Saturday Night Live Season 12 Reviews - Episode 11 - Bronson Pinchot / Paul Young

"Your inability to smile saddens us"

Cold Open: Heaven

3 Stars

Liberace opens the show from the afterlife

Hartman is dressed as Liberace playing in piano in heaven.  This dude died 10 days before the airing of this episode.
"If you think the censors are gonna let us do anymore than this, you're crazy."
I suppose this was a tribute to the man.  It's very brief and forgettable.

Bronson Pinchot Monologue

4 Stars

Pinchot reflects on love

Bronson starts by correcting Don Pardo.
"My name is not pronounced 'Pin-show' it's 'Pin-chow'.  It had to be said."
What a way to start things off, reprimanding the guy who has been reading names since literally before you were born.  It means a lot that he's hosting the Valentine's Day episode because 4 years ago today he met an important person in his life.  He met Maureen in a crowded coffee shop and she became a constant source of love and support.  You think he is going to end by saying that they got married but instead he mentions that on their one year anniversary he made reservations for them at that same coffee shop but got a call from his agent that he got cast in Beverly Hills Cop.  He meant to call the restaurant on the way to the airport but forgot.  He hopes she's watching and promises to call her the next time he's in town.  He was gonna invite her to the show but the host only gets 10 free tickets.  After completely turning me off with his snarkiness towards Pardo he won me over with his misdirection.

Amerida

5 Stars

A TV movie about an alternate future where Canada invades the U.S.

In the late 1980s, the United States was running a huge deficit and in a desperate move mortgaged the country to Canada.  Now known as Amerida, there are only a few small pockets who resist the change.  We cut to Kansas where a family is watching The Tonight Show with Alan Thicke at 12:30 Newfoundland time.  Up next is Late Night with Gordon Lightfoot.  Nora reads a poll in the paper saying that Wayne Gretzky should be elected Prime Minister in a landslide.  Phil is upset and laments that they couldn't have kept there borders strong.
"I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole."
"You mean a 3 meter pole, Dad."
"Don't smart mouth your father."
"What are you so upset aboot?"
"I'll tell you what I'm upset aboot.  I seem to be the only one who remembers a time where we had Presidents and inches and money that wasn't every color of the rainbow.  A country where you didn't have to punt on 3rd down.  A country where the temperatures were in Fahrenheit.  Where the subways stunk, they were dirty, filthy places.  Where you didn't have to spell color of flavor without a "u".  This scene then fades to the next sketch.

Nightline

5 Stars

Experts discuss whether the last sketch was plausible

Tonight's topic: Amerida - could it happen?
Dana is Ted Koppel, Al Franken is Henry Kissinger, Pinchot is astronomer Carl Sagan and Nealon is sports commentator Brent Musburger.  I didn't mention the first time Nealon did his Musburger impression but he holds down his eyelids while he talks so I had to look up a picture of Musburger to see why.

Ok, I get it.
"Dr. Kissinger, how realistic is the episode we've just seen?"
"It would be a grave mistake to underestimate the geopolitical importance of Canada, but this was just stupid."
"Carl Sagan, in tomorrow's episode the city of Tampa is buried under 26 inches of snow."
"The prospect of a Canadian winter sweeping over our beaches is chilling however the notion that it could come seems extremely remote."
"Try stupid." interjects Kissinger.
Musburger is here to talk about the football implications of a Canadian invasion.  Kissinger also thought that the acting was terrible and the part of the wife was thinly written.  Sagan says that the odds of something like this happen are 1 in billions and billions.  At that point a duck comes down from the ceiling as 'billions and billions' was the secret word of the day.  This was an incredible experiment in stupidity and I loved every minute of it.  The linking of the sketches had a Mr. Show feel that I wish SNL would do more often.  It breaks up the regular format and keeps the show interesting.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

5 Stars

Paulina Porviskova explains the importance of the swimsuit issue

"Today we live in a world of censorship.  That's why the young man in your life needs, now more than ever, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue."
You get pictures of women with barely any clothes on with still enough articles about sports to make it family friendly.  You can buy it at a newsstand where it usually sells out or you can subscribe to Sports Illustrated and get 51 other issues with interesting articles and occasional pictures of women golfers and tennis players.  If you subscribe now you get a bonus 'Do Not Disturb' sign.  You can order today by calling 1-800-999-WANK.  Your kids need it.

"And I need it too." says a dirty, disgusting hobo.

This made me laugh more than anything else this season.

Jingle

3 Stars

Derek Stevens sells out and records a commercial jingle

Derek Stevens is upset that he's re-working his hit 'Choppin' Broccoli' for a commercial for Bird's Eye frozen vegetables.  The song isn't about vegetables it's about people.
"If we are vegetables in life then we're bound to be chopped."
He feels like he's selling out and his manager has to talk some sense into him.
"Is Glenn Fry selling out when he does Pepsi ads?  Phil Collins and Michelob?  John Denver and Grape Nuts?"
Jon Lovitz comes in as Ringo Starr who was doing a wine cooler commercial next door.  He offers to play drums on the next take and Derek agrees.  I'm still confused by this character but I liked the world of this sketch better than the others.  There was no ending though, Derek just sings his song and we fade out.

Valentine's Day

1 Star

Babette uses her personal assistant, Serge, to greet her suitors

Ugh.  Serge, Pinchot's character from Beverly Hills Cop, works for international sex kitten Babette.  Hartman comes in to take her on a date and Serge makes him wait in the hallway.  They make awkward slow talk and Serge mispronounces words for what seems like forever until he finally lets her in.  It ends with Serge and Babette riffing together in their accents.  I found this pretty unwatchable.

Paul Young

"War Games"

Apparently Paul Young had other songs that weren't 'Everytime You Go Away" which is a song that always makes me think about the end of Planes, Trains & Automobiles which makes me cry everytime.  It also makes me think of 'Eternal Flame' by The Bangles due to a CD compilation commercial that got stuck in my head as a kid.  I will never hear that song without remembering that it led into Eternal Flame on that commercial.  Anyway, this performance reminded me of that Pamela Stephenson Billy Idol sketch from season 10 where the joke was that his voice didn't match his tough image.  There was just something about Paul Young's baby face and his leather jacket that seemed silly.  The song was pretty good though.

Weekend Update

"Happy Valentine's Day"

Charles Manson has released a new book.  He had a book signing at Miller's local book store but by the time he got to the front of the line Manson had run out of blood.  Also, a commonly eaten vegetable is known to cause strokes in people as young as 25.  My favorite moment came from when he said that People Magazine called Bruce Willis a "renaissance man" after watching his HBO special, "The Return Of Bruno".  He takes a sip of water and then does a spit take.
"Certain things in life just require a spit take."

He ends the piece by saying that since condom ads can not be show on TV they have introduced the Weekend Update Body Condom to raise awareness.

Dana Carvey shows up as Jacques Cousteau to talk about the mating ritual of the napkin fish.  It's a very silly segment where Dana reenacts sex between two napkins.
"She's some kind of fabulous sea slut that's for sure."
This seems like something Dana did at lunch and one of the writers thought it would make a good Update bit.

A. Whitney Brown talks about the $12,000 pay hike for all federal officials.  Why can't they get a raise from military contractors and tobacco lobbyists?  The justification behind the raise is that more money will attract more qualified people.  But that might not be the best idea.  Suppose The Wright Brothers went into government, we would have had to fight the Nazis with $10 million kites.
"If we want better people in government we should lower the salaries, it's worked just great for the teaching profession."

The Life Of Golda Meir

2 Stars

Paulina Porizkova stars as the former Prime Minister of Israel

In an NBC movie of the week Paulina stars as Golda Meir.  As she's meeting with her cabinet they can only focus on her beauty and think that perhaps if she were to show up on the battlefront in a revealing swimsuit it may provide their soldiers a moral boost.  Golda agrees and dramatically says, "Get my leopard bikini ready.".  The sketch ends with Don Pardo reading a disclaimer that some parts of this docudrama were fictitious.  An interesting premise that they could have done a lot more with.

Sketch Artist

4 Stars

A police sketch artist has his own technique

Pinchot describes his assailant to the police sketch artist, Nealon.  When asked why he doesn't have a sketch pad he says that he uses his own method.  As Pinchot describes the man that attacked him, Nealon starts making corresponding faces.  He had a long face with a big mouth and eyebrows that covered his eyes.  When told that he had a nose that turned up he puts some tape on his face.  Luckily the assailant was white so that saves a lot of time.  Once Pinchot is satisfied, Nealon photocopies his face and sends him on his way.  A really dumb but very funny sketch.

Hardware Store

2 Stars

A gigolo operating out of a hardware store is down on his luck

Jan plays Marge Keister who is looking for a specific type of screw but doesn't know what it's called.  Pinchot comes up behind her and asks if he can be of assistance.  He is able to figure out her hardware needs but senses she has other needs that are not being fulfilled.  He asks her for coffee and pulls up two folding chairs to a little coffee pot in the corner.  He tries to seduce her but she says she is happily married.
"You don't want to pay me to make wild love to you at the hotel tonight?"
"Heavens no."
"I'll never make it as a gigolo in a hardware store.  All my life I've had one dream, to be the top gigolo in Fort Wayne, Indiana."
Marge gives him $5 and tells him to get a real job but his spirits are lifted when Paulina Porizkova needs help at the register.

Paul Young returns with "The Long Run" which is another pretty good pop song.

Miss Connie's Fable Nook: The Adventures Of Koko, Mishu and Lebee

1 Star

Two clowns and a giant try to cheer up a sad princess

Oh man.  I did not want to see this again.  Miller and Carvey are two French clowns and Nealon is their mute giant friend.  They have an audience with Princess Paulina, who has never smiled.  They meet with her and try to dance and prance like never before.  She is not amused.  She explains that she is capable of smiling but has never found anything worthy of smiling. 
"Your dancing came close but you were doing it specifically to elicit a reaction and that ruined it for me."
They learn a lesson in humility.  She kisses Lebee and he passes out.  Miss Connie tells is that Lebee eventually came to but he was giddy for approximately two years.  Once again, Hooks ends with a song and once again, I hated this.

Buster Poindexter

"Heart Of Gold"

Buster ends the night with a slow but pleasant ballad.

FINAL ANALYSIS

"I don't watch a lot of prime time TV but this was just garbage"

Average

3.2 Stars

MVP

Dana Carvey
Nightline, Jingle, Weekend Update, Miss Connie's Fable Nook

Best Sketch

Amerida/Nightline

Worst Sketch

Miss Connie's Fable Nook: The Adventures Of Koko, Mishu and Lebee

How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It

I know either Pinchot requested to do his Serge character or the show asked him to do it but I request that it gets buried at the end of the night.  This sketch was slow and completely killed the momentum.  Swap that with Hardware Store and please, for the love of God, don't ever force me to watch The Adventures Of Koko, Mishu and Lebee again.

Host Analysis

Well, I thought I was going to hate Bronson Pinchot just based on things I have heard about his hosting stint and the fact that he just doesn't seem like a funny guy.  I recently watched him on Worst Cooks In America: Celebrity Edition and he strikes me as a guy who thinks he's dryly funny but comes off as arrogant and unpleasant.  I was pleasantly surprised.  Where he faltered was in playing the straight man.  In both Sketch Artist and The Life Of Golda Meir he seemed bored but in Hardware Store and Nightline he seemed to be having fun and I enjoyed watching him.  If they would have just cut that Serge sketch...

Final Thoughts

The bad sketches really brought down the episode average as I found nothing to like in 2 sketches but everything else was good to great.  The show started with what will definitely be one of my favorite sketches of the season and that old hobo in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue sketch gave me the biggest laugh I've had in a long time.

Up Next

Willie Nelson sets his bong down long enough to be the host and musical guest next week with special guest Danny DeVito.  After Paulina Porizkova, these special guests just get sexier and sexier.