“Ethnic cleansing? Talk to the hand!”
Cold Open: China Press Conference
1 Star
Wait a minute, have I seen this before? It feels familiar. It's an almost exact carbon copy of the Season 35 Joseph Gordon-Levitt cold open except Bill is playing the Chinese President instead of Will Forte. All the jokes are the same with Nasim translating and the Chinese President insinuating that Obama is "doing sex to him" over our debt to their country. It still has some laughs from Nasim's matter-of-fact translations but can you plagiarize yourself? It's the exact same thing they did last season. I doubt anyone was clamoring for a repeat.
Scarlett Johansson Monologue
Scarlett sings "Class" from Chicago with the aid of Dina Lohan and Ke$ha and dedicates it to tabloid sensations who have sex tapes and get photographed without underwear. 6 episodes in and we're at 3 singing monologues.
MTV: Maternity Television
I'm guessing this was a comment on the popularity of Teen Mom. MTV promotes other pregnancy related television shows like My Super Sweet 16 And Pregnant, America's Best Pregnant Dance Crew, I'm Snooki And Pregnant, and my favorite Cribs (which is just mothers standing next to their newborns in a crib).
The Millionaire Matchmaker
2 reality show parodies in a row, I'm sensing a theme. I'm completely unfamiliar with the real show this is spoofing but Scarlett is doing fine character work. Her facial expressions are pretty funny. Vanessa is the show here though as the mousy millionaire being matched with a blind man, a child, and an old rabbi.
The Manuel Ortiz Show
Ugh. Luckily this is the last Manuel Ortiz Show I need to watch as I've already covered Season 37. Raise a glass to the final time I'll need to see this repetitive sketch. As I was watching this my wife came into the room and said "Oh, I love this one". I'm currently filing for divorce.
Unstoppable
Denzel Washington has a new movie coming out so that means it's time for Jay's impression of him to return. A spoof of a then-recent movie about a runaway train has repeated Denzel laughs, old jokes, and references to the Chrysler Building. I watched the actual trailer for context and I can safely say that this is funnier. I also now know that Scarlett was supposed to be playing Rosario Dawson, so that's weird. Luckily the spoof works without context and is probably better without it. Jay and Taran are both fun.
Hollywood Dish
3rd and final appearance of this sketch. I was ready to say 'good riddance' but I actually enjoyed this. Bill and Kristen awkwardly interview Scarlett. They make her speak Japanese, talk about her husband Ryan Reynold's penis, and do the required spit take but follow it up with dumping a bowl of spaghetti on Kristen's head. Also liked the random appearance of both of their moms when the word 'penis' is said. I thought the tag was unnecessary this time, or they should have at least made Scarlett look racist with the Japanese bit.
Arcade Fire
"We Used To Wait"
Weekend Update
Frank and Gladys Madden talk about a Carnival Cruise they were on that lost power and caught on fire. Gladys is more upset about getting the wrong room, the desert at the buffet, and that her husband left her alone to gamble. This bit feels oddly familiar too. Either I've seen something similar to this or I just sensed where it was going as soon as it started.
St. Kat's Middle
0 Stars
Oh god, I remember this. I had blocked it out of memory all these years but I distinctly recall watching this live and thinking "Jesus fucking Christ, why is Kenan Thompson still on this show? What the hell is this and how did it get past the table read?". Kenan has a broken knee, his classmates think they can make him walk again with the power of positive thinking. They lift him up, he falls, he lays on the floor shouting some stuff. This happens again and again until the sketch just ends.
I feel like the comedy was supposed to come from Kenan screaming in pain on the floor but the audience is exceptionally quiet during these moments. The entire cast seems to know this is bombing hard and it shows in their performances. I'm tempted to give this negative stars but I'm standing strong, but this actively hurts my enjoyment of the episode and seeing how there hasn't been anything outstanding in the show so far it makes me want to say you should skip this one completely because there's nothing worth sitting through this.
And to make matters worse, the sketch just ends. They hit us with the same joke 3 times and then just said "Peace, we outta here". The camera cuts to everyone walking away and Kenan getting up from the floor and leaving the stage. It was like the sketch had to be a certain length and once they hit that quota they rang the dinner bell and went home. Good thing Kenan really stretched out those screams on the floor or we may have had to sit through him falling down for a 4th time. This is a strong contender for worst sketch of all time.
What Was That?
What was that? Exactly what I was thinking after the St. Kat's Middle sketch. Maybe it's that sketch's stank still lingering but I didn't like this at all either. Andy leads a model U.N. who gives a report for the real U.N.. He sings a song about atrocities like the Holocaust, Hiroshima, Vietnam, Slavery, the Khmer Rouge, and asks "what was that?". It's repetitive and slightly annoying. Arcade Fire shows up at the end and perform until it just ends. Much like the last sketch it feels like they had to fill exactly 3 minutes and once that was done they just called it a day.
A Treat From Paula Deen's Kitchen
Kristen plays Paula Deen and promotes an 8-ply paper towel that will soak up all the butter and oil she uses on her food. Weird seeing a Paula Deen sketch where the controversy surrounding her was that her food was unhealthy. It's like if they did a sketch about Jared Fogle getting arrested for jaywalking.
Arcade Fire return with "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)"
Stars Of Tomorrow
It's the debut of Laura Parsons! One of my favorite recurring characters. Too bad you're shoved to the back half of this crappy episode. Laura acts out a scene from A Few Good Men and Forrest Gump, Scarlett's rival child star does scenes from On The Waterfront and The Color Purple. Then they team up for Brokeback Mountain. It was as Bobby says "double gay-mazing". I love this character and I love Vanessa's performance. Thanks for giving me some light in this crappy tunnel.
Mike's Busteria
And it wouldn't be a Scarlett Johansson episode without a visit from this character, this time selling ceramic busts. This is the last one of these and we didn't really need any more.
“Where is your brain, in your butt?”
Average
2 Stars
MVP
Vanessa Bayer
MTV: Maternity Television, The Millionaire Matchmaker, Weekend Update, Stars Of Tomorrow
Best Sketch
Stars Of Tomorrow
Worst Sketch
St. Kat’s Middle
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
Come up with an original cold open. Move Unstoppable, Hollywood Dish, and Stars Of Tomorrow to the start of the show and put on a test pattern for the rest of it.
Host Analysis
Serviceable in some weak material. I liked her Millionaire Matchmaker (although Vanessa stole the show), she was fine in Stars Of Tomorrow (but again that's Vanessa's showcase), and then how good can you be as one of the dancing guests on The Manuel Ortiz Show? I'll be interested to do a ranking of all her episodes once I cover every season (unfortunately have to wait until I get to Season 45 sometime around 2025) because so far I've seen her in a Deep House Dish and a Virginiaca Hastings sketch. Her Season 42 episode was decent but which one will take the prize of worst (I'm guessing this one).
Final Thoughts
Outside of Vanessa's pieces this whole episode stunk. Seeing how the only sketches I liked were either repeats (Hollywood Dish) or the start of a recurring character who we'd see in better episodes (Laura Parsons) you can throw this episode on the trash heap. I'm not kidding when I say that St. Kat's Middle is one of the worst sketches in the show's history. When I think back on this episode (which I hopefully won't often) I'll remember it as the episode with the worst sketch ever. Watch the Taylor Swift or Jennifer Lopez episodes from Season 35 if you want a Hollywood Dish (although neither of those are all that great either) and you can skip ahead to Season 39 to see more Laura Parsons or any of her Update appearances.
Up Next
Anne Hathaway + Florence + The Machine
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