"...and yes, I wiped my ass with the American flag"
Cold Open: Nightline
5 Stars
The world is stunned at the divorce of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley
Ted Koppel gives us the tragic news that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson.
"America's symbolic mother and father is no more. Reality as we know it is flying a part at the seams."
Ted throws to Barbara Walters who says that there were no warning signs and nobody could have predicted this. They had the kind of love that the rest of us can only dream about. Ted is specifically crushed as he came from a broken home and when MJ and Lisa Marie got married it was almost as if his own parents had reunited. He throws to Diane Sawyer who says that when she interviewed the couple she was struck by Michael's raw sexuality and could smell the sex they were having all over them. Professor Stephen Hawking is also interviewed who says that the universe no longer makes sense to him. Finally we hear from Jacko himself who says that it is normal and people just grow apart after being together for 20 months. He also says that he is happy to be single and will sounding the booty call which sounds like, "Live From New York...". I absolutely loved this, it felt like it was written by Norm MacDonald. I love how they treated this absurd situation seriously and that Ted crumbled when he heard the news that his favorite celebrity couple is no more.
Alec Baldwin Monologue
Ted Koppel gives us the tragic news that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson.
"America's symbolic mother and father is no more. Reality as we know it is flying a part at the seams."
Ted throws to Barbara Walters who says that there were no warning signs and nobody could have predicted this. They had the kind of love that the rest of us can only dream about. Ted is specifically crushed as he came from a broken home and when MJ and Lisa Marie got married it was almost as if his own parents had reunited. He throws to Diane Sawyer who says that when she interviewed the couple she was struck by Michael's raw sexuality and could smell the sex they were having all over them. Professor Stephen Hawking is also interviewed who says that the universe no longer makes sense to him. Finally we hear from Jacko himself who says that it is normal and people just grow apart after being together for 20 months. He also says that he is happy to be single and will sounding the booty call which sounds like, "Live From New York...". I absolutely loved this, it felt like it was written by Norm MacDonald. I love how they treated this absurd situation seriously and that Ted crumbled when he heard the news that his favorite celebrity couple is no more.
Alec Baldwin Monologue
2 Stars
Lucien Callow and Fagan help Alec express his love to his wife
Alec just became a father and wants to tell his wife how much she means to her. Problem is he's an actor, not a writer and words, hard, emotions, strong. Enter Lucien Callow and Fagan who wax poetically to Kim Basinger. Baldwin is pleased but still needs help opening the show so he throws to them again and they invite us to sit back, take off our clothes and watch the show bare ass naked. What a truly bizarre catchphrase these two have. I wonder why they never got their own movie or why the NBC store didn't stock "Bare Ass Naked" T-shirts.
We get a rerun of the commercial for Marshall Power Tools
Alec just became a father and wants to tell his wife how much she means to her. Problem is he's an actor, not a writer and words, hard, emotions, strong. Enter Lucien Callow and Fagan who wax poetically to Kim Basinger. Baldwin is pleased but still needs help opening the show so he throws to them again and they invite us to sit back, take off our clothes and watch the show bare ass naked. What a truly bizarre catchphrase these two have. I wonder why they never got their own movie or why the NBC store didn't stock "Bare Ass Naked" T-shirts.
We get a rerun of the commercial for Marshall Power Tools
Chess Tournament
3 Stars
Craig and Arianna cheer a chess match
They got kicked out of the football game and the basketball game so now Craig and Arianna are sitting on the sidelines of a chess tournament. They do some cheers, Arianna yells at her friend Alexa for making her watch Friends alone, Craig tells his dad not to take pictures. Mark McKinney eventually comes over to tell them to stop doing what they are doing. They think that he is just mad because he needs the perfect cheer, they do the perfect cheer. If you want to write you own Spartan Cheerleaders sketch just take the last one, change the sporting event and the music used in the final cheer.
The Joe Pesci Show
They got kicked out of the football game and the basketball game so now Craig and Arianna are sitting on the sidelines of a chess tournament. They do some cheers, Arianna yells at her friend Alexa for making her watch Friends alone, Craig tells his dad not to take pictures. Mark McKinney eventually comes over to tell them to stop doing what they are doing. They think that he is just mad because he needs the perfect cheer, they do the perfect cheer. If you want to write you own Spartan Cheerleaders sketch just take the last one, change the sporting event and the music used in the final cheer.
The Joe Pesci Show
3 Stars
Joe welcomes guests and berates his cue card guy
2nd time around for this sketch. His co-host for the evening this week is Robert DeNiro, he speaks in one sentence clips like "pretty good", "a little bit" and "come on". His first guests are his Lethal Weapon co-stars Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. Gibson says he was great at playing an irritating character, Joe takes offense and kicks them both out. Then, after having trouble reading the cue cards, he brings over the cue card guy, Spider, and they pay homage to the famous scene in Goodfellas where Joe Pesci shoots the waiter. Then David Spade comes out as Brad Pitt, doing the bare minimum as far as impressions go. He upsets Joe and gets beaten by a baseball bat. Having this right after the Cheerleaders sketch makes me hungry for something new.
Literary Theatre
2nd time around for this sketch. His co-host for the evening this week is Robert DeNiro, he speaks in one sentence clips like "pretty good", "a little bit" and "come on". His first guests are his Lethal Weapon co-stars Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. Gibson says he was great at playing an irritating character, Joe takes offense and kicks them both out. Then, after having trouble reading the cue cards, he brings over the cue card guy, Spider, and they pay homage to the famous scene in Goodfellas where Joe Pesci shoots the waiter. Then David Spade comes out as Brad Pitt, doing the bare minimum as far as impressions go. He upsets Joe and gets beaten by a baseball bat. Having this right after the Cheerleaders sketch makes me hungry for something new.
Literary Theatre
1 Star
A Jane Austen adaptation entitled "Dense And Densibility"
Lucien Callow and Fagan wear out their welcome ever so slightly by introducing this piece. In their spare time they like to adapt literary works for television. This is their version of Jane Austen's classic. In this version Molly Shannon and Nancy Walls are two dimwits awaiting a male suitor. When Alec Baldwin shows up he tries to pick which one he wants to marry but instead gets upset at how dumb they are. He end up leaving with their mother as they eat flowers. We then cut back to Lucien and Fagan who have been watching bare ass naked. The premise here was interesting but the joke was never quite clear. I wasn't sure what they were going for until it was too late and by then I was completely bored with the sketch. I felt like either Molly and Nancy needed to amp up their performances to be really dumb or this needed to be set up so we knew what was going on when it started. As it is, the sketch was half over and then I realized, oh, they're dumdums, now I get it.
Tori Amos
Lucien Callow and Fagan wear out their welcome ever so slightly by introducing this piece. In their spare time they like to adapt literary works for television. This is their version of Jane Austen's classic. In this version Molly Shannon and Nancy Walls are two dimwits awaiting a male suitor. When Alec Baldwin shows up he tries to pick which one he wants to marry but instead gets upset at how dumb they are. He end up leaving with their mother as they eat flowers. We then cut back to Lucien and Fagan who have been watching bare ass naked. The premise here was interesting but the joke was never quite clear. I wasn't sure what they were going for until it was too late and by then I was completely bored with the sketch. I felt like either Molly and Nancy needed to amp up their performances to be really dumb or this needed to be set up so we knew what was going on when it started. As it is, the sketch was half over and then I realized, oh, they're dumdums, now I get it.
Tori Amos
"Caught A Lite Sneeze"
I was prepared to say that I'm not a fan of Tori Amos, but I liked this a lot. I never listened to her in her 90s heyday but this song made me want to check out one of her albums. She has a beautiful and breathy voice and the song seems to be really dark. I didn't pay close attention to the lyrics so I don't really know what it's about. For some reason she needed two pianos, because I guess one couldn't handle all the rock. I'm sure there was some tuning reason but I could not tell the difference between the piano she was playing at the beginning and the one she played at the end.
Weekend Update
"She's more of a stay at home type and he's more of a homosexual pedophile"
Simpson jurors said that if OJ did commit the murders there would have been blood all over his gates, front doors and light switches. In a related story Al Cowlings released a new book, "How to get blood stains off gates, front doors and light switches".
The FDA has banned Ben and Jerry's newest ice cream flavor, 'Ben's Back Hair'.
John Goodman will not return for next season's Roseanne. How the show will get rid of his character is that Roseanne will gradually eat him.
Happy 100th birthday to George Burns. I don't know the secret of his longevity but let's hope that Pauley Shore doesn't know either.
Minnesota Fats died this week. I bet he's up in heaven racking it with the angels. Or maybe he's in hell where demons gnaw at his flesh and the agonies never cease. Either way, he'll be missed.
Then we get another appearance from Joe Blow. He's kind of racist in the Archie Bunker way, except missing all the charm. He talks about local news, economic news and foreign news but it's all just stuff that's going on with him. He tries to get Norm to grab a beer with him but Norm refuses.
Public Opinion
4 Stars
A man running for governor keeps making guffaws
Alec is lying in bed worrying about the upcoming election when he hears an intruder. He runs down stairs with a gun only to turn on the lights and see that he has shot Lassie, the beloved dog was trying to warn him about a carbon monoxide leak. The next day at the debates his opponent is telling poor people that they should be in prison. Nobody will hear his opposing arguments as they are yelling at him that he is a dog killer. When a woman comes up to him with her baby to kiss he turns and yells, "Kiss my ass!". We get some spinning headlines that this dog killer also curses at babies. At the next debate he is getting pelted with eggs and grabs the closest thing to him to dry his posterior only to find that it is the American flag. At the next debate he again gets eggs thrown at him and wipes his ass with a baby. He makes a speech pleading forgiveness and we get a text scrawl of what happened to him. He got 0% of the vote while his opponent got 100%. He did become governor of his own state though when he put a bunch of his daughter's dolls around a hole in the woods and served as their governor for 3 years. A narrator reading text is not my favorite way to end a sketch but this was funny, the visual of Alec Baldwin wiping his ass with a baby was worth the price of admission.
Fuzzy Memories
Alec is lying in bed worrying about the upcoming election when he hears an intruder. He runs down stairs with a gun only to turn on the lights and see that he has shot Lassie, the beloved dog was trying to warn him about a carbon monoxide leak. The next day at the debates his opponent is telling poor people that they should be in prison. Nobody will hear his opposing arguments as they are yelling at him that he is a dog killer. When a woman comes up to him with her baby to kiss he turns and yells, "Kiss my ass!". We get some spinning headlines that this dog killer also curses at babies. At the next debate he is getting pelted with eggs and grabs the closest thing to him to dry his posterior only to find that it is the American flag. At the next debate he again gets eggs thrown at him and wipes his ass with a baby. He makes a speech pleading forgiveness and we get a text scrawl of what happened to him. He got 0% of the vote while his opponent got 100%. He did become governor of his own state though when he put a bunch of his daughter's dolls around a hole in the woods and served as their governor for 3 years. A narrator reading text is not my favorite way to end a sketch but this was funny, the visual of Alec Baldwin wiping his ass with a baby was worth the price of admission.
Fuzzy Memories
3 Stars
My favorite game to play as a kid was 'Pirates'. We would dress up as pirates and hold butcher knives to adults and tell them to give us all their money. The adults would pretend to be scared and give us things. We played 'Pirate' until we were 20 or so.
Accidentally Shot By Hunters
3 Stars
A talk show for people with a recurring issue
Molly Shannon hosts this show and her first guest holds the record for most times being accidentally shot by a hunter. He will sometimes stumble around in the woods and show up at a house. When his keys don't work he will break in and try to take a souvenir. He thinks the fact that he wears a blue ski mask makes him look like a deer. Her next guest is Mark McKinney who has an unusual hairstyle. Before he can explain his predicament he is shot by Will Ferrell in the audience who apologizes, he thought the guy was a deer. The final guest is a professor who thinks that Abraham Lincoln was shot by buffalo hunters. He holds up a picture of Abe and a buffalo and asks if we can tell the difference. Before an answer can be given he is shot by Will Ferrell who again apologizes. Apparently the guy sounded like a deer. This was silly enough but didn't go anywhere.
Belated Season's Greetings
Molly Shannon hosts this show and her first guest holds the record for most times being accidentally shot by a hunter. He will sometimes stumble around in the woods and show up at a house. When his keys don't work he will break in and try to take a souvenir. He thinks the fact that he wears a blue ski mask makes him look like a deer. Her next guest is Mark McKinney who has an unusual hairstyle. Before he can explain his predicament he is shot by Will Ferrell in the audience who apologizes, he thought the guy was a deer. The final guest is a professor who thinks that Abraham Lincoln was shot by buffalo hunters. He holds up a picture of Abe and a buffalo and asks if we can tell the difference. Before an answer can be given he is shot by Will Ferrell who again apologizes. Apparently the guy sounded like a deer. This was silly enough but didn't go anywhere.
Belated Season's Greetings
2 Stars
Alec answers all his holiday cards
Baldwin received a lot of Christmas cards but he was too busy to reply. He leaves a generic reply covering all his basis.
"Congratulations on your son or daughter or children. He or she or they are really getting big."
"How about that professional sports time we both root for. They should hire or re-hire that manager."
"Sorry for throwing up on your carpet that time or times."
She
Baldwin received a lot of Christmas cards but he was too busy to reply. He leaves a generic reply covering all his basis.
"Congratulations on your son or daughter or children. He or she or they are really getting big."
"How about that professional sports time we both root for. They should hire or re-hire that manager."
"Sorry for throwing up on your carpet that time or times."
She
1 Star
Two sailors describe everything as 'she'
McKinney and Baldwin are on a ship.
"She's a good boat."
"She sure is."
"Can I borrow your lighter?"
"Nice lighter, where did you get her?"
"Sears"
"She's a fine store."
"I bought a broom in her last week."
"How is she?"
"She sweeps fine."
"How's your daughter?"
"It's fine. Would you like to see a picture of it."
It's a one joke sketch but at least it was short.
Tori Amos is back to sing 'Hey Jupiter' which is another beautiful song but a little too slow for a comedy show.
Airport Bar
McKinney and Baldwin are on a ship.
"She's a good boat."
"She sure is."
"Can I borrow your lighter?"
"Nice lighter, where did you get her?"
"Sears"
"She's a fine store."
"I bought a broom in her last week."
"How is she?"
"She sweeps fine."
"How's your daughter?"
"It's fine. Would you like to see a picture of it."
It's a one joke sketch but at least it was short.
Tori Amos is back to sing 'Hey Jupiter' which is another beautiful song but a little too slow for a comedy show.
Airport Bar
2 Stars
4 drunk salesman praise Bill Brasky
I know Will Ferrell loved doing this sketch over and over again but I never really enjoyed it. I remember watching this episode live back in 1996 and thinking this sketch was forgettable at best and then being continuously surprised when they kept bringing it back. They all swap stories about Bill Brasky, a legendary salesman whose height keeps changing with each story. He baptized one of their sons with Bailey's, he sold another into slavery, he loved one of them like he's never been loved before. My favorite moments were when David Koechner would drunkenly mumble something and someone else would respond as if he'd said something profound.
FINAL ANALYSIS
I know Will Ferrell loved doing this sketch over and over again but I never really enjoyed it. I remember watching this episode live back in 1996 and thinking this sketch was forgettable at best and then being continuously surprised when they kept bringing it back. They all swap stories about Bill Brasky, a legendary salesman whose height keeps changing with each story. He baptized one of their sons with Bailey's, he sold another into slavery, he loved one of them like he's never been loved before. My favorite moments were when David Koechner would drunkenly mumble something and someone else would respond as if he'd said something profound.
FINAL ANALYSIS
"I hate Bill Brasky, but I respect him"
Average
2.6 Stars
MVP
Will Ferrell
Chess Tournament, The Joe Pesci Show, Public Opinion, Accidentally Shot By Hunters, Airport Bar
Chess Tournament, The Joe Pesci Show, Public Opinion, Accidentally Shot By Hunters, Airport Bar
Best Sketch
Public Opinion
Worst Sketch
She
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
I understand why they do it but I don't like recurring sketches so I hate when the show starts with so much stuff I've seen before. The cold open to this episode was great and then it was just sketches where I could tell you what was going to happen as soon as they started. I would have put Public Opinion up front, probably in between Chess Tournament and The Joe Pesci Show and then move Literary Theatre to the end of the night.
Host Analysis
Maybe my hopes were too high but I was not a fan of Baldwin in this episode. He was fine but there was nothing here that made me eager to have him come back. Outside of his Robert De Niro, which you could tell he was having a grand time with, his characters were all pretty much the same all night.
Final Thoughts
This seems like a step backwards. We start with Lucien Callow and Fagan then we get the Cheerleaders and The Joe Pesci Show, even the commercial after the monologue was a repeat. For a season with an almost entirely new cast they seem to be resting on their laurels already when they should be taking chances. I want to see something new and they keep shoving the same old same old down my throat. Although, in their defense, most of the new stuff this episode was pretty lame. I gotta give them a big thumbs up for not including Spade In America this week. Spade was in the building though as he played Brad Pitt in The Joe Pesci Show but thankfully we were spared another lame stand up bit.
Up Next
Up Next
Excuse me while I dry my pants. Danny Aiello hosts next week. I've been a huge fan of Aiello's brand of humor since his hilarious turn in Do The Right Thing. Every thing this guy does is pure comedy gold. I'm more excited for musical guest Coolio.
Remember this episode as being pretty mediocre too but at least it was long before his Trump impression became one of the most repetitive and annoying impressions ever on the show lol
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