Saturday Night Live Season 16 Reviews - Episode 18 - Steven Seagal / Michael Bolton

"If you ask me this whole operation is one big wankathon"

Precursor
Before I watch the episode I wanted to say that I have never seen this one.  It's supposedly a bad one (judging by the last couple, that doesn't surprise me) but it is suppose to be exceptionally bad due to Steven Seagal who is, according to Lorne Michaels, "the biggest jerk to ever host the show".  I'm excited to watch, not because I hope it's bad but because I've been getting bored with mediocrity so hopefully a real crap show with a crazy action star at the helm will break up the monotony.

Cold Open: Pumping Up With Hans And Franz

3 Stars

Steven beats up Hans and Franz

Hans and Franz set the record straight about their steroid use, they take them.  Then the conversation turns to their cousin Arnold and his big summer movie coming out.  They think that Arnold is the biggest and best action star and it would be laughable to compare him to anyone else.  Out comes Steven Seagal who couldn't help overhearing their conversation.  Steven says he practices Zen and would like to hold out his little finger and let them push on it.  They do but his baby finger proves to strong for them.  So far, so so.  I thought Steven was fine in this sketch.  The idea was a little hokey but so is every Hans and Franz sketch at this point.

Steven Seagal Monologue

3 Stars

Steven sings a song

Steven rattles off his filmography and promotes his current film which is number 1 at the box office before saying that there is more to him than just martial arts.  He would like to sing us a song so he picks up a guitar and starts singing "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas.  Sing is a bit of a stretch as he's basically just reciting the lyrics in a non-musical way but I kinda liked this.  I'm not saying this is particularly good but it's average and just fine and I'm enjoying the episode so far.

Rerun of Winston-McCauley Funeral Home

Tenelli: One Man Army

 

2 Stars

Steven beats up Richmeister

Steven is getting berated by his police chief for his reckless behavior and is forced to turn in his gun and his badge.  As he leaves the office he is handed a stack of paperwork and walks into another room to...make some copies.  That's right, this sketch that had a title card about a renegade cop is really just another Richmeister sketch.  Rich gives Officer Tenelli some nicknames until his patience wears thin and he slams Rich's head into the copy machine and dangles him out the window.  Then just like the last Richmeister sketch there is absolutely no ending.  We just fade out and pan over to G.E. Smith.  I'm starting to see the cracks, Seagal was having a heck of a difficult time with the cue cards in this sketch and the joke was exactly the same as the cold open.  Seagal beats up an SNL character and acts all bad ass.  Although, I did get a chuckle when he slammed Schneider's head into that copier.

All Star Celebrity Tribute

4 Stars

A tribute to one particular soldier

NBC has started giving individual tributes to each soldier who served in the Persian Gulf war and this one is to celebrate Private First Class Reginald Addams.  Tom Selleck and Barbara Mandrell bring out the man of honor and ask him how he's feeling.  He says that his is honored because there were so many soldiers who served longer but as the song goes, "Every single soldier is a hero.  Every single one deserves a cheer-o".  We get a message from President Bush via satellite that is obviously pre-recorded as it cuts to different footage whenever he says something that specifically applies to Addams.  Charlton Heston reads a letter that Addams sent to a friend from battle that just details how horny he is and how much masturbating he's doing.  The prince of Kuwait dedicates a stone in his Jacuzzi to Addams.  Tony Orlands sings 'Tie A Yellow Ribbon Around Private Reginald Addams'.  This was terrific but a bit long.  It probably could have cut out Rob Schneider as the Kuwaiti prince and shortened Mike as Tony Orlando.  I could hear Phil Hartman as Charlton Heston talk about jerking it for an entire episode though.

The Dark Side

3 Stars

Nat interviews Andrew Dice Clay

Nat reads some viewer mail from a fan who wants to know what he does to relax.  He goes bowling because he loves throwing a big black ball into 10 white pins with red necks.  We get a top 5 list of reasons the LAPD beat up Rodney King, my favorite was that they were upset about the portrayal of white people on In Living Color.  Then Seagal comes out as Andrew Dice Clay and he's actually pretty funny here.  I mean, not in a he's trying to be funny and succeeding way but in that you put an unfunny person in a stupid wig and they accidentally come off as humorous kind of way.  Nat gives Dice a hard time about The Adventures Of For Fairlane bombing and then tells him he'll put his black foot up his white ass.  I like Nat X but there was absolutely nothing new here.  This was a carbon copy of the last time we saw him.

We get a Deep Thoughts about how fun it would be to see a nude opera.  You could probably really see those high notes in those genitals.

Michael Bolton
"Love Is A Wonderful Thing"

I felt really lame for loving this.  Hey Michael, those pants high enough?

Weekend Update

"Senator Ted Kennedy came down from a second floor sex party to answer questions about the Palm Beach sex story"

We get more jokes about the Kitty Kelley book about Nancy Reagan and the Kennedy sex scandal at Palm Beach.  All the topical sketches from last week make sense now.

Mr. Subliminal reports on the Nancy Reagan biography and thinks it's a piece of trash (Pulitzer) and feels that it's a travesty that Kitty Kelley could spread lies about Nancy (slut).  This puts the former first lady in an odd position (doggy style) and very little off the book is true (100%).  He would never recommend it (see the movie).

Adam Sandler gets his first desk piece outside of Iraqi Pete as a travel correspondent.  SNL sent him to Greece to see if it is a good place for viewers to go.  He stayed at the Sheridan downtown from the Acropolis and can report that it had a color TV, two twin beds, a mini fridge and a phone next to the toilet.  He liked jumping on the bed and making a paratrooper out of the shampoo and shower cap he found in the bathroom.  He also enjoyed watching Bull Durham and MacGyver on TV.

Musicians For Free-Range Chickens

4 Stars

A rock and roll celebration for free-range chickens

Casey Kasem introduces a good song for a good cause.  A group of celebrity musicians have banded together to record a song advocating that all chickens be free range.  I’m not sure if this was a topical comment on something because it’s about 5 years late for a We Are The World parody.  The show did this a couple of times, once for peace, once to explain Whitewater and once to ask Michael Jordan to return to basketball.  It’s just an excuse to trot out some impressions, some that are purely physical like Farley’s Carnie Wilson, Tim’s Lenny Kravitz and Spade’s Tom Petty.  The funniest ones here are Dana’s Bob Dylan and Sandler’s Axl Rose.  The others, Phil’s Kenny Rogers, Victoria’s Cyndi Lauper, Mike’s Mick Jagger and Jan’s Diana Ross were just okay.  Michael Bolton plays himself and the song’s actually kinda catchy.  I caught myself singing it in the car a couple times.  One minor quibble, there wasn’t anyone else Jan could have played other than Diana Ross?  Someone white maybe?

One more Deep Thoughts about how it's funny when something screeches across a room and latches on a guy's neck and he screams and tries to get it off.  I mean, what is that thing?

Daddy's Girl

1 Star

A protective father confronts his daughter's date

This is the first sketch that failed pretty much solely because of Seagal.  Although, none of the lines were particularly funny so I can’t imagine anyone succeeding in this one.  Farley comes to pick up his date but before she comes down to meet him he has to make small talk with her threatening father.  Seagal is so slow with his delivery that it kills all the pacing.  He first admires Farley’s car and watch (that way he won’t have car trouble or lose track of time tonight) before subtly hitting that he used to be a government assassin.  Farley agrees to have the girl home by 9:30 and Seagal says that he’ll be here waiting.  So, an unfunny sketch.  There’s not a real joke to be found in here and Seagal is horribly unfunny delivering all his lines.  It’s pretty much the opposite of funny and the worst idea for this episode.  I’m guessing they thought, Steven Seagal plays intimidating character let’s have him play to his strengths by playing a scary dad.  But that’s what you would expect, there’s no exaggeration here.  If I pick up a girl and her dad is a 40 year old man with a ponytail, I’m gonna expect him to threaten me and be an ass.  This sketch would only work with someone you wouldn’t expect to act imposing.  If they did this sketch during the Steinbrenner episode, maybe.  I would probably laugh if George Steinbrenner ripped open his shirt to reveal a navy tattoo.  Seagal does it and it’s just not amusing at all.

Michael Bolton returns with "Time, Love & Tenderness" and once again I am embarrassed to say that I liked this.

Brace Steele, Greenpeace Photographer

4 Stars

A peaceful Greenpeace photographer gets pushed too far

This sketch had a strong middle that overcame a weak beginning.  We start with Asian Mike Myers, so bad start.  I don’t know why he had to be Asian, I guess just because they have funny voices.  He’s a wise old man who teaches Seagal to not give into his anger.  Now on a path of nonviolence he becomes Brace Steele, Greenleace photographer.  While spying on an Exxon board meeting he sees a group of executives plotting another oil spill.  It will carried out by frogmen who will be assassinated afterwards to ensure they won’t talk, the assassins will also be murdered in a mysterious forest fire to ensure their silence.  President George Bush calls them just to remind them that he is at their complete disposal.  Steele breaks in and tells them all that he has photographic evidence that this meeting took place and he’s going straight to the authorities.  They say that they’ll just say they were talking about non-evil things and the only crime here is trespassing on Steele’s part.  The executives all take turns slapping Seagal in the face while Asian Mike Myers’s voice reminds him of his pledge of pacifism.  The next day they are still slapping him but Phil has to take a break to take a call from a judge who says that the fine for the last oil spill has been reduced to $160. This is apparently the last straw for Steele as he starts throwing the businessmen through tables and walls.  After each executive is disposed of he turns to the camera and says,
“This is what happens when you pollute the planet.”
There was a lot of funny here, the repeated slapping of Steven Seagal and Exxon’s nefarious plan were both hilarious.  But it had to overcome Myers’s offensive caricature and then ended weak with a Seagal fight which we’ve already seen twice this episode.

FINAL ANALYSIS

"Tune in next week for Stupid White People Tricks"

Average

3 Stars

MVP

Phil Hartman
Winston-McCauley Funeral Home, Tenelli: One Man Army, All Star Celebrity Tribute, Musicians For Free-Range Chickens, Brace Steele: Greenpeace Photographer

Best Sketch

All Star Celebrity Tribute

Worst Sketch

Daddy’s Girl

How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It

I’m actually going to leave this one alone.  I’m not saying it’s perfect by any means but the placement of the sketches is about as good as you can do.  Daddy’s Girl was an absolute train wreck of comedy but it would have been far worse has it been anywhere else in the show.  We hadn’t seen Steven in a while, it was after Bolton, Update and Free Range Chickens which he wasn’t in.  So we kind of forget how awful he was but then Greenpeace Photographer brought the show back up to even.

Host Analysis

He may have been a nightmare behind the scenes but that's not apparent in the episode.  What is apparent is that this guy is one of the worst actors to ever host.  I mean, this guy was terrible.  If I had no idea who he was I would have probably thought he was an athlete just based on his line delivery.  You would have a hard time convincing me that this guy was at one point in his career a high profile actor in films.  If you told me that English was his second language and this was his first time in America, I would believe that easier.
Final Thoughts

Nothing good in this episode can be attributed to Steven Seagal, let’s get that out of the way right off the bat.  Everything around him though was really good tonight.  This was a notch above the last few episodes in quality and one of the more enjoyable episodes of the season.  I would rather watch this episode again over the Jeremy Irons, Jimmy Smits, Susan Lucci or even Michael J. Fox episodes.  So to sum up, Steven Seagal was a terrible host but he couldn’t solely derail a strong episode.  There’s really only one sketch that he flat out ruined but that sketch didn’t have much going for it anyway.  Maybe it benefited from low expectations but I found myself really enjoying this one.
Up Next

Designing Women star Delta Burke hosts with musical guest Chris Isaak.  I know very little about Ms. Burke so I can’t really expect anything.  I know she was the star of a sitcom I didn’t watch, she was married to Major Dad and she played Mrs. Claus in the live action TV adaptation of The Year Without A Santa Claus starring fellow season 16 host John Goodman.