
Up Next
Future SNL Emmy winner and all-time hosting record holder Alec Baldwin puts another notch in his SNL belt with musical guest Tori Amos
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