Ranking The Baldwins

The reigning champion of SNL hosts with 17 under his belt.  He's got some classics, some average, and a few forgettable.  Now that I've watched all of them it's time to rank these suckers.  Alec's been through plenty of career roadblocks but something tells me it might be a while before we see him again, if ever.

#17

Season 34 Episode 16

Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Sketch Average: 1.8 Star

If you asked me to guess what would be the lowest rated Alec Baldwin episode I would have guessed Season 19 where he hosted with his then wife Kim Basinger (more on that in a second) or I would have assumed something from the wasteland of the post-Ferrell, pre-Hader era.  I wouldn't have guessed this one but that's because I forgot it existed.  First the good, if you're a Jonas Brothers fan there's plenty of them, 2 musical performances, a Digital Short, and a sketch where Alec plays The Oldest Jonas.  There's a return of Will Forte's Carl and Bill Hader's Jerry, I'll refer to them as the Fart Face guys, which isn't as classic as the first but still has some nice absurdist touches.  And there's Wii Guys which has Alec mock jerking off his sons while playing video games which is a decent sight gag.  But the bad, a lifeless cold open featuring Dan Aykroyd as John Boehner, the 3rd and final installment of The Cougar Den (a sketch I never liked to begin with), probably the most forgettable Vincent Prince Special, a sketch called Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photo Shop which parodied the rapper's love of big butts...in 2009!?!, and a big old give up at the end where we get 2 commercial repeats in a row followed by an afterthought of a sketch called First Coughs: Mastering The Art Of Foreshadowing Your Character's Death.  I'd call this a big old waste of everyone's time.

#16

Season 19 Episode 13

Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger / UB40

Sketch Average: 2.2 Stars

The cold open is fun with Alec recalling all the Wiseguys he grew up with.  The 10-1 sketch is fun with Chris Farley going into Kim's Dressing Room to profess his love.  Other than that, the middle is weak to forgettable to bad, you know, Season 19 in general.  For some reason I think Canteen Boy Goes Camping has its fans, I'm not one of them.  We get our 2nd appearance of Phillip, Mike Myers's hyperactive child character, Microscopic Elvis, a follow-up to Tiny Elvis, forgettable sketches like Pyramid Of Pain and Romantic Man and a self-indulgent Family Feud parody where Alec, his wife, and brothers compete on the game show.  Add to the fact that Kim Basinger does not seem to want to be anywhere near this show and you got a pretty lifeless outing.

#15

Season 27 Episode 18

Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

Sketch Average: 2.5 Stars

While the sketch average is higher for this one than the previous two, I think this may be the weakest.  The only thing this really has going for it is The Anatominals Show which is funny because of how crass and vulgar it is.  This has the debut of The Tony Bennett Show but his interview with Liza Minnelli and David Gest mostly results in a lot of gay jokes.  Speaking of that, we also have Gay Voicemail where Alec is confused why he sounds gay on his answering machine.  There's the 5th appearance of The Lovers this time with Alec joining in on their intimacy.  A monologue with Darrell as Al Gore coming to terms with the election results (2 years later).  A sketch with Horatio as Ozzy in a recording studio and White Men Black Women where rich white men display their fondness for older black women.  None of this is good plus you get two musical performances from P.O.D. and who wants that?

#14

Season 42 Episode 14

Alec Baldwin / Ed Sheeran

Sketch Average: 2.6 Stars

Alec's final time hosting (as of 2023) is another weak one.  This is probably the last of the bad Alec episodes as the rest all have something to enjoy even if they're not "classics".  There's really nothing here I would recommend watching other than Leslie Wants To Play Trump where Leslie Jones dons the orange wig in an effort to replace Alec as the commander in chief parodist.  Do you like Alec as Trump?  Well, you can literally watch any other episode from this season.  Do you like Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer?  Well, this one has the second time she did it and it's not as good as the first.  You like Tracy Morgan?  Well, you'll probably be bored when he cameos as one of Beyonce's Babies.  You like Kellyanne Conway?  Why do you like that?  Plus we end with a sketch that is just Mikey Day farting during Gym Class.  It's weird that Alec as Trump was such a boost to Season 42 but the episode he hosted is one of the weakest of the season.

#13

Season 21 Episode 11

Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Sketch Average: 2.6 Stars

It's Season 21 so of course you're going to get The Cheerleaders, The Joe Pesci Show, and Lucien Callow and Fagan.  It was contractually obligated by NBC that those characters appear in every episode of this season.  This has Alec as Robert DeNiro, the debut of Bill Brasky (which is a sketch everyone loves but me, I just like it), a great cold open with Ted Koppel stunned at the news that Michael Jackson has gotten a divorce, Public Opinion which has Alec killing Lassie and wiping his ass with the American flag, plus a Norm MacDonald Weekend Update so you can't complain too much.  A lot of weak stuff lowers the average like Literary Theatre where Molly and Nancy Walls act out Dense And Densibility, She where Alec and Mark McKinney address inanimate objects as female, and Accidentally Shot By Hunters, a talk show where people get shot because they resemble deer.

#12

Season 35 Episode 22

Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Sketch Average: 2.7 Stars

Alec tied Steve Martin's record this season with his 15th episode as host.  An enjoyable end to a season but a mixed bag.  Timecrowave is a great sketch where Alec has invented a microwave that cooks food by sending it back in time to when you're hungry.  You just have to remember to cook the food afterwards or you'll cause a rip in the space time continuum.  Great Day is a top notch Digital Short with Andy coked out of his mind.  I've always enjoyed Nasim's Bedelia character and this marks her 2nd appearance.  This also has one of the few bright moments of Jenny Slate's tenure where she plays a hooker in Whistle If You Can.  Throw in Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers and Stefon on Update and you got a lot of good in this one.  But the bad is show stopping as Kristen debuts her character Starfish, a script supervisor for the soap opera Arizona Evenings, which thankfully only had this one appearance.  There's also the 3rd visit from Garth & Kat.

#11

Season 29 Episode 6

Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliott

Sketch Average: 2.8 Stars

I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said already when I say that Season 29 sucked.  It sucked big time.  But Alec's episode was a bright spot despite starting with Darrell Hammond as George W. Bush.  That was a bad idea all around and it's probably good that it exists in this sucky season where nobody will ever see it again.  But this episode has The Falconer with Donald doing blow in a casino instead of rescuing his friend from a coyote trap.  Will Forte also sells his own homemade sex tape on Update.  Amy visits the Plastic Surgeon and is encouraged to get beach ball sized boobs.  The debut of Dr. Zinger, the second Tony Bennett Show, a sketch where Alec and Amy lament a recent one-night stand, Siegfried and Roy's return to performing after a tiger attack, and Scheinwald Studios aren't exactly the best way to spend a Saturday evening but there a hell of a lot better than the average Season 29 episode.  You could be watching the Donald Trump, Christina Aguilera, or Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey episodes, so count yourself lucky.

#10

Season 32 Episode 5

Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Sketch Average: 2.9 Stars

Now that we’re in the top 10 let’s start with the good.  And this one is mostly good except for the first two sketches Britney’s Divorce and Saddam’s Defense Team which are pretty much the same sketch with a topical figure talking to their lawyers.  Oops, I started with the bad.  The rest of the show is good and it’s got 2 classics in Carpool where Alec and Kristen share an awkward commute to work and The Platinum Lounge where Alec and Steve Martin try to poison each other in a super exclusive club.  We get to spend A Moment With The Out-Of-Breath Jogger From 1992 and this has probably the best Tony Bennett Show where the real Tony Bennett shows up and later duets with Christina Aguilera.

#9

Season 22 Episode 14

Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner

Sketch Average: 2.9 Stars

Every recurring character who wasn’t in Alec’s Season 21 episode makes an appearance here.  We got The Roxbury Guys, Mary Katharine Gallagher, The Late Show, The Quiet Storm, Wong & Owens, Ex-Porn Stars, and Bill Brasky.  Not counting a filler piece at the end, there’s only one original sketch in the whole show.  But these are at least good outings for all these characters and Alec is having a ball being with them.  Howard Stern shows up on Update to pimp his new movie which is a waste of airtime but you get Tina Turner so that’s a fair trade.

#8

Season 15 Episode 18

Alec Baldwin / The B-52's

Sketch Average: 2.9 Stars

Who’s this little baby hosting SNL?  It’s Alec’s first episode and it’s a good one, especially if you’re a Jan Hooks fan.  She gets to show off some serious acting chops in Diner where she plays a waitress who’s gruff to a single customer and The Garbo I Knew where she plays Greta Garbo in her attempts to be left alone.  There’s also Greenhilly where everybody kisses each other, the debut of Middle Aged Man, and The Nude Talk Show.  The only stinker is a Phil and Nora piece called Only In New York but the Comedy Central rerun that’s online cuts that out anyway.

#7

Season 16 Episode 14

Alec Baldwin / Whitney Houston

Sketch Average: 3 Stars

This one starts with one of my favorite cold opens in The McLaughlin Group, I could watch Dana ask random questions all day.  This is a fairly average episode with everything being equally enjoyable.  You got Tim Meadows coaching Alec in love as a black Cyrano De Bergerac, Julia Sweeney swooning over her priest during Reconciliation, The Sinead O’Connor Awards which has some fun impressions, the debuts of I’m Chillin’ and Lank Thompson, Handsome Actor, and Whitney Houston.  The only dud is The Godfather Part IV which is a super long and unfunny sketch involving Michael Corleone in space.

#6

Season 26 Episode 16

Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Sketch Average: 3.1 Stars

Another fairly average episode but with some high points that make it stand out.  The return of Pete Schwetty on The Delicious Dish, this time promoting his tasty wieners, Charles Nelson Reilly on Inside The Actors Studio, and Alec as a Tough Guy rescuing Chinese hostages.   The back half is just okay but you can probably blame Kid Rock for ruining the momentum during his Update bit with David Spade to promote Joe Dirt.

#5

Season 24 Episode 9

Alec Baldwin / Luciano Pavarotti / Vanessa Williams

Sketch Average: 3.3 Stars

Now we’re in the top 5 and I’m gonna say these are all great.  This one’s got Schwetty Balls but that’s not the best sketch of the night.  That honor goes to Children’s Clown where Molly…you know what?  If you haven’t seen it just go and watch it now.  I’ll wait.  The Christmas Carol inspired monologue is fun as well as the fake commercial for 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22.  We get another visit with Bill Brasky and The Harlem Globetrotters First Christmas.  A weak cold open, Morning Latte, and late political material hold it back from classic but this one is a winner.

#4

Season 18 Episode 13

Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney

Sketch Average: 3.4 Stars

I thought this was gonna be #1 for sure but looking at the next 3, I can’t argue with my original sketch average.  This is a classic.  I’ll even forgive The GAP Girls when you give me The Mimic, Paul McCartney on The Chris Farley Show, Cluckin’ Chicken, Naked Women Theatre, Red Hooded Sweatshirt, and Paul McCartney!

#3

Season 31 Episode 8

Alec Baldwin / Shakira

Sketch Average: 3.6 Stars

This one is just fun.  There’s a very silly tone throughout, take Hot Dog Family for example where Alec fucks a hot dog and has hot dog children.  Or Face Transplant with Alec repeatedly putting his wife in a coma until she gets a face she likes.  Or Elf Motivation which turns Santa’s workshop into Glengarry Glen Ross.  How about Tylenol BM or Celebrity Mugshot Poker?  Then there’s my beloved and misunderstood Carol!.  Only downside is an overly long The O’Reilly Factor in the middle.  Plus this episode has Shakira hypnotizing me with her truthful hips.

#2

Season 20 Episode 8

Alec Baldwin / Beastie Boys

Sketch Average: 3.8 Stars

You read that right, Alec’s Season 20 episode ranks #2.  This season holds a special place in my heart.  First one I covered for this blog but also the first one I stayed up to watch live, taping episodes if I thought I’d fall asleep.  I even like the juvenile Season 20 stuff in this one like L.A. Breast And Penis and Rookie Cop.  There’s good stuff like No Santa For Christmas, Japanese Game Show, and Celebrity Auction.  The monologue is a fun apology for Canteen Boy.  And there’s Bad Stripper which is my favorite oddball Chris Elliott sketch of the season.  It’s an all around fun and silly episode where everything works at least a little.  Best part may be no desk pieces on Update, just 5 minutes of Norm.  Kwapi surpee nee coo indeed.

#1

Season 37 Episode 1

Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Sketch Average: 4.2 Stars

Alec officially breaks Steve Martin’s record and starts Season 37 off with a bang.  Everything works in this one.  There wasn’t a sketch I gave less than 4 stars.  There’s Who’s On Top?, a smart game about gay sex.  All My Children Wrap Party where the entire cast gets to do their best soap opera acting.  Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVD where the cast shows off some impressions.  Kristen getting spiders on her face on the news, Nasim lashing out at her Child Psychologist father, and we end with Angels In The Trenches where dying soldiers relay their final wishes.  A top to bottom great episode.

Total Sketch Average

2.95 Stars