"Would you like to be with me in a sexual way?"
Cold Open: Press Conference
2 Stars
Kobe Bryant's wife plans to make his life a living hell
Kobe Bryant and his wife are getting ready to give a press conference. Kobe is on trial for rape and his wife is standing by his side. As soon as his lawyer leaves though she drops the demure act and goes off on his ass. She screams and yells and tells him he's never gonna have sex again and he better be bringing home diamonds nightly. She threatens to chop his dick off and basically insinuates that he is going to be a whipped man for the rest of his life. This only works because of Maya's performance. She is selling this hard and that part of the sketch worked for me. Finesse plays Kobe and I can't tell exactly how they did it but they gave him fake legs to make him look taller. They never really focus on it so it got me wondering what the point was. Kobe tries to say "Live from New York..." but Maya puts a stop to that and says it herself.
Halle Berry Monologue
Kobe Bryant and his wife are getting ready to give a press conference. Kobe is on trial for rape and his wife is standing by his side. As soon as his lawyer leaves though she drops the demure act and goes off on his ass. She screams and yells and tells him he's never gonna have sex again and he better be bringing home diamonds nightly. She threatens to chop his dick off and basically insinuates that he is going to be a whipped man for the rest of his life. This only works because of Maya's performance. She is selling this hard and that part of the sketch worked for me. Finesse plays Kobe and I can't tell exactly how they did it but they gave him fake legs to make him look taller. They never really focus on it so it got me wondering what the point was. Kobe tries to say "Live from New York..." but Maya puts a stop to that and says it herself.
Halle Berry Monologue
2 Stars
Lorne tries to convince Halle and Britney Spears to kiss
Halle mentions that she has only been on live TV twice, once when she was winning her Oscar and the other time when she was presenting an Oscar to Adrien Brody and he kissed her by surprise. Then we cut to backstage where Lorne is with tonight's musical guest Britney Spears and he is trying to talk her into kissing Halle on the show. Britney doesn't want to do it after all the hoopla that followed the time she kissed Madonna on the VMAs. Jimmy is on board with the two girls kissing plan, Tina thinks it's played out but is quickly silenced. Halle comes backstage and wants to know why the cameras cut away from her. Lorne tries to get them to kiss by bribing them with a $100 check to their favorite charity but they still refuse. He tells them to just go on stage and see what happens. They both return to the stage and while they don't mind kissing each other, they are concerned about what the tabloids will say about it. They say that maybe they'll do it after Britney's first song if we want it bad enough. Not a bad idea and I liked seeing Lorne acting like a real sleazeball but neither Halle or Britney seemed all that comfortable or funny during this.
Gaystrogen
Halle mentions that she has only been on live TV twice, once when she was winning her Oscar and the other time when she was presenting an Oscar to Adrien Brody and he kissed her by surprise. Then we cut to backstage where Lorne is with tonight's musical guest Britney Spears and he is trying to talk her into kissing Halle on the show. Britney doesn't want to do it after all the hoopla that followed the time she kissed Madonna on the VMAs. Jimmy is on board with the two girls kissing plan, Tina thinks it's played out but is quickly silenced. Halle comes backstage and wants to know why the cameras cut away from her. Lorne tries to get them to kiss by bribing them with a $100 check to their favorite charity but they still refuse. He tells them to just go on stage and see what happens. They both return to the stage and while they don't mind kissing each other, they are concerned about what the tabloids will say about it. They say that maybe they'll do it after Britney's first song if we want it bad enough. Not a bad idea and I liked seeing Lorne acting like a real sleazeball but neither Halle or Britney seemed all that comfortable or funny during this.
Gaystrogen
3 Stars
A medicine to make you gayer
Fred and Chris are playing a gay couple and Fred seems to have lost interest in their relationship. He thinks they have enough tourqoise, doesn't care about Gilmore Girls and refuses to go over paint color selections. Turns out that he's suffering from "queer loss" but with Gaystrogen he goes from drab back to fab. It ends with Fred and Chris kissing which gets an audible reaction from the audience. This was fine but I felt it should have been funnier.
The Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular
Fred and Chris are playing a gay couple and Fred seems to have lost interest in their relationship. He thinks they have enough tourqoise, doesn't care about Gilmore Girls and refuses to go over paint color selections. Turns out that he's suffering from "queer loss" but with Gaystrogen he goes from drab back to fab. It ends with Fred and Chris kissing which gets an audible reaction from the audience. This was fine but I felt it should have been funnier.
The Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular
2 Stars
Yankees coach, Don Zimmer is easily angered
This one definitely needs some context. During a Yankees and Red Sox game, a fight erupted. 72 year old Yankees coach Don Zimmer charged Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez which resulted in Pedro grabbing his head and sort of gently guiding him to the ground. They played it a lot on ESPN at the time. Here's a picture but if you haven't seen it, look it up on YouTube.
So, in this sketch Horatio plays Zimmer and he's interviewing sports figures. His first guest is Pete Rose who makes fun of the incident resulting in Zimmer getting mad, charging Pete and recreating the incident. His next guest is Bob Costas and guess what happens? Bob makes Zimmer mad, he charges and falls down. Next guest is Halle as the Red Sox ball girl, he gets mad, charges, falls down. Horatio plays Zimmer like Curly from The Three Stooges and the first time he did the bit I laughed. The second and third time, not too much and the sketch had absolutely no ending.
Versace Halloween
This one definitely needs some context. During a Yankees and Red Sox game, a fight erupted. 72 year old Yankees coach Don Zimmer charged Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez which resulted in Pedro grabbing his head and sort of gently guiding him to the ground. They played it a lot on ESPN at the time. Here's a picture but if you haven't seen it, look it up on YouTube.
So, in this sketch Horatio plays Zimmer and he's interviewing sports figures. His first guest is Pete Rose who makes fun of the incident resulting in Zimmer getting mad, charging Pete and recreating the incident. His next guest is Bob Costas and guess what happens? Bob makes Zimmer mad, he charges and falls down. Next guest is Halle as the Red Sox ball girl, he gets mad, charges, falls down. Horatio plays Zimmer like Curly from The Three Stooges and the first time he did the bit I laughed. The second and third time, not too much and the sketch had absolutely no ending.
Versace Halloween
2 Stars
Donatella Versace has some friends over for Halloween
This is a bit I would see a lot during my casual SNL watching days. It seems like every time I would tune in, I would see this, not understand it, not like it and think SNL had lost steam. First off, I have no idea who Donatella Versace is. I mean, I have a vague knowledge that she exists but nowhere near enough familiarity to be able to pick up on anything about her that would make this sketch work for me. She's hosting a Halloween party and her guests include Naomi Campbell who throws phones and Elton John who TP'd her yard with used toilet paper. She passes out Ambien and cigarettes to kids trick or treating. I have very little to say about this.
tel-e-link
This is a bit I would see a lot during my casual SNL watching days. It seems like every time I would tune in, I would see this, not understand it, not like it and think SNL had lost steam. First off, I have no idea who Donatella Versace is. I mean, I have a vague knowledge that she exists but nowhere near enough familiarity to be able to pick up on anything about her that would make this sketch work for me. She's hosting a Halloween party and her guests include Naomi Campbell who throws phones and Elton John who TP'd her yard with used toilet paper. She passes out Ambien and cigarettes to kids trick or treating. I have very little to say about this.
tel-e-link
2 Stars
A complicated phone plan made simple
Jeff is talking about his phone company very quickly and using a lot of made up technical gibberish, like optimal trunking. At the same time he's saying how simple the plan is. This took me two watches to get the joke. I think the flaw is that it's filmed too well. The talking heads and their line deliveries perfectly captured a cell phone company commercial. If it weren't for that fact that I know these are all SNL cast members I would probably think it was real. I could use a phone plan with integrated synchronetic network freudensturt.
Quick Ones
Jeff is talking about his phone company very quickly and using a lot of made up technical gibberish, like optimal trunking. At the same time he's saying how simple the plan is. This took me two watches to get the joke. I think the flaw is that it's filmed too well. The talking heads and their line deliveries perfectly captured a cell phone company commercial. If it weren't for that fact that I know these are all SNL cast members I would probably think it was real. I could use a phone plan with integrated synchronetic network freudensturt.
Quick Ones
2 Stars
A orgasm pill for people on the go
Halle is stuck at work and lamenting the fact that she doesn't have time for her boyfriend and could really use a night of intimacy. Amy asks her if she's heard of Quick Ones, a chewable tablet that will deliver a natural sexual climax in seconds. She takes on and very deadpan has an orgasm saying things like "oh yeah" and "really great". Halle takes one and does the same thing then Will comes out and takes one.
"Hey, this is great. Really great. It's happening. Wheee! All done. Back to the old grind stone."
Then the boss comes out to tell them to get to a meeting, Halle says that they're "coming" and I have never seen such a half hearted delivery of a punchline. Not sure why this wasn't pre-filmed, seems like they could have had a lot more fun with this.
Japanese Steak House
Halle is stuck at work and lamenting the fact that she doesn't have time for her boyfriend and could really use a night of intimacy. Amy asks her if she's heard of Quick Ones, a chewable tablet that will deliver a natural sexual climax in seconds. She takes on and very deadpan has an orgasm saying things like "oh yeah" and "really great". Halle takes one and does the same thing then Will comes out and takes one.
"Hey, this is great. Really great. It's happening. Wheee! All done. Back to the old grind stone."
Then the boss comes out to tell them to get to a meeting, Halle says that they're "coming" and I have never seen such a half hearted delivery of a punchline. Not sure why this wasn't pre-filmed, seems like they could have had a lot more fun with this.
Japanese Steak House
2 Stars
Starkisha celebrates her birthday at a Japanese steak house
2 episodes ago, Finesse introduced us to Starkisha in a Weekend Update bit and this week we get to see her in the flesh. It's her birthday and her and her friends, Frerejaque and Appreciante are waiting for a table at Red Lobster so they are sitting in the Japanese steak house until their beeper goes off. They all have comically bad manners, screaming for shrimp, washing their legs with the hot towels, doing cheers and putting chopsticks in their hair. Wasn't a big fan of this but I did get a kick out of Chris asking Kenan to ask his friends to be quiet.
"Why they gotta be my friends? Hey man, I came with you."
"That's right. Too much sake. I'm sorry, Jerry."
The Sunday National Enquirer
2 episodes ago, Finesse introduced us to Starkisha in a Weekend Update bit and this week we get to see her in the flesh. It's her birthday and her and her friends, Frerejaque and Appreciante are waiting for a table at Red Lobster so they are sitting in the Japanese steak house until their beeper goes off. They all have comically bad manners, screaming for shrimp, washing their legs with the hot towels, doing cheers and putting chopsticks in their hair. Wasn't a big fan of this but I did get a kick out of Chris asking Kenan to ask his friends to be quiet.
"Why they gotta be my friends? Hey man, I came with you."
"That's right. Too much sake. I'm sorry, Jerry."
The Sunday National Enquirer
2 Stars
Get the Enquirer delivered for all the hard hitting news
I’m not sure what the joke here is other than the fact that The National Enquirer is not a reputable paper. Seemingly educated people are seen enjoying it and treating it like it’s a legitimate source of news. But much like tel-e-link it feels like this could be an actual commercial. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Enquirer would want to be advertised in a tongue in cheek fashion. Highlights of the paper include Celebrity Autopsy Files, OJ Watch, Who’s Gay and Famous Drug Abusers. I think this is supposed to be an exaggeration but I would expect those sections to be in the actual paper.
I’m not sure what the joke here is other than the fact that The National Enquirer is not a reputable paper. Seemingly educated people are seen enjoying it and treating it like it’s a legitimate source of news. But much like tel-e-link it feels like this could be an actual commercial. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Enquirer would want to be advertised in a tongue in cheek fashion. Highlights of the paper include Celebrity Autopsy Files, OJ Watch, Who’s Gay and Famous Drug Abusers. I think this is supposed to be an exaggeration but I would expect those sections to be in the actual paper.
Britney Spears
"Me Against The Music"
Britney’s career and popularity always confused me. She was so much about sex appeal but I would never describe her music as sexy. There’s just a silliness to this. When Madonna is performing like this I believe her. When Britney is doing it, it feels like a 10 year old talking about how much he gets laid. The other thing I never understood is how sex sells music. Who’s buying an album of garbage music because the person’s hot? Also, we get no kiss that we were promised.
Weekend Update
“It had a street value of 5 milks and a cupcake”
I’m gonna quickly run out of things to say about Weekend Update so I’ll just make note of my favorite and least favorite joke. My favorite was about the first openly gay fraternity and how it would be just like every other fraternity with just slightly more gay sex. My least favorite goes to the confusingly racist footage of a Chinese space program. A clip of Chinese gymnasts jumping around is dubbed over with Chinese accents.
Native American stand up comedian Billy Smith drops by to deliver some jokes. He wonders what the deal is with the food on the flying mechanical bird and says it hasn’t been this hot since the ceremony of 1,000 fires. A bit culturally insensitive but the joke was never on Native Americans but hack stand up comedians.
Bart Swerski shows up to talk about the Chicago Cubs losing their playoff game. He does not like the concept of a curse though as one can not be cursed when you reside in a town of such delicious meats. He is soon joined by Bob Swerski who was just at church praying that they found that guy in the crowd who interfered with a foul ball. Things fall off the rails pretty quickly as Jimmy starts laughing, Horatio starts laughing, Jimmy chugs a beer, George chugs a beer and for some reason the two super fans rip off their shirts to reveal sparkly tops as they sing All That Jazz. Not sure what the hell this was.
The Best Of Klymaxx
Bart Swerski shows up to talk about the Chicago Cubs losing their playoff game. He does not like the concept of a curse though as one can not be cursed when you reside in a town of such delicious meats. He is soon joined by Bob Swerski who was just at church praying that they found that guy in the crowd who interfered with a foul ball. Things fall off the rails pretty quickly as Jimmy starts laughing, Horatio starts laughing, Jimmy chugs a beer, George chugs a beer and for some reason the two super fans rip off their shirts to reveal sparkly tops as they sing All That Jazz. Not sure what the hell this was.
The Best Of Klymaxx
1 Star
A CD featuring only Klymaxx
For anyone keeping score at home, this is the 5th commercial parody tonight. Seth plays Joey Lawrence and he offers us a CD compilation too good to pass up. It includes all your favorite artists from the 80s. Unfortunately, since you have to get the artist's permission to put their songs on a CD, he can't really offer us that but he can give us The Best Of Klymaxx. I have no idea who Klymaxx was but apparently they were an all girl group who would talk sing a lot. Halle and the female cast and Kenan and Finesse in drag play a couple songs, none of them particularly funny, and then Seth and Fred comment on how bad they are. I'll pass on this and did I mention it's the 5th commercial parody of the night?
Brokaw Voicemail
For anyone keeping score at home, this is the 5th commercial parody tonight. Seth plays Joey Lawrence and he offers us a CD compilation too good to pass up. It includes all your favorite artists from the 80s. Unfortunately, since you have to get the artist's permission to put their songs on a CD, he can't really offer us that but he can give us The Best Of Klymaxx. I have no idea who Klymaxx was but apparently they were an all girl group who would talk sing a lot. Halle and the female cast and Kenan and Finesse in drag play a couple songs, none of them particularly funny, and then Seth and Fred comment on how bad they are. I'll pass on this and did I mention it's the 5th commercial parody of the night?
Brokaw Voicemail
1 Star
Tom Brokaw records a voicemail message for his makeup artist
Halle is finishing Tom Brokaw's makeup when she asks for a favor. She wants him to record the message on her answering machine. He accepts but she's unhappy with his performance. She wants him to do it more intense, then slower, then less angry, then less gay. Chris as Brokaw keeps repeating the same sentence over and over again and it's not a funny sentence so the only joke is him saying it more and more irate. Then it ends with an incredibly weak punchline. After all the screaming, Halle is finally satisfied with his message but there is no tape in her recorder. Wah wah wah.
Britney Spears returns to perform a ballad, Everytime. Didn't much care for this.
Ashford & Simpson
Halle is finishing Tom Brokaw's makeup when she asks for a favor. She wants him to record the message on her answering machine. He accepts but she's unhappy with his performance. She wants him to do it more intense, then slower, then less angry, then less gay. Chris as Brokaw keeps repeating the same sentence over and over again and it's not a funny sentence so the only joke is him saying it more and more irate. Then it ends with an incredibly weak punchline. After all the screaming, Halle is finally satisfied with his message but there is no tape in her recorder. Wah wah wah.
Britney Spears returns to perform a ballad, Everytime. Didn't much care for this.
Ashford & Simpson
1 Star
A woman gets really excited when she sees her favorite band
Finesse is taking Halle out to celebrate her birthday and he has a big surprise in store, a private concert from Ashford & Simpson. Man, after Klymaxx I thought the obscure musical references were over for the night. Kenan and Maya uncomfortably sing Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing. Kenan, who has proven himself a fine singer in future sketches, comes off tone def here. Halle gets too excited and ends up running on stage and grabbing Kenan, which upsets Maya who threatens her. Ashford and Simpson say they are going to leave but Finesse reminds them that he has yet to pay them the $300 and they launch into Solid As A Rock. Not much to say about this other than that I did not enjoy it.
Speed Reader
Finesse is taking Halle out to celebrate her birthday and he has a big surprise in store, a private concert from Ashford & Simpson. Man, after Klymaxx I thought the obscure musical references were over for the night. Kenan and Maya uncomfortably sing Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing. Kenan, who has proven himself a fine singer in future sketches, comes off tone def here. Halle gets too excited and ends up running on stage and grabbing Kenan, which upsets Maya who threatens her. Ashford and Simpson say they are going to leave but Finesse reminds them that he has yet to pay them the $300 and they launch into Solid As A Rock. Not much to say about this other than that I did not enjoy it.
Speed Reader
2 Stars
A speed reader hits on a woman at a barWill hits on Halle at a bar and tells her that he's a speed reader. He asks her out and says he'll take her answer after he reads a Humphrey Bogart biography. He reads the bible and the dictionary before Halle finally accepts his offer.
"Let's do this thing."
"We just did. Twice. Yeah, I am that fast and don't worry, was good for me too."
Not the strongest, actually pretty weak but sadly funnier than anything else in this episode.
FINAL ANALYSIS
"Since you can't top a bat flying out of my cooch, it looks like this party is over"
Average
1.8 Stars
MVP
Maya Rudolph
Press Conference, Versace Halloween, tel-e-link, Japanese Steak House, The Best Of Klymaxx, Ashford & Simpson
Press Conference, Versace Halloween, tel-e-link, Japanese Steak House, The Best Of Klymaxx, Ashford & Simpson
Best Sketch
The Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular (I guess?)
Worst Sketch
The Best Of Klymaxx
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
Too many commercial parodies and nothing after Update. So, let's save some of those pre-taped bits for later episodes and write some sketches. This is where I try to fix the show by reordering the sketches but since I don't want to see any of these again, I don't think the placement will help. Not to be a perv, but where was that kiss? Not saying I wanted it but it seemed like they were setting up a runner during the monologue that never happened.
Host Analysis
Host Analysis
In Halle Berry's defense, the sketches this episode were all pretty weak but she was also. I don't think someone with better comic timing could have saved half of these sketches but I still can't overlook the fact that Halle seemed completely out of her element.
Final Thoughts
Looking at the sketch average this is just a notch above the Deion Sanders from season 20, one of the worst episode I've ever seen. There was just nothing good here and while nothing angered me (like it did in the Deion Sanders episode) nothing made me smile. This was just a real bummer to watch, one of the worst I've seen doing these recaps.
Up Next
Up Next
Things don't look too promising for a step up as next episode we get Kelly Ripa. At least musical guest Outkast sounds like a step up from Britney.
Everything looks so dated here and half assed the Samberg,Wiig,Hader and Sudekis era can not come enough
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