"You gotta dip, you gotta doodle, you gotta eat Grandma's strudel"
Cold Open: WMUR 9 CNN Debate
4 Stars
The Republican candidates compete for who is going to lose to Bill Clinton
All the Republican candidates are here. We have Norm's Bob Dole, David Koechner as Pat Buchanan, Mark McKinney as Steve Forbes, Will Ferrell as Bob Dornan, Darrell Hammond as Lamar Alexander, Tim Meadows as Alan Keyes and Jim Breuer as Morry Taylor, a truck tire salesman who threw his hat into the ring. The conversation quickly turns to President Bill Clinton's lead in the polls. Bob Dole says that the only fella who could beat Clinton is him and even he couldn't beat him. Buchanan tries to raise the stakes by saying he would lose to Clinton in a landslide as people look at him and cringe. Forbes says that he made an illegal donation to Clinton's campaign. The only level headed one seems to be Alan Keyes.
"Don't you see what we're doing? We're trying to re-elect Bill Clinton!"
"What's your point?"
"No point. 4 more years! 4 more years!"
It's weird, they did this exact same sketch, just with the parties reversed, in the Kiefer Sutherland episode from 1992. There, all the democratic nominees were campaigning to be the one who lost to George H. W. Bush, who of course lost to Bill Clinton. It was cool to see the entire male cast in the cold open, even if they had to invent a character to fit them all in.
Tom Arnold Monologue
All the Republican candidates are here. We have Norm's Bob Dole, David Koechner as Pat Buchanan, Mark McKinney as Steve Forbes, Will Ferrell as Bob Dornan, Darrell Hammond as Lamar Alexander, Tim Meadows as Alan Keyes and Jim Breuer as Morry Taylor, a truck tire salesman who threw his hat into the ring. The conversation quickly turns to President Bill Clinton's lead in the polls. Bob Dole says that the only fella who could beat Clinton is him and even he couldn't beat him. Buchanan tries to raise the stakes by saying he would lose to Clinton in a landslide as people look at him and cringe. Forbes says that he made an illegal donation to Clinton's campaign. The only level headed one seems to be Alan Keyes.
"Don't you see what we're doing? We're trying to re-elect Bill Clinton!"
"What's your point?"
"No point. 4 more years! 4 more years!"
It's weird, they did this exact same sketch, just with the parties reversed, in the Kiefer Sutherland episode from 1992. There, all the democratic nominees were campaigning to be the one who lost to George H. W. Bush, who of course lost to Bill Clinton. It was cool to see the entire male cast in the cold open, even if they had to invent a character to fit them all in.
Tom Arnold Monologue
2 Stars
Tom apologizes for his Golden Globe remarks
So apparently Tom Arnold made an off the cuff remark to Teri Hatcher at the Golden Globes. I have no memory of this nor should I so I looked it up on YouTube. It's uncomfortable as all hell. Tom and Teri come out, Tom stumbles around like he's hosting The Chris Farley Show trying to tell a joke about Roseanne. He looks out to a silent audience, panics, then goes into the scripted patter. He stumbles around a bit and finally Teri says, "Maybe I should do the talking" to which Tom replies, "Probably not what you do best". So he wants to assure everyone tonight that he's a nice guy. He brings out Nancy Walls who thinks he's gonna do a great job hosting tonight. Tom says it doesn't look like they pay her for thinking. David Koechner comes out to confront Tom but Tom instead makes fun of David for being bald, then he calls Tim Meadows the janitor. Tim tells him to give his actions some thoughts. We then get Tom's internal monologue.
"What is wrong with me? Why am I the world's biggest jerk? Oh, that’s right because I’m Tom Arnold."
I should probably preface this recap off with the fact that I hate Tom Arnold. Like, I don't like him at all, I don't know how or why he ever had a career and I don't understand how anyone could ever like him. He was good in the movie 'Touch' though.
So apparently Tom Arnold made an off the cuff remark to Teri Hatcher at the Golden Globes. I have no memory of this nor should I so I looked it up on YouTube. It's uncomfortable as all hell. Tom and Teri come out, Tom stumbles around like he's hosting The Chris Farley Show trying to tell a joke about Roseanne. He looks out to a silent audience, panics, then goes into the scripted patter. He stumbles around a bit and finally Teri says, "Maybe I should do the talking" to which Tom replies, "Probably not what you do best". So he wants to assure everyone tonight that he's a nice guy. He brings out Nancy Walls who thinks he's gonna do a great job hosting tonight. Tom says it doesn't look like they pay her for thinking. David Koechner comes out to confront Tom but Tom instead makes fun of David for being bald, then he calls Tim Meadows the janitor. Tim tells him to give his actions some thoughts. We then get Tom's internal monologue.
"What is wrong with me? Why am I the world's biggest jerk? Oh, that’s right because I’m Tom Arnold."
I should probably preface this recap off with the fact that I hate Tom Arnold. Like, I don't like him at all, I don't know how or why he ever had a career and I don't understand how anyone could ever like him. He was good in the movie 'Touch' though.
The Life We Lead
4 Stars
4 Stars
A successful soap opera merges with a failing news department
Channel 7 Action News has been cancelled due to low ratings so in order to fill the network's community service obligation, news bulletins will be weaved into the story lines of the hit soap opera, The Life We Lead. So we get a bunch of hammy soap opera actors saying things like, "Oh my God, Drake's evil twin tried to kill himself and there's a car stalled on Interstate 70 with traffic delays up to 20 minutes". We cut to Tim Meadows dying in a hospital bed while he's reading the weather report only to be resuscitated by Dr. Tom Arnold who gives us the sports scores while he's performing CPR. The final beat is when Nancy Walls and Will Ferrell get a breaking news report about Chechian rebels hijacking a plane and they have to clumsily improv how it relates to what they're talking about. It would’ve been nice to have a turn in the sketch somewhere but it was cute for what it is it was, just the same joke repeated in different variations.
Bake Sale
Channel 7 Action News has been cancelled due to low ratings so in order to fill the network's community service obligation, news bulletins will be weaved into the story lines of the hit soap opera, The Life We Lead. So we get a bunch of hammy soap opera actors saying things like, "Oh my God, Drake's evil twin tried to kill himself and there's a car stalled on Interstate 70 with traffic delays up to 20 minutes". We cut to Tim Meadows dying in a hospital bed while he's reading the weather report only to be resuscitated by Dr. Tom Arnold who gives us the sports scores while he's performing CPR. The final beat is when Nancy Walls and Will Ferrell get a breaking news report about Chechian rebels hijacking a plane and they have to clumsily improv how it relates to what they're talking about. It would’ve been nice to have a turn in the sketch somewhere but it was cute for what it is it was, just the same joke repeated in different variations.
Bake Sale
3 Stars
A woman establishes dominance at a church bake sale
Nancy Walls shows up at a bake sale and threatens every other woman. Her and Cheri Oteri both made a Lady Baltimore cake and Nancy asks if they have to take it outside where she can open up a big ol' can of whoop ass. The joke repeats a couple of times until Tom Arnold comes in as a priest and she kicks his ass. This was cute but very one note and missing a satisfying ending.
Tupac Shakur
Nancy Walls shows up at a bake sale and threatens every other woman. Her and Cheri Oteri both made a Lady Baltimore cake and Nancy asks if they have to take it outside where she can open up a big ol' can of whoop ass. The joke repeats a couple of times until Tom Arnold comes in as a priest and she kicks his ass. This was cute but very one note and missing a satisfying ending.
Tupac Shakur
'California Love'
Tupac screams his lyrics and then tries his hardest to sing the chorus to this song. I like the studio version of this song but this was unlistenable. It seemed like there was absolutely no communication between Tupac and the band behind him to the point where I wish he would have just lip-synched. He ends by giving a shout out to Snoop Dogg who was apparently having legal problems. I can only assume they were weed related.
Weekend Update
Tupac screams his lyrics and then tries his hardest to sing the chorus to this song. I like the studio version of this song but this was unlistenable. It seemed like there was absolutely no communication between Tupac and the band behind him to the point where I wish he would have just lip-synched. He ends by giving a shout out to Snoop Dogg who was apparently having legal problems. I can only assume they were weed related.
Weekend Update
"I can't believe it's not crack"
Bill Clinton visited a flood damaged area and promised every flood
victim meals, blankets and pup tents. Meanwhile Steve Forbes promised
everyone a case of champagne and a rare Austrian music box.
The peanut advisory board will launch a $600,000 campaign to increase the sale of peanuts. Most of the money will go to spreading vicious rumors about almonds and cashews.
Good news for the Steve Forbes campaign this week he finally picked up the endorsement of Forbes magazine.
Exotic, nude and topless dancing is now banned in any place selling alcoholic beverages in New Iberia, Louisiana or as I call it, the most horrible place on earth.
Joe Blow again? Same joke as last time he's giving the local news about his family and neighborhood. There was a big drug bust when he caught his son smoking pot and in Foreign Affairs, he got in a fight with an Indian cab driver. Colin Quinn is really banking on the recognition he can get by putting himself behind the Update desk. I guess it worked as he got the Update anchor gig and Fred Wolf faded into obscurity.
Then Adam Sandler makes an unexpected return to Studio 8H. He says that two months ago his grandmother passed away so he wrote a song to commemorate her. It's a bunch of nonsense words that eventually get to a rhyme about Grandma.
"You gotta gip, you gotta gash, you gotta wax Grandma's mustache"
"You gotta libby, you gotta labby, you gotta hug Grandma even though she's flabby"
It's a pretty funny song and now that I don't see Sandler every episode I can appreciate these random bursts of idiocy.
Miracles Of Science
The peanut advisory board will launch a $600,000 campaign to increase the sale of peanuts. Most of the money will go to spreading vicious rumors about almonds and cashews.
Good news for the Steve Forbes campaign this week he finally picked up the endorsement of Forbes magazine.
Exotic, nude and topless dancing is now banned in any place selling alcoholic beverages in New Iberia, Louisiana or as I call it, the most horrible place on earth.
In the middle of the segment Norm takes a call from O.J. Simpson who is distraught about how poorly his murder investigation is going. It turns out that the shadowy figure leaving Nicole Brown Simpson's house on the night of the murder was O.J.. He hocks a 900 number where you can order a video proving O.J.'s innocence. After Norm hangs up he tells a joke about O.J. murdering his ex-wife. The phone rings and Norm quickly picks up and immediately hangs up.
Joe Blow again? Same joke as last time he's giving the local news about his family and neighborhood. There was a big drug bust when he caught his son smoking pot and in Foreign Affairs, he got in a fight with an Indian cab driver. Colin Quinn is really banking on the recognition he can get by putting himself behind the Update desk. I guess it worked as he got the Update anchor gig and Fred Wolf faded into obscurity.
Then Adam Sandler makes an unexpected return to Studio 8H. He says that two months ago his grandmother passed away so he wrote a song to commemorate her. It's a bunch of nonsense words that eventually get to a rhyme about Grandma.
"You gotta gip, you gotta gash, you gotta wax Grandma's mustache"
"You gotta libby, you gotta labby, you gotta hug Grandma even though she's flabby"
It's a pretty funny song and now that I don't see Sandler every episode I can appreciate these random bursts of idiocy.
Miracles Of Science
2 Stars
A janitor who was exposed to radiation now has the world's largest cranium
Will Ferrell hosts this show and his guest is Gus Grady. Gus was once a simple janitor who after cleaning up a radiation spill one night was exposed to so much radiation that his head grew to an enormous size. He now goes by the name of Brainiac, the world's smartest man. Brainiac seems to have trouble putting his thoughts together though and when he thinks to hard his nose starts to bleed. He tells us his plan to eliminate pollution which is to put all trash in a rocket and shoot it into space. He also tells us his plan to eliminate racism which is to put all racism in a rocket and shoot it into space. He is stumped on how to fix the problem of Polio. He also has his hand stuck in a pickle jar. Will surmises that Brainiac is not super intelligent but rather has a dangerous level of radiation poisoning. This was an interesting idea that should have been a better sketch. In fact, this sketch could have been a classic with a better host. Most of the jokes here were really strong but Tom Arnold is just not funny. The audience was silent for most of this because Arnold is almost incapable of landing a joke.
Mrs. Kogen
Will Ferrell hosts this show and his guest is Gus Grady. Gus was once a simple janitor who after cleaning up a radiation spill one night was exposed to so much radiation that his head grew to an enormous size. He now goes by the name of Brainiac, the world's smartest man. Brainiac seems to have trouble putting his thoughts together though and when he thinks to hard his nose starts to bleed. He tells us his plan to eliminate pollution which is to put all trash in a rocket and shoot it into space. He also tells us his plan to eliminate racism which is to put all racism in a rocket and shoot it into space. He is stumped on how to fix the problem of Polio. He also has his hand stuck in a pickle jar. Will surmises that Brainiac is not super intelligent but rather has a dangerous level of radiation poisoning. This was an interesting idea that should have been a better sketch. In fact, this sketch could have been a classic with a better host. Most of the jokes here were really strong but Tom Arnold is just not funny. The audience was silent for most of this because Arnold is almost incapable of landing a joke.
Mrs. Kogen
2 Stars
An oblivious mother talks to a cop investigating her son
Colin Quinn leaves with a gun and says he's going camping. His mom, played by Jim Breuer, waves goodbye. Tom Arnold shows up as a cop and says that her son is wanted for robbery. She says that it couldn't possibly be her son because he was too busy camping. She lets the cop in to a house full of stolen merchandise that her son finds in the trash. She also pulls out a few bongs that her son uses for his asthma. The cop opens a closet to reveal that David Koechner and Nancy Walls tied and gagged. Mom says that those are her son's camping buddies. Arnold lets them leave out the front door, without ungagging them or untying them. I guess in the reality of this sketch they hopped in their underwear to safety. Colin comes back and is arrested. This didn't work for me at all. I'm really not a fan of drag characters, I don't know why, it just usually never works for me. I love drag queens but I dislike a guy in a dress for comedic effect.
Hospital
Colin Quinn leaves with a gun and says he's going camping. His mom, played by Jim Breuer, waves goodbye. Tom Arnold shows up as a cop and says that her son is wanted for robbery. She says that it couldn't possibly be her son because he was too busy camping. She lets the cop in to a house full of stolen merchandise that her son finds in the trash. She also pulls out a few bongs that her son uses for his asthma. The cop opens a closet to reveal that David Koechner and Nancy Walls tied and gagged. Mom says that those are her son's camping buddies. Arnold lets them leave out the front door, without ungagging them or untying them. I guess in the reality of this sketch they hopped in their underwear to safety. Colin comes back and is arrested. This didn't work for me at all. I'm really not a fan of drag characters, I don't know why, it just usually never works for me. I love drag queens but I dislike a guy in a dress for comedic effect.
Hospital
3 Stars
T-Bone gets a job as an orderly
Tom Arnold is in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. T-Bone comes in to shave his belly. They have the typical crazy guy/straight guy conversation. T-Bone asks if he can keep the appendix and then sings 'Convoy' and makes Arnold say "10-4, Good Buddy" into his imaginary CB radio. I like this character but I already feel like I've seen enough of him.
Fuzzy Memories
Tom Arnold is in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. T-Bone comes in to shave his belly. They have the typical crazy guy/straight guy conversation. T-Bone asks if he can keep the appendix and then sings 'Convoy' and makes Arnold say "10-4, Good Buddy" into his imaginary CB radio. I like this character but I already feel like I've seen enough of him.
Fuzzy Memories
5 Stars
I remember one time my dad was trying to catch a woodpecker. Nothing seemed to work. So dad killed himself. We end with dad's swinging feet as he's hanging in the garage. These always have a dark and twisted edge to them but this was the darkest one yet, and I loved it. I wish they would have saved this for the last one of the season.
Tupac Shakur returns with 'I Ain't Mad At Cha' which is worse than the first song. One guy sings the chorus which is sort of pleasant but then Tupac screams his lyrics in a rough and gravelly voice that I just couldn't stand.
Tree Slice Display
3 Stars
A ranger shows us the passage of time through the rings in a tree
Tom Arnold plays Ranger Rod who is showing a group a Sequoia tree slice. Every ring represents a year so we can see that this tree is several hundred years old. He points to one ring which represents the year he came up with the idea for the tree slice display. The ring after it represents the year his boss rejected his idea. The next year represents when he cut down a Sequoia and put a display up in his garage. The next few years represent the years he spent in prison for destruction of property and the time he broke out, snuck into his boss's house, stole his uniform and started living in the forest. The cops come in to arrest him and we end with text scrawl warning us to make sure if we visit a tree slice display to make sure that it is in an actual national park and not just a vacant lot. Arnold blew way too many lines for this sketch to work but the jokes in it were funny. At first I thought he was trying to work without cue cards but then I realized that he was relying on the cue cards too much and kept reading the same lines over and over and then would clumsily try to cover up his mistakes. What a terrible host.
Petchow
Tom Arnold plays Ranger Rod who is showing a group a Sequoia tree slice. Every ring represents a year so we can see that this tree is several hundred years old. He points to one ring which represents the year he came up with the idea for the tree slice display. The ring after it represents the year his boss rejected his idea. The next year represents when he cut down a Sequoia and put a display up in his garage. The next few years represent the years he spent in prison for destruction of property and the time he broke out, snuck into his boss's house, stole his uniform and started living in the forest. The cops come in to arrest him and we end with text scrawl warning us to make sure if we visit a tree slice display to make sure that it is in an actual national park and not just a vacant lot. Arnold blew way too many lines for this sketch to work but the jokes in it were funny. At first I thought he was trying to work without cue cards but then I realized that he was relying on the cue cards too much and kept reading the same lines over and over and then would clumsily try to cover up his mistakes. What a terrible host.
Petchow
5 Stars
Hank Petchow promotes his new line of rat poison
Something must have ran long or short because we end with a commercial parody that would have fit better at the beginning of the show. Hank Petchow loves his dogs almost as much as he hates rats. That's why he created a rat poison with his name on it and a picture of his dog on the bag. Petchow rat poison is so powerful it could easily kill a rat the size of a dog instantly. Rats love the hearty chunks and you can add water to make a delicious gravy that rats just love.
FINAL ANALYSIS
Something must have ran long or short because we end with a commercial parody that would have fit better at the beginning of the show. Hank Petchow loves his dogs almost as much as he hates rats. That's why he created a rat poison with his name on it and a picture of his dog on the bag. Petchow rat poison is so powerful it could easily kill a rat the size of a dog instantly. Rats love the hearty chunks and you can add water to make a delicious gravy that rats just love.
FINAL ANALYSIS
"Just shave my belly and get the hell out of here"
Average
3.3 Stars
MVP
Will Ferrell
Cold Open, The Life We Lead, Miracles Of
Science, Petchow
Best Sketch
The Life We Lead
Worst Sketch
Mrs. Kogen
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
I think, obviously, Petchow was meant for
the next episode and something ran short and they needed to fill time. If
I was rearranging the sketches I would definitely put that up front. I
thought it was odd that we didn't get a sketch that really featured Arnold
until after Update. I would have swapped Miracles Of Science and Bake
Sale just to give Arnold something to do early in the show and maybe he would
have been a little more relaxed.
Host Analysis
Remember last episode when I said Danny
Aiello was the worst? I hadn't seen Tom Arnold yet. I would watch
20 episodes of the Danny Aiello Variety Hour before I watched this again.
Arnold was fine in the sketches where he just played a random role but when
they gave him a front and center sketch it was down right uncomfortable to
watch how unfunny this guy was. I used to think, wow, this guy wanted
fame at any cost and he had sex with Roseanne to get it as part of his Faustian
bargain. Now I think, poor Roseanne. Not only did she have sex with
this guy, she talked to him for an extended period of time.
Final Thoughts
Luckily, the writer's upped their game
from last week so Tom Arnold's lack of charisma, talent and comedic timing
couldn't completely derail this episode but he came damn close.
Up Next
Supermodel Elle MacPherson hosts. I usually don't expect a lot from non-actors hosting SNL but I'm almost sure she will be leaps and bounds more watchable than Tom Arnold.
Supermodel Elle MacPherson hosts. I usually don't expect a lot from non-actors hosting SNL but I'm almost sure she will be leaps and bounds more watchable than Tom Arnold.
The brainiac sketch would have worked better with Will as Braniac.
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