"You are really good, good like wood"
Cold Open: NBC's Christmas Salute To Our Bosnian Troops
3 Stars
Jay Leno hosts a USO show for our troops going to Bosnia
Jay is in Italy giving our troops some laughs before they ship out to Bosnia, all his jokes are intentionally unfunny and about OJ Simpson. It's hard to laugh at something that is meant to be lame. He mentions that Howard Stern brought some lesbians on his show last week who started making out. To one up Howard he brings out RuPaul (Tim Meadows in drag) and plants a big kiss on her lips. Then he brings out Courteney Love (Molly Shannon) who plants one of her legs on her amp and covers her crotch with her guitar. She scream sings and falls into a Christmas tree. Then Norm MacDonald and Cheri Oteri come out as George Burns and Fran Drescher, Burns makes some jokes about being impotent while Fran laughs in her annoying high pitched voice. Bonus points for including Norm in the cold open but this felt kinda listless. I was never sure what the point of this was other than to showcase some celebrity impressions.
Madeline Kahn Monologue
Jay is in Italy giving our troops some laughs before they ship out to Bosnia, all his jokes are intentionally unfunny and about OJ Simpson. It's hard to laugh at something that is meant to be lame. He mentions that Howard Stern brought some lesbians on his show last week who started making out. To one up Howard he brings out RuPaul (Tim Meadows in drag) and plants a big kiss on her lips. Then he brings out Courteney Love (Molly Shannon) who plants one of her legs on her amp and covers her crotch with her guitar. She scream sings and falls into a Christmas tree. Then Norm MacDonald and Cheri Oteri come out as George Burns and Fran Drescher, Burns makes some jokes about being impotent while Fran laughs in her annoying high pitched voice. Bonus points for including Norm in the cold open but this felt kinda listless. I was never sure what the point of this was other than to showcase some celebrity impressions.
Madeline Kahn Monologue
2 Stars
Madeline sings a song
Madeline mentions that this is her second time hosting. The first time seemed to go well and that's why they waited 18 years to have her back. She's had a song prepared for this occasion and says she is going to perform it now. She sings 'Ain't Got Home' by Clarence 'Frogman' Henry pretty much without irony. She sings part of the song in a deep, raspy voice which is kinda funny but this was pretty much just a song. It was cute but not funny.
Rerun of Gangsta Bitch Barbie
Basketball Game
Madeline mentions that this is her second time hosting. The first time seemed to go well and that's why they waited 18 years to have her back. She's had a song prepared for this occasion and says she is going to perform it now. She sings 'Ain't Got Home' by Clarence 'Frogman' Henry pretty much without irony. She sings part of the song in a deep, raspy voice which is kinda funny but this was pretty much just a song. It was cute but not funny.
Rerun of Gangsta Bitch Barbie
Basketball Game
3 Stars
The Spartan cheerleaders root on their basketball team
This is the 2nd time we've seen the Spartan cheerleaders and I have the same reaction to them I had the first time. I also have the same reaction I had 20 years ago when I was watching these sketches live. This is cute but it doesn't make me laugh. They do some goofy cheers. In this installment we find out that Craig wants to ask Arianna to the Christmas dance but she doesn't like him like that. It ends with the principal telling them that they didn't make the squad and they need to return their uniforms.
John-John Mackey's Storm Tracker Accu-Cast
This is the 2nd time we've seen the Spartan cheerleaders and I have the same reaction to them I had the first time. I also have the same reaction I had 20 years ago when I was watching these sketches live. This is cute but it doesn't make me laugh. They do some goofy cheers. In this installment we find out that Craig wants to ask Arianna to the Christmas dance but she doesn't like him like that. It ends with the principal telling them that they didn't make the squad and they need to return their uniforms.
John-John Mackey's Storm Tracker Accu-Cast
3 Stars
John-John Mackey don't take no shit from weather
Are you tired of little boys trying to talk like weathermen? John-John Mackey grabs that bastard weather and pounds it into little sharks. Tim Meadows acts tough describing his weatherman job.
"When I see a storm front coming I'm like what's up bitch, go make me a sandwich."
This was short and sweet but not something I'll remember by the end of the show.
Bird Claws
Are you tired of little boys trying to talk like weathermen? John-John Mackey grabs that bastard weather and pounds it into little sharks. Tim Meadows acts tough describing his weatherman job.
"When I see a storm front coming I'm like what's up bitch, go make me a sandwich."
This was short and sweet but not something I'll remember by the end of the show.
Bird Claws
3 Stars
A couple argues as they are being carried by a giant bird
While watching this episode I kept wondering where Madeline Kahn was. She did the monologue and then wasn't in the first 3 sketches. I think this sketch is why, she had to get rigged into a harness and attached to a giant bird foot. While Kahn and Koechner fly through the air they sarcastically bicker about how they got to this point.
"I got an idea, let's go for a picnic."
"I know the perfect place, by the nuclear power plant."
"Let's sit in that big bowl of hay"
"I'll just push out these egg shaped boulders"
"Don't worry, a bird can't open a car door with its beak."
"They can't poop when they're flying."
It ends with David Koechner getting covered in bird shit. This was cute but it seemed like more thought went into the set than the actual sketch.
Leg Up
While watching this episode I kept wondering where Madeline Kahn was. She did the monologue and then wasn't in the first 3 sketches. I think this sketch is why, she had to get rigged into a harness and attached to a giant bird foot. While Kahn and Koechner fly through the air they sarcastically bicker about how they got to this point.
"I got an idea, let's go for a picnic."
"I know the perfect place, by the nuclear power plant."
"Let's sit in that big bowl of hay"
"I'll just push out these egg shaped boulders"
"Don't worry, a bird can't open a car door with its beak."
"They can't poop when they're flying."
It ends with David Koechner getting covered in bird shit. This was cute but it seemed like more thought went into the set than the actual sketch.
Leg Up
2 Stars
Debbie and Ann interview a Russian ballet
Much like the Spartan Cheerleaders, this is cute but it doesn't make me laugh. Shannon and Oteri play Ann Miller and Debbie Reynolds, respectively. They seem to never know who the guest is and confuse their accomplishments with old Broadway shows. This week they interview Madeline Kahn who is playing the grand dame of the Russian ballet. Debbie and Ann talk about how Gene Kelly sliding into his tights used to make them wet and Madeline talks about how she had sex with Mikhail Baryshnikov. They're all horny old ladies. They lament that most male dancers are gay. This was probably my least favorite iteration of this.
Bush
Much like the Spartan Cheerleaders, this is cute but it doesn't make me laugh. Shannon and Oteri play Ann Miller and Debbie Reynolds, respectively. They seem to never know who the guest is and confuse their accomplishments with old Broadway shows. This week they interview Madeline Kahn who is playing the grand dame of the Russian ballet. Debbie and Ann talk about how Gene Kelly sliding into his tights used to make them wet and Madeline talks about how she had sex with Mikhail Baryshnikov. They're all horny old ladies. They lament that most male dancers are gay. This was probably my least favorite iteration of this.
Bush
"Comedown"
I have a weird relationship with Bush. When I was a kid my favorite band was The Beatles. My parents wouldn't let me watch MTV when I was a kid because of all the sex and violence in the videos. So I grew up listening to my dad's records. One day, I was in Junior High, and a kid asked me who my favorite band was. I didn't want to look lame so I said Bush. Thing is I had never heard any of their songs. It was only until a few years later that I bought the album Razorblade Suitcase and really enjoyed it. This song is from their first album which I bought at a used record store eventually and enjoyed as well. I was never a huge fan. I like happy music, I wasn't one of those kids locking myself in my room wondering why the world doesn't understand me.
Weekend Update
Bad Face Day
Michael Jackson is in stable condition and continuing to improve, although he is still a freak.
Paula Barbieri says that she broke up with O.J. Simpson the day his wife was murdered. Tough day for O.J.. He gets dumped by his girlfriend and then Colombian hit-men kill his wife.
On Martha Stewart's Christmas special she demonstrated that with an old soup can, some used teabags, some string and some sparkles you can make a useless piece of crap.
Despite Alzheimer's, Frank Sinatra celebrated his 80th birthday in style by singing a duet with a hooker and having sex with Tony Bennett.
Prostitute Divine Brown has written a book describing in detail what she did with Hugh Grant. The book sells for $25 but for $35 she'll show you.
Next week we celebrate Christmas or as people born on Dec. 25th call it, screwed out of a present day.
We're joined by St. Nicky from the Bronx. This is Colin Quinn's 3rd appearance in 4 episodes and he has yet to be listed in the opening credits. This is almost exactly the same as his other characters. He's a mythical creature with real life problems. Just like last week's episode where he was a lion in trouble with the law, St. Nicky is a mob tough who also works as Santa and he tells us his story. He steals things from the houses he visits and he lost all his money on a reindeer race. These are not working for me and I know it's probably the resentment I have knowing that Quinn will be taking Norm's job in 2 seasons.
Antique Shop
Paula Barbieri says that she broke up with O.J. Simpson the day his wife was murdered. Tough day for O.J.. He gets dumped by his girlfriend and then Colombian hit-men kill his wife.
On Martha Stewart's Christmas special she demonstrated that with an old soup can, some used teabags, some string and some sparkles you can make a useless piece of crap.
Despite Alzheimer's, Frank Sinatra celebrated his 80th birthday in style by singing a duet with a hooker and having sex with Tony Bennett.
Prostitute Divine Brown has written a book describing in detail what she did with Hugh Grant. The book sells for $25 but for $35 she'll show you.
Next week we celebrate Christmas or as people born on Dec. 25th call it, screwed out of a present day.
We're joined by St. Nicky from the Bronx. This is Colin Quinn's 3rd appearance in 4 episodes and he has yet to be listed in the opening credits. This is almost exactly the same as his other characters. He's a mythical creature with real life problems. Just like last week's episode where he was a lion in trouble with the law, St. Nicky is a mob tough who also works as Santa and he tells us his story. He steals things from the houses he visits and he lost all his money on a reindeer race. These are not working for me and I know it's probably the resentment I have knowing that Quinn will be taking Norm's job in 2 seasons.
Antique Shop
4 Stars
Lucien Callow and Fagan are bound to their store's return policy
Lucien and Fagan are about to close up shop, retire home and get bare ass naked to watch Nightline. Madeline Kahn enters holding a tiny dog and a lamp. She wants to return the lamp because she has redecorated her house and the lamp no longer fits her decor.
"Imagine how it would clash?", she says.
They do and we quickly cut to the lamp surrounded by Navajo tapestries which causes the both of them to gasp. There is a problem though, this lamp was purchased 91 days ago and they have a strict 90 day return policy.
"We are chained like slaves to our tyrannical store policy."
Kahn leaves after hoping the two go broke, start begging on the street, freeze during the winter so she can bring her dog to pee pee and ca ca on their graves. Lucien vows to never make policy again. Fagan points out the irony that by saying that, he was making policy. These characters bizarrely grow on me, they are just weird enough that I don't mind spending 4 minutes with them. They are starting to wear out their welcome though.
Fuzzy Memories
Lucien and Fagan are about to close up shop, retire home and get bare ass naked to watch Nightline. Madeline Kahn enters holding a tiny dog and a lamp. She wants to return the lamp because she has redecorated her house and the lamp no longer fits her decor.
"Imagine how it would clash?", she says.
They do and we quickly cut to the lamp surrounded by Navajo tapestries which causes the both of them to gasp. There is a problem though, this lamp was purchased 91 days ago and they have a strict 90 day return policy.
"We are chained like slaves to our tyrannical store policy."
Kahn leaves after hoping the two go broke, start begging on the street, freeze during the winter so she can bring her dog to pee pee and ca ca on their graves. Lucien vows to never make policy again. Fagan points out the irony that by saying that, he was making policy. These characters bizarrely grow on me, they are just weird enough that I don't mind spending 4 minutes with them. They are starting to wear out their welcome though.
Fuzzy Memories
I'm going to stop rating these as they are always decent.
"I used to love to stick my head out the window on car trips until one time we passed an oncoming car and my head knocked off a dog's head."
The sound effect and the visual of the dog's head flying through the air were perfect.
Spade In America
The sound effect and the visual of the dog's head flying through the air were perfect.
Spade In America
1 Star
David waves buh-bye to things he won't miss from 1995
Every episode we get to this segment and I have forgotten that it exists. Then I get upset because I dislike it and for some reason I forgot it was coming so it's like an unpleasant surprise. Like when you sit on the toilet and the seat is wet. Spade gives us his New Year's wish list of things he hopes we don't see in 1996. He wants everyone to stop talking about Windows '95. He hates Magic Eye pictures. People need to stop coming in to work on Friday asking him if he saw Friends. He also doesn't want to ever hear the expressions 'Don't go there' and 'Little more information than I needed'. He also thinks girls should stop getting tattoos. I know I keep saying this but I think this was the lamest one yet.
Wedding Vows
5 Stars
Susan and David exchange their vows
This is just a simple sketch that is only here to come up with some absurd and stupid dialogue. Before Will Ferrell and Madeline Kahn are married they want to read their self written vows. Both of them seem to be insane.
"You have a body that won't quit. Your head is like a diamond ball filled with Cadillacs. Your feet are like diamond balls as well but stretched out and flattened. They are filled with the finest motel soaps."
"I've always dreamed of this day. In the dream I was flying with Frank Sinatra on my back."
"I love you, let's hump until there's no more eternity. I want to hump you till there's no tomorrow. Weird humping. Stuff you've never done before. So weird we feel awkward hanging out with each other the next day."
Fuzzy Memories
This is just a simple sketch that is only here to come up with some absurd and stupid dialogue. Before Will Ferrell and Madeline Kahn are married they want to read their self written vows. Both of them seem to be insane.
"You have a body that won't quit. Your head is like a diamond ball filled with Cadillacs. Your feet are like diamond balls as well but stretched out and flattened. They are filled with the finest motel soaps."
"I've always dreamed of this day. In the dream I was flying with Frank Sinatra on my back."
"I love you, let's hump until there's no more eternity. I want to hump you till there's no tomorrow. Weird humping. Stuff you've never done before. So weird we feel awkward hanging out with each other the next day."
Fuzzy Memories
One day I was walking past mom and dad's room and they were talking about not having enough money to pay the bills. I knew what I had to do. I got my piggy bank and buried it in the back yard where they couldn't get their mitts on it.
We end the night with a rerun of Old Glory Insurance
FINAL ANALYSIS
"I hate you, my dog hates you and I will never shop here again"
Average
2.8 Stars
MVP
Will Ferrell
Basketball Game, John-John Mackey, Antique Shop, Wedding Vows
Basketball Game, John-John Mackey, Antique Shop, Wedding Vows
Best Sketch
Wedding Vows
Worst Sketch
Leg Up
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
Despite a really good 10-1 sketch, everything after Weekend Update seemed like filler. We got 2 Fuzzy Memories, Spade In America and a commercial rerun. It's like they weren't even trying this week. Pre-Update we got 2 commercials and 2 recurring sketches. There were only 2 original sketches in the whole episode. I don't think swapping the order of the sketches would have helped matters much.
Host Analysis
I love Madeline Kahn but she did little to nothing this whole episode. It wasn't her fault they just didn't give her anything fun. She played the straight woman in every sketch. Even when she was delivering crazy dialogue like in Wedding Vows she was still reading the lines with a straight delivery (which made that sketch funnier, actually). She's one of my favorite actresses of all time and at this point in her career she was stealing scenes from Bill Cosby on his new CBS sitcom 'Cosby' but SNL didn't seem to know what to do with her. She handled her self just fine but I will completely forget that she hosted by the end of the season.
Final Thoughts
This whole show felt very lazy. A lot of that had to do with the end of the episode where we got 2 Fuzzy Memories and a rerun of Old Glory Insurance. I can understand that a sketch ran long and they may have cut something for time but that's a lot to fill. I think they ran out of stuff and had to throw something on at the last minute. But the episode feels lazy all over as well. They brought back stuff like the Cheerleaders and Leg Up and Lucien and Fagan and even started the episode with a commercial rerun and then for some reason had a new commercial parody after that.
Up Next
Always a favorite host of mine, Christopher Walken hosts next week with musical guest Joan Osbourne.
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