"I hope you get sexy again real soon."
Cold Open: The New Charlie's Angels
2 Stars
Charlie's Angels are targeting politicians
Jessica Hahn (the woman who accused Jim Bakker of rape), Fawn Hall (Oliver North's secretary) and Donna Rice (the woman spotted with Gary Hart) are all being congratulated by Bosley on a job well done. Gary Hart's political ambitions are ruined and Pat Robertson and George Bush are next. We find out that 'Charlie' is actually Ted Kennedy trying to eliminate the competition. The newest angel, Chase Steele (played by Harmon) enters and says that he is busy working on Jack Kemp and Bob Dole. Since Dole is a pretty straight arrow he's going after his wife and promises to have her screaming "Live from New York...". The idea here was fun but they could have done more with it. Adding Harmon in at the end was superfluous.
Mark Harmon Monologue
Jessica Hahn (the woman who accused Jim Bakker of rape), Fawn Hall (Oliver North's secretary) and Donna Rice (the woman spotted with Gary Hart) are all being congratulated by Bosley on a job well done. Gary Hart's political ambitions are ruined and Pat Robertson and George Bush are next. We find out that 'Charlie' is actually Ted Kennedy trying to eliminate the competition. The newest angel, Chase Steele (played by Harmon) enters and says that he is busy working on Jack Kemp and Bob Dole. Since Dole is a pretty straight arrow he's going after his wife and promises to have her screaming "Live from New York...". The idea here was fun but they could have done more with it. Adding Harmon in at the end was superfluous.
Mark Harmon Monologue
Not a rateable monologue as it's really just a lead in to the first sketch. Harmon comes out wearing just a towel and says that he has been fighting with producers all week about his wardrobe. He won and got to come out in a towel. He says that he has felt sexually objectified ever since he was named People's Sexiest Man Alive and we flashback to the pageant where it was made official...
The Sexiest Man Alive 1986
4 Stars
Harmon competes with F. Murray Abraham in the Sexiest Man Alive finals
Phil comes out as Peter Graves and explains the rules to contest.
"All of our contestants are graded in 5 categories, butt, buns, talent, vulnerability and rear end."
Pat Stevens shows up as the color commentator, speaking of color, her blue dress starts bleeding through the chroma key. Dana comes in as John Travolta, the original sexiest man alive, and is confused over whether or not he is still sexy. Then we get to our two finalists, Mark Harmon is introduced as what sex is all about and his main competition is Jon Lovitz as Oscar winner F. Murray Abraham. He pulls his speedo out off his butt while Graves and Stevens describe his look as downright unattractive. The judges deliver their decision very quickly and declare Mark the winner. This had a very silly edge to it that I ate up.
Very Smart Theater
"All of our contestants are graded in 5 categories, butt, buns, talent, vulnerability and rear end."
Pat Stevens shows up as the color commentator, speaking of color, her blue dress starts bleeding through the chroma key. Dana comes in as John Travolta, the original sexiest man alive, and is confused over whether or not he is still sexy. Then we get to our two finalists, Mark Harmon is introduced as what sex is all about and his main competition is Jon Lovitz as Oscar winner F. Murray Abraham. He pulls his speedo out off his butt while Graves and Stevens describe his look as downright unattractive. The judges deliver their decision very quickly and declare Mark the winner. This had a very silly edge to it that I ate up.
Very Smart Theater
1 Star
Um... Atilla the Hun wants to sell mobiles?
So, Jon Lovitz introduces this very dramatically. We are about to see part 4 of Atilla the Hun: The Early Years on Very Smart Theater. I think I know what the joke is going to be. It's 'Very Smart' theater so this is gonna be dumb and juvenile or something. Instead, we see Hartman as Atilla's father passing the torch to his son, Atilla, played by Harmon. Mark says that he isn't ready to lead and runs off to a field. He starts singing a song about bluebirds. Well, I wasn't expecting that. His father finds him and they have a heart to heart. Atilla doesn't want to be the leader of the Huns, he wants to make mobiles, little hanging works of art. Atilla's father agrees to a showing of his artwork and if it goes well he can commit to being an artist. The next day all the Huns are gathered and while they like the mobiles they aren't buying them. What the shit was this?
Iran-Contra Hearings
2 Stars
The senators at the Iran-Contra hearings only want to talk about Gary HartHartman is being interviewed about what he knew and what the president knew about the Iran-Contra scandal. One of the senators wants to know the real issue, what does the president know about Gary Hart's affair with Donna Rice? One of the senators brings up the fact that Rice isn't even that attractive. Phil thinks she is and goes as far as to say that she is exactly his type. When reminded that he is under oath they show him pictures of Rice and his story still stands up. Before he leaves they ask him if he has anything more to say about Iran-Contra and he says he does but it's nothing too important. This was too slow to be right after a long and boring sketch. In fact, this should have been the cold open and seeing that it seems to have a rushed ending and Harmon wasn't in this but was in the cold open, probably was at some point.
Einstein Express
4 Stars
A package delivery service that specializes in time travel
Jon answers a phone call from his angry boss who says that he's missing a report that was due last week and he's fired. He goes to Einstein Express which using Einstein's Space Time Continuum theory is able to transport your packages back in time. It costs a little extra, $57 to be exact, which seems reasonable to me. The best gag is when Kevin Nealon needs to send his girlfriend her birth control pills 4 months ago. This felt akin to the Jiffy Express commercial that would come later. I would have added a coda where sending these packages backed caused a time riff that screwed up the future but this was still cute.
Suzanne Vega
Suzanne Vega
'Luka'
I always liked this song and though it was pleasant. This was not the most fun or interesting live performance but it was still nice.
Weekend Update
"Let's look over the facts: Sure he did, no doubt."
The big story of the week was Gary Hart who immediately lost his front runner status for the presidential nomination after he was found cavorting on a yacht with a woman who wasn't his wife. That dominates the first half of Update and then Miller gets a little silly. My favorite joke was on the absurd side. Orson Welles's ashes arrived in Spain which prompted George Steinbrenner to fire Lou Pinella. It makes absolutely no sense, which is why I like it.
I feel like I unfairly skimmed over A. Whitney Brown's last couple of desk pieces so I made sure to pay close attention this week. His subject tonight is refugees and he gives them one piece of advice. Sign up for the Columbia Record Club, you get 13 albums for $1.99 and you can get another 13 just by changing your address. He also says that the meek are going to inherit the Earth but we can just push them down and take it back, what are they gonna do? They're a bunch of meek.
Salmon Spawning
I feel like I unfairly skimmed over A. Whitney Brown's last couple of desk pieces so I made sure to pay close attention this week. His subject tonight is refugees and he gives them one piece of advice. Sign up for the Columbia Record Club, you get 13 albums for $1.99 and you can get another 13 just by changing your address. He also says that the meek are going to inherit the Earth but we can just push them down and take it back, what are they gonna do? They're a bunch of meek.
Salmon Spawning
1 Star
A salmon tries to pick up another salmon
Harmon and Victoria are in fish costumes ala Monty Python and The Meaning Of Life. Mark tries to pick her up because he's eager to spawn. They exchange pleasantries for a long time, I get really bored and then we get stock footage of a bear. Victoria gets scared so they decide to mate right there. This was just stupid.
Dave's Party
Dave's Party
3 Stars
Adults provide the voice over to a bunch of kids having a partyIn a sort of precursor to Pearl the Landlord, a bunch of kids are dressed up in suits as Phil and other members of the cast provide the narration. One of the kids is distraught because his girlfriend left him and she has just shown up at the same party, one of the kids is furiously calling his broker and hitting the juice pretty hard and another kid is hogging the bathroom combing his hair. One of the kids ask another for 10 grand to get back on his feet. This was cute but a little long. Once you get the joke it just keeps repeating.
Pet Chicken Shop
1 Star
Ching Change defends his sister's honorDid you know that chicken make lousy house pet? That may be the worst catchphrase ever. I'm surprised I never saw that printed on a T-shirt. I'm also surprised that this character keeps recurring in other episodes. So Ching Change is working in his chicken pet store and his sister, Loose Change, is getting ready for a date.
"I'm going out with Wang Wu."
"Who...wha?"
"No. I go out with him next week."
Cute, it's like Who's On First but racist. Mark Harmon comes in with Kevin and Jon dressed like a Chinese street gang. They slap Ching around and try to steal one of his chickens. Then we get a karate fight between the 4 of them. Once again, I can't believe I'm watching this. If you told me that in 1987, Dana Carvey dressed up a Chinese man and had a karate fight set to the score of West Side Story, I would probably not believe you but here we are.
Suzanne Vega returns to sing "Marlene On The Wall" which is more upbeat and toe tapping than the first song. I liked this a lot.
Myowling Bible
2 Stars
A bible designed for your cats
"Fortunate is the pussy cat that is introduced to the bible."
This is a colorful version of the gospel you can share with your cats. It even comes with a catnip bookmark. I'm not sure if there was a joke here that I was missing or if this was all it was supposed to be. At least it was quick.
Portrait Artist
This is a colorful version of the gospel you can share with your cats. It even comes with a catnip bookmark. I'm not sure if there was a joke here that I was missing or if this was all it was supposed to be. At least it was quick.
Portrait Artist
4 Stars
A caricature artist gets his first customer
Kevin is working as a caricature artist on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Victoria sits down and he tells her that she is his first customer, ever, he's never done this before but he's seen it done a lot. It's immediately obvious that he is not good at his job. He draws a big nose and asks her to put on glasses and a hat because he's not good with eyes and hair. He also moves her face around getting charcoal marks all over her. This was typical silly Kevin Nealon stuff. A fun way to end a pretty crappy episode.
According to SNL Archives I am missing a sketch called He's The One from my copy of this episode.
FINAL ANALYSIS
According to SNL Archives I am missing a sketch called He's The One from my copy of this episode.
FINAL ANALYSIS
"When man bully a chicken I don't just get mad, I go berserk"
Average
2.4 Stars
MVP
Kevin Nealon
Iran-Contra Hearings, Einstein Express, Salmon Spawning, Pet Chicken Shop, Portrait Artist
Iran-Contra Hearings, Einstein Express, Salmon Spawning, Pet Chicken Shop, Portrait Artist
Best Sketch
Portrait Artist
Worst Sketch
Very Smart Theater
Pet Chicken Shop was pretty racist and bad but Very Smart Theater takes worst honors because of length
Pet Chicken Shop was pretty racist and bad but Very Smart Theater takes worst honors because of length
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
First things first, the Iran-Contra Hearings is so obviously a cold open. It's short, topical and doesn't have an ending. It would have been perfect. Jon asks Phil if he has anything else to say, he turns to the camera and shouts, "Live from New York...". Next, and I hate that I'm saying this, make The New Charlie's Angels longer. It had an interesting premise but just fizzled out with a gay joke. I would have much rather seen the girls on a mission to coax some random politician into an affair. With that longer you either shorten or get rid of Very Smart Theater. As to what to do with Pet Chicken Shop? I have no idea.
Host Analysis
Meh. He didn't do much of anything for me. He started out affable and then quickly turned into a big lump of 'who cares'. He played handsome guy, handsome guy, handsome Atilla the Hun, handsome fish and handsome Chinese guy. A pretty big stretch.
Final Thoughts
I'm sure I've said this before about another episode this season but this was my least favorite so far. Nothing really worked here outside of the commercial parody and Nealon's bit at the end. When one of the highlights is Jon Lovitz pulling the underwear out of his ass crack you know it's probably not the greatest piece of television.
Up Next
Here's a silver lining, the late great Garry Shandling hosts with musical guest Los Lobos.
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