"Do it for Joe Piscopo"
Cold Open: Dole Headquarters
2 Stars
Bob Dole gets some help from Charlotte Heston
Bob Dole is rehearsing his acceptance speech when someone from his staff tells him that 81% of voters find him scary. He needs help to make him seem more relaxed. In walks Phil Hartman as Charlotte Heston. He first tries to give Dole a massage to calm him down but Dole misinterprets it as a sexual come on. Heston assured him he is all man.
“If I had a nickle for every dame who left my bed a satisified customer I'd make Steve Forbes look like a pauper.”
Then for some reason Jim Breuer comes in as Matt LeBlanc with his monkey costar from the “hit movie” Ed. This is only so Heston can drop to his knees and scream that the apes are taking over. This is more to wedge in Hartman’s Heston impression and less about writing a good sketch. It’s fun but there was definitely something missing.
Bob Dole is rehearsing his acceptance speech when someone from his staff tells him that 81% of voters find him scary. He needs help to make him seem more relaxed. In walks Phil Hartman as Charlotte Heston. He first tries to give Dole a massage to calm him down but Dole misinterprets it as a sexual come on. Heston assured him he is all man.
“If I had a nickle for every dame who left my bed a satisified customer I'd make Steve Forbes look like a pauper.”
Then for some reason Jim Breuer comes in as Matt LeBlanc with his monkey costar from the “hit movie” Ed. This is only so Heston can drop to his knees and scream that the apes are taking over. This is more to wedge in Hartman’s Heston impression and less about writing a good sketch. It’s fun but there was definitely something missing.
Colin Quinn is not listed in this week’s opening credits but Chris Kattan is.
Phil Hartman Monologue
5 Stars
Phil can't find his real voice
Phil gets one of the warmest welcomes from the audience I’ve ever seen. He says that in his 8 seasons on the show he wore 627 wigs, 50 of those were for his own personal use. He’s seen many monologues in his day and knows that it has the power to destroy a man.
“Matthe Broderick did one and had to spend two months in a halfway house.”
He finally gets the chance to play the one person he’s never played, himself. He does a few different voices before running out screaming, ‘I don’t know who I am!’. He locks himself in his dressing room where Tim Meadows tries to talk him out.
“You’re one of my idols.”
“Of course I am. I’m so much better than you.”
Tim tries to boost Phil’s ego by mentioning all the endorsement deals he’s gotten like McDonalds, Cheetos and Gary’s Big And Tall Shop in Muncie, Indiana. Phil apologizes for never being nice to Tim, he already had a relationship with Chris Rock when Tim joined the show. I loved the commentary there where it seems like Phil can only have one black friend. Tim tells him to do his best and do it for all the cast members who will never get the chance to host like Anthony Michael Hall and Nora Dunn. With his nerves back, Phil goes back to home base and is given a slow clap by the current cast. I loved every moment of this.
Rerun of BugOff
Phil gets one of the warmest welcomes from the audience I’ve ever seen. He says that in his 8 seasons on the show he wore 627 wigs, 50 of those were for his own personal use. He’s seen many monologues in his day and knows that it has the power to destroy a man.
“Matthe Broderick did one and had to spend two months in a halfway house.”
He finally gets the chance to play the one person he’s never played, himself. He does a few different voices before running out screaming, ‘I don’t know who I am!’. He locks himself in his dressing room where Tim Meadows tries to talk him out.
“You’re one of my idols.”
“Of course I am. I’m so much better than you.”
Tim tries to boost Phil’s ego by mentioning all the endorsement deals he’s gotten like McDonalds, Cheetos and Gary’s Big And Tall Shop in Muncie, Indiana. Phil apologizes for never being nice to Tim, he already had a relationship with Chris Rock when Tim joined the show. I loved the commentary there where it seems like Phil can only have one black friend. Tim tells him to do his best and do it for all the cast members who will never get the chance to host like Anthony Michael Hall and Nora Dunn. With his nerves back, Phil goes back to home base and is given a slow clap by the current cast. I loved every moment of this.
Rerun of BugOff
Leg Up
4 Stars
Ann Miller and Debbie Reynolds interview Frank Sinatra
Damn it Phil. You did what I thought was impossible. You made me like a Leg Up sketch. Phil comes out as Frank Sinatra to promote his new Duets album. This time he’s partnered up with Courtney Love and Snoop Dogg. The girls ask why they weren’t invited and Frank tells them that he already did his duet with them back in 1948. This hit all the same familiar beats but Phil added some much needed class to the proceedings that the likes of Mariel Hemingway and Quentin Tarantino couldn’t.
Acting Workshop
Damn it Phil. You did what I thought was impossible. You made me like a Leg Up sketch. Phil comes out as Frank Sinatra to promote his new Duets album. This time he’s partnered up with Courtney Love and Snoop Dogg. The girls ask why they weren’t invited and Frank tells them that he already did his duet with them back in 1948. This hit all the same familiar beats but Phil added some much needed class to the proceedings that the likes of Mariel Hemingway and Quentin Tarantino couldn’t.
Acting Workshop
Bobby Coultsman teaches an acting class
Instead of busting out one of his old favorites for his return, Hartman gives us something new with Bobby Coultsman. He’s a full of himself acting teacher whose credits include Fiddler On The Roof, The Fantasticks and a Pringles commercial that showed the world his range. He coaches his students through their various scenes, Will sing Aladdin, Kattan watches Sean Penn die in Dead Man Walking and Molly takes a phone call while drinking buttermilk. In between he tells stories about how he talked David Hasselhoff through a scene in Knight Rider and how he doesn’t think women should be in the business. Phil has such a handle on this character that I can only assume this was something he always tried to get on the show.
The Roxbury Guys
Instead of busting out one of his old favorites for his return, Hartman gives us something new with Bobby Coultsman. He’s a full of himself acting teacher whose credits include Fiddler On The Roof, The Fantasticks and a Pringles commercial that showed the world his range. He coaches his students through their various scenes, Will sing Aladdin, Kattan watches Sean Penn die in Dead Man Walking and Molly takes a phone call while drinking buttermilk. In between he tells stories about how he talked David Hasselhoff through a scene in Knight Rider and how he doesn’t think women should be in the business. Phil has such a handle on this character that I can only assume this was something he always tried to get on the show.
The Roxbury Guys
2 Stars
The Roxbury Guys hang on the sidelines and grind on ladies
This is the first time we’ve seen Steve and Doug Butabi, who I don’t think were named until their feature film. This is missing their signature theme song of Haddaway’s ‘What Is Love’. They awkwardly ask girls for dances while they hang back at the bar. Eventually they tag team grind on Cheri Oteri. This was short, simple and kind of weak. Based on this sketch I’m really surprised they became such popular characters resulting in a movie.
This is the first time we’ve seen Steve and Doug Butabi, who I don’t think were named until their feature film. This is missing their signature theme song of Haddaway’s ‘What Is Love’. They awkwardly ask girls for dances while they hang back at the bar. Eventually they tag team grind on Cheri Oteri. This was short, simple and kind of weak. Based on this sketch I’m really surprised they became such popular characters resulting in a movie.
Weekend Update
"...And good lord is he ugly."
The Menendez Brothers were found guilty. So to review California law, killing your wife: legal, killing your parents: illegal.
Michael Jackson met in Paris to launch a line of virtual reality wedding chapels. This marks the most normal thing Michael Jackson has ever done.
Pavarotti likes to run nude on the beach with his new girlfriend. Read all about it in this month's issue of 'Things that make me vomit'.
Producers say that Madonna's Evita will be 100% historically accurate except for the part where Ms. Peron has group sex with the Houston Rockets.
Carnival Airlines is offering anyone named Oscar a free flight to LA in honor of the Academy Awards. They tried the same promotion with the Tony awards but their airplanes were packed with too many greasy Italians.
Frankenstein is here to give a commentary on forest fires. After a long build up from Norm we pan over to Frankenstein who looks at his notes and then says, "Fire. Bad.".
Jesse Jackson is here to talk about the Oscars and how they ignore people of color. So this is a guy in blackface talking about racial sensitivity. I have no idea as to whether or not they understand the irony.
"Why Tommy Lee Jones and not James Earl Jones? Why John Huston and not Whitney Houston? Why Sir John Gielgud and not Sir Mix-A-Lot? Why Liam Neeson and not little boy who play Urkel?"
Gin Blossoms
"Follow You Down"
This is a quintessential mid 90's jam. If you wanted to know what music sounded like in 1995 you should just listen to The Gin Blossoms. For those keeping score, I did own this album which makes the tally 8 musical guests from a possible 16 from season 21 where I owned the album they were promoting.
You're The Man
5 Stars
A cop tries to talk down a gunman
Chris Kattan has a gun drawn at patrons in a diner. Phil Hartman comes in as a cop and assures him that he is the man and the one in charge.
"Now I'm gonna pull out my gun, Johnny. Real easy. Now I'm aiming it at you. You're still the man, you're running the show. I'm slowly cocking my gun and I'm just gonna squeeze the trigger. I missed you Johnny, but you're still very much the man. I'm just gonna reload my gun now, Johnny."
He forgot to bring extra bullets though so he leaves and comes back, he also stopped at the gun range to take some shooting lessons. He didn't have time to grab lunch so he takes a bite of Johnny's burger, all the while assuring him that he is still the man. Johnny's girlfriend comes in and Phil takes her outside, only to return several hours later because they went to the movies and grabbed a cocktail afterwards. They agreed during intermission that Johnny is still the man. This was a perfect Phil Hartman sketch and I loved every second of it. It utilized his old timey voice and had that quaint but absurd humor that Hartman always seemed to revel in.
Spade In America
Chris Kattan has a gun drawn at patrons in a diner. Phil Hartman comes in as a cop and assures him that he is the man and the one in charge.
"Now I'm gonna pull out my gun, Johnny. Real easy. Now I'm aiming it at you. You're still the man, you're running the show. I'm slowly cocking my gun and I'm just gonna squeeze the trigger. I missed you Johnny, but you're still very much the man. I'm just gonna reload my gun now, Johnny."
He forgot to bring extra bullets though so he leaves and comes back, he also stopped at the gun range to take some shooting lessons. He didn't have time to grab lunch so he takes a bite of Johnny's burger, all the while assuring him that he is still the man. Johnny's girlfriend comes in and Phil takes her outside, only to return several hours later because they went to the movies and grabbed a cocktail afterwards. They agreed during intermission that Johnny is still the man. This was a perfect Phil Hartman sketch and I loved every second of it. It utilized his old timey voice and had that quaint but absurd humor that Hartman always seemed to revel in.
Spade In America
3 Stars
Spade does 'The Hollywood Minute'
Oh man, I thought we were done with this. We haven't seen Spade since the Danny Aiello episode and in this case absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. In fact, I hadn't noticed he had been gone until now and it makes me want to go back a couple episodes to see if I liked them better due to his absence. He does a Hollywood Minute and it's cute for what it is. Elisabeth Shue plays a hooker in Leaving Las Vegas and if hookers really looked like this Charlie Sheen would be broke. Greg Kinnear is going to star in Dear God, which is what audiences said when they found out he was getting a movie deal. Woody Allen will not be attending the Oscars as he will be doing what he does every Monday night, having sex with his step daughter. My favorite bit was when he mocked himself and his new goatee by saying, "Somebody thinks he's Ethan Hawke this week".
Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer
Oh man, I thought we were done with this. We haven't seen Spade since the Danny Aiello episode and in this case absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. In fact, I hadn't noticed he had been gone until now and it makes me want to go back a couple episodes to see if I liked them better due to his absence. He does a Hollywood Minute and it's cute for what it is. Elisabeth Shue plays a hooker in Leaving Las Vegas and if hookers really looked like this Charlie Sheen would be broke. Greg Kinnear is going to star in Dear God, which is what audiences said when they found out he was getting a movie deal. Woody Allen will not be attending the Oscars as he will be doing what he does every Monday night, having sex with his step daughter. My favorite bit was when he mocked himself and his new goatee by saying, "Somebody thinks he's Ethan Hawke this week".
Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer
3 Stars
Keyrock gives his final arguments
This week's episode is brought to you by Wilson Ear Drills, "We don't recommend using an ear drill but if you insist, use the best" and Cubic Yard Of Earthworms, "What you do with it is your business". Keyrock, a lawyer who used to be a caveman but was discovered and thawed and went to law school, is giving his closing arguments in a case. He tells the jury that this world scares him and he doesn't understand how things work. The only thing he does know is that his client is innocent. The jury agrees and gives a not guilty verdict. Next week on Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, Keyrock talks his way out of paying for a prostitute. This really seemed like they were just doing this to do it. There wasn't anything new in this dusted off recurring sketch from the early 90s so I'm glad they saved it for later in the show.
Phil Hartman introduces Gin Blossoms still in his Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer makeup. They sing Memphis Time which is more laid back than the first song but still toe-tappingly catchy.
This week's episode is brought to you by Wilson Ear Drills, "We don't recommend using an ear drill but if you insist, use the best" and Cubic Yard Of Earthworms, "What you do with it is your business". Keyrock, a lawyer who used to be a caveman but was discovered and thawed and went to law school, is giving his closing arguments in a case. He tells the jury that this world scares him and he doesn't understand how things work. The only thing he does know is that his client is innocent. The jury agrees and gives a not guilty verdict. Next week on Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, Keyrock talks his way out of paying for a prostitute. This really seemed like they were just doing this to do it. There wasn't anything new in this dusted off recurring sketch from the early 90s so I'm glad they saved it for later in the show.
Phil Hartman introduces Gin Blossoms still in his Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer makeup. They sing Memphis Time which is more laid back than the first song but still toe-tappingly catchy.
Taddli
1 Star
Um...A retard hosts a talk show?
Taddli is played by Mark McKinney and he introduces himself as an orphan whose mother was an orphan whose mother was blind. He has a child like voice and innocence but it is never clear if he's a child or a man-child or just some sort of mental defective. Today's show is about marijuana so he talks to a guy who smoked pot once, a lady who smoked pot 15 times, a guy who used to smoke pot and a guy who smokes pot daily to mellow out. He is shocked by their drug use and also judgmental towards them. The audience seems to love Taddli as Will Ferrell steps up and tells all the guests that if they smoked pot in his house he would throw them out the window. Taddli's final thought is to ask yourself, are you sucking on the pot or is the pot sucking on you? I did not understand this nor did I like it.
Rerun of Fuzzy Memories the one where the kid knocks off the dog's head.
FINAL ANALYSIS
"I'm gonna get a quick latte with Gordon Jump, see you in 10"
Average
3.2 Stars
MVP
Phil Hartman
Nobody else comes close but if I had to pick someone from the cast
Will Ferrell
Monologue, Acting Workshop, The Roxbury Guys, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, Taddli
Nobody else comes close but if I had to pick someone from the cast
Will Ferrell
Monologue, Acting Workshop, The Roxbury Guys, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, Taddli
Best Sketch
You're The Man
Worst Sketch
Taddli
How I Would Have Lorne Michaels-ed It
The show kind of ran out of steam near the end so I would have just put You're The Man before Update and moved The Roxbury Guys to the 10-1 slot. That way the show would be completely loaded in the front and then could just die a peaceful death.
Host Analysis
Host Analysis
Man, you don't know what you got till it's gone. Phil Hartman was one of those guys that was so good you kind of took him for granted. He never failed so when he was great you noticed and when he was just good you forgot about him. That's why he was so great in ensembles. On SNL and later NewsRadio, he could easily blend into the background and take center stage when he needed to. Now that his life was tragically cut short it makes me really recognize his greatness. Phil could have come on once a season and shown the current cast how it's done.
Final Thoughts
Final Thoughts
What a homecoming. You can tell by how everyone wanted to hug Phil at the end of the show that he was beloved by the cast. He was the best and doesn't get enough credit when it comes to the bests of SNL. Whenever someone makes their lists of the greatest, Phil should be at the top. The best thing about him is that he can work well with anyone. I can imagine him in every single cast through SNL's 40 plus seasons. This wasn't a prefect episode but it was damn near close. In fact if you cut out Spade In America and The Roxbury Guys (the two sketches he wasn't in) you get a little closer to perfect.
Up Next
A good rule of SNL thumb, shows hosted by politicians are pretty much always garbage. That's why I'm not holding my breath for Steve Forbes next week.
PEOPLE THIS FLAT TAX SHOULD BECOME LAW
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